Long December --Counting Crows

The Ocean-  Vancouver, Italy, Australia, Mexico 

Happy Birthday Kiya-- Mommy misses you

A long December and there's reason to believe 
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving 
Oh the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons 
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven 
I wish you would 

The smell of hospitals in winter 
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl 

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood 
If you think you might come to California
I think you should 

Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m. 
And talked a little while about the year 
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her 

And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last 
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself 
To hold on to these moments as they pass 

And it's one more day up in the canyon 
And it's one more night in Hollywood 
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean
I guess I should

Arithmetic--Brooke Fraser

"Arithmetic"

Brooke Fraser

 

I've been staring at the sky tonight

Marveling and passing time

Wondering what to do with daylight

Until I can make you mine

You are the one I want, you are the one I want

 

I've been thinking of changing my mind

It never stays the same for long

But of all the things I know for sure

You're the only certain one

You are the one I want, you are the one I want

 

I've been counting up all my wrongs

One sorry for each star

See I'd apologize my way to you 

If the heavens stretched that far

You are the one I want, you are the one I want

 

I won't find what I am looking for

If I only "see" by keeping score

'Cos I know now you are so much more than arithmetic

 

'Cos if I add, if I subtract

If I give it all, try to take some back

I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact

That you are the sum

So you are the one

I want

 

When the years are showing on my face

And my strongest days are gone

When my heart and flesh depart this place

From a life that sung your song

 

You'll still be the one I want 

 

You'll still be the one I want

Pics, Music and Quietness

Just a few of the pics I have taken in Vancouver and some songs Im feelin' right now. The pics of me were taken in Sorrento.

Leona Lewis--Happy

someone once told me

that you have to choose

what you win or lose

you cant have everything

dont you take chances

you might feel the pain

dont you love in vain

cause love wont set you free

i could stand by the side

and watch this life pass me by

so unhappy but safe as could be

so what if it hurts me?

so what if i break down?

so what if this world just throws me off the edge,

my feet run out of ground?

i gotta find my place

i want to hear my sound

dont care about all the pain infront of me

cause im just trying to be happy

just want to be happy

holding on tightly

just cant let it go

just trying to play my role

slowly disappear

well all these days

they feel like there the same

just different faces, different names

get me out of here

well i can stand by the side

and watch this life pass me by

so what if it hurts me?

so what if i break down?

so what if this world just throws me off the edge,

my feet run out of ground?

i gotta find my place

i wanna hear my sound

dont care about all the pain infront of me

cause im just trying to be happy

just want to be happy

Blog Break

Hey All!

 

This year is flying by!  Does anyone else feel the same?  Or maybe it is just because Summer is coming to an end, boo.  I haven’t been blogging a lot about my life recently.  It’s hard to write about your life when you are at home.  When I was away I could internalize every conversation I had or every new experience in a new city or town.  Now most of the interactions with people I have are people who read my blog, and who wants to read about how after we had a conversation I went home and analyzed the crap out of it…creepy.  How many times can I say “I love B.C. it’s so peaceful, wish Kiya were here, having fun wakeboarding.” or “Spent another week at Moose Lake, learnt so much, yadda, yadda.” or “Calgarys meh, what you make it I guess, still unemployed, looking for work and relaxing.”

 

I have to be honest.  I started this blog for accountability.  After losing Kiya I had to find myself again and it was hard to do that when I had spent the last year in a relationship where I was in complete denial.  I withdrew from many of my close friends and family over that time and wasn’t completely honest about what I was really enduring in life for fear they would have dragged me out by my hair, which in hindsight may have been better for me.  But in all seriousness after losing Kiya I knew my life would take one of two paths and mediocre was not an option.   Haha reminds me of a good country song by Tim Mcgraw “Drugs or Jesus”  I was at a fork in the road, I desperately wanted to numb my pain but I also wanted to live a legacy for Kiya.  I am one of the unlucky people who can never do anything “bad” in moderation so I knew when I reached this fork I would either have a dark gloomy self-destructive road ahead or a journey filled with joy and abundant living.  I choose the latter. 

 

When I get married and have more children, I can promise you, I will never say I’m glad things turned out the way they did.  I will always wish Kiya was still alive.  But I can look back now and see the blessings God has poured out on my life in the past eight months.  First and foremost a supportive family who have rescued me time and time again.  Provided me unconditional love and ample support.  My friends who have given me so much spiritual guidance, advice and shoulder to cry on.  But I have to say, and it may sound ridiculous but this blog in some ways has saved me. 

 

When I started it I didn’t really know who would be reading it or why and I have received countless letters and notes of encouragement from people I have known all my life, to acquaintances from elementary school, to strangers I have never met.  Each one of them touched by my travels or struggles with God, but most of them impacted by the life of Kiya.  She is my inspiration.  At times when the road seemed tough and not worth the grueling journey, I would read over these notes of encouragement and remember that God brings good to all things, even death…even life after experiencing death.  I have always written my blog with honesty, no, I haven’t written about every time I failed but I haven’t written about every accomplishment or internalized thought either.  When I started writing, and people started reading a pattern began, I wanted to continue to share.  I have always loved to write and God really opened a door for me to express myself and through it other people for the most part would be influenced in a positive way.  When I realized it was more than just my life, but my life was a living legacy to Kiya I was inspired even more to live abundantly. 

 

It is safe to say, I’m no longer at a place in life where I feel the need to put my self out there for accountability of the masses.  I am doing really well.  I continue to learn new lessons daily through the short life of Kiya and I continue to work on myself, constantly falling short, and consistently trying again.  But I am no longer at a place were I feel the need or desire to use any form of escapism in my mourning process, therefore I don’t really see the need to inform the universe of what’s going on in my life, cause lets face it…its pretty regular now that I’m home.  This blog has been somewhat of training wheels for me in an attempt to get my life back to “normal” and “normal” basically sums up my life these days, and folks that is not a bad thing. 

 

It’s time for the training wheels to come off.  I’m ready to just live my life for a while, believe me I’m not trying to sound all mysterious, there is no big plans, I promise.  Maybe I will quit blogging for a month or two, maybe more, maybe less.  Right now I am focused on writing my first book.  It’s an exciting time-consuming endeavor.  Writing a book is something I have always wanted to do, and through the encouragement of so many people who have read my blog I finally built up enough courage to start writing, so thank you.  Maybe one of the best things I have learnt through my blog, is that it really is okay to fail in life sometimes.  So even if I spend hours writing, editing and shedding tears as I write a book and it’s a complete mess, I still think it’s pretty cool I was brave enough to tell cyber space, I’m going to write it anyways! 

 

God really has given me the opportunity to mourn in the most wonderful ways.  I have be blessed to travel through Mexico, Italy and Australia and spend time In New York, Arizona, B.C.  I am so grateful I had saved enough money to relax and take time off work for the summer to have much needed down-time in Calgary.  As I said before I have had tremendous support through family and friends.  Through my blog, and as I begin my book, I am already experiencing so much healing.  Thank you for reading about my life since Kiya.  It didn’t only mean the world but it changed my world.  I hope for each and every one of you many blessings and joy. 

 

Until we write again,

Love Much and Much Love,

Tiffany Jade

Dream Big for Big Tings'

Its one of those night were I cant sleep yet I am dreading writing this blog.  First of all I haven’t written about MY LIFE in forever and I’m wondering about where to start.  Tonight I wont get too deep. 

 

This economy is killing me, okay truth be told I have only applied for a few jobs.  When I was studying Human Resources in school it was career choice security.  Now, why do you need HR when there is no hiring to be done, no hiring means no training, no training means not much career advancement…yadda yadda.  So Im stuck with a diploma which isn’t coming in handy at the moment and to top it all off my particular area of interest was international recruitment, God is definitely teaching me patience, it will be a while before that picks up in Alberta. 

Enough business jargon.  I am starting to feel more settled and have decided to take things easy for a bit.  I would love to move to Vancouver one day, see more of the world eventually but for now I’m staying put in Calgary. 

Over the last week I have been so encouraged I really have a new attitude towards people in general.  I have been having one of those weeks were people just seem extra kind, it’s awesome!  I went to Airdrie for a fundraiser for Mark (raised $5000 by the way…go A-town!) and it was so awesome to see old friends.  Sometimes it’s the people you went to school with or even partied with from back in the day that seem like the easiest people to talk to.  It’s almost as if you just pick up where you left off.  I’m not even going to front, It was a little embarrassing yet extremely flattering hearing how many people came up to me saying “I love your blog, I read it all the time!”  People asking me to write a book.  Since then it just hasn’t stopped, so many people have been sending me messages encouraging me to write a book out of nowhere…well I guess this blog.  But it has really just been overwhelming lately but encouraging enough that a few days ago I picked up my computer and have not stopped typing.  I am so excited to put my “real” story on paper and possibly, depending on what I choose to do with it and how satisfied I am with the final outcome, share it with you guys! I know my writing has been getting sloppy lately but I promise if I write a book Ill make it sound real profesh, nawhatamean?

And its also making me rethink a potential career change for me, until my book is done anyways.  I was thinking maybe I should just do night auditing at a hotel so I could have the time to write and make money doing it.  God is being so good to me right now and allowing me to dream big (haha just re-read this paragraph makes it look like Im saying dream big as in being a night auditor.  No offense to Night auditors, do your thang).  I really want to work on potential charity ideas—that’s a long -term goal, but why not start now while the vision is fresh in my head?  I want to help, I want to serve, well see what happens. 

If you see me at the Hilton ….HOLLA!

P.S this wittle horsey was only one day old, I think they named her moose but I named her Kiya….soooo cute!!

And her are some other pics just for fun, the shortest poem I have ever written and a pic I did with the lyrics to Pretty Wings by Maxwell!

Big Favor

Hey All,

Usually on my blog when I talk about God, I try to make it as non-confrontational as possible.  I put out my thoughts, not asking for the readers.  I try not to be preachy, because this is about MY LIFE, MY PATH and the choices I MAKE.  But today I HAVE to switch it up a bit.  

I don't want to give out too many details out of respect.  I went to visit Marks mom today.  Mark is not doing well, still in the hospital and still unresponsive.  Nothing positive to relay.  In fact, more bad news, days after Mark went into the hospital so did her husband, he is battling cancer.  Today her husband underwent surgery.  I asked if there was anything I could do and the only thing she asked me to do was pray.  She also asked if I knew any prayer groups or prayers chains to please tell them to put her husband (also named Mark) and her son Mark on the list.  

At the moment I am not actively involved in any church in Calgary, times like these I really wish I was.  But in all honesty I have a lot of great family and friends who check this blog regularly who are involved in prayer chains and groups and I ask that you please involve this family in your prayers: Mark, mark and Sharlene.  I know there is people in Eston reading this and ANYBODY can get on that prayer request list, I have been in that service...PLEASE somebody put this family on the list.  Small groups, bible study (man -I- need to get involved) please just involve this family in a dinner time prayer.  My heart is with Sharlene completely, I can not fathom what it must be like having both her husband and son in the hospital especially considering little Mark is not doing well and her husband just had surgery.  This family needs prayer.  

This family needs positive vibes and healing thoughts and all that jazz, but more importantly this family needs divine intervention from God right now, pray to Him.  She asked me to ask my family and friends and so I will, if I stepped on any toes I am not sorry.  

Please pray.   

Blessed by a Stranger

Have you ever had something happen which made your day or week?  Maybe some of us lucky ones had something happen to us to make our month or possibly our year.  Today somebody made my world.  A stranger.

 

A God moment, a moment in which I realized the true nature of humanity is compassion.  The beautiful core of every human being is love and kindness.  As I held a little black box sent from a person I had never met, a person whom I have never spoken to.  A person who didn’t know my strengths or the many tears I have cried, nor my annoying antics, or lovable characteristics.  Possibly this was a person who could relate, but most likely not, how would I know?  After all, it was a stranger.  

This box traveled thousands of miles over seas- on airplanes, maybe in trains, or cars.  Sent with a mission, a destiny to arrive safely in my hands, and here it was.  I had no idea a little black box was going to arrive, it was unexpected, maybe that is why I wept.  I don’t know what emotion compelled me to cry, because I cried before I even opened the little black box.  It’s complex.  But embarrassing as this is to admit, I think I cried because somebody thought of me and regarded me, without even knowing me.  The knowledge that a stranger sent this box with me in mind, no matter what it contained, was enough to bring me to tears.

 

Tonight my sister and I decided to head down town to run errands and have coffee.  Our first stop was the post office.  My sister Jenelle just got home from traveling around India, Ireland, France, Germany and Spain.  The package sent was for Jenelle, all the way from Ireland.  Inside containing various goodies and memories from her travel friend and fellow couch surfer.  Amongst the many thoughtful gifts was a card, always polite (whether your watching or not) Jenelle read the card first.  At the bottom a small note read “The box is for your sister Tiffany, the bracelet spells Kiya in Celtic.”  The weeping began. 

 

Thank you for the braclet.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  I love my bracelet and will wear it always.  It will serve not only as a great reminder of my beautiful Kiya, but also as a great reminder of the beauty, love and compassion instilled in the core of humanity all around the world. 

 

Be Blessed.  I will pay-it-forward.

Praying for you Mark!

Reading Genesis makes my Theology a Mess

The truth is I don’t know what I think about Genesis, or morphogenesis.

I’m not saying its evolution, but I’m reading about a serpent creating delusion.

Thinking I’m having a hard time building my own conclusion.

A few hundred years ago they believed a net held up the ocean,

yes, they believed in an expanse in the sky,

Which kept the stars from falling and the earth dry.

I’m not saying, I’m just saying, why do we have this ridiculous alliance?

Which says “disregard the proof, because WE don’t believe in Science!”

Talking snakes, and coming from monkeys both sound absurd.

But what I do know is I fully believe every verse of the Word.

 

I’m reading Genesis in depth and I can’t help but see.

This sounds like very beautiful, well written poetry.

I’m not questioning the word or saying it’s a fib.

But I’m starting to wonder if I was literally made from Adams rib.

Calm down, I’m just unsure if we have missed the mark.

There’s got to be a metaphor to align with Noah’s Ark.

I’m not saying I don’t believe in God, or the Bible is a fable.

But I think there is deeper meaning behind the story of Cain and Abel.

 

I do not believe that Genesis is misleading or incorrect

In fact, I think it was written with the upmost intellect

Considering the historical and cultural context the authors came from

They had to write in a way we could understand for generations to come

The literature in which they choose to inscribe is ageless and divine

So we could identify with the message through the passing time.

Disclaimer: I am not claiming my theology is fact

Nor do I have the knowledge to have my theory backed

But story after story I see the metaphor

And the poetry in which it is written makes it hard to ignore

Genesis is written much different than Matthew, Mark, Luke or John

It seems more figurative than the reiterated Gospels accounting the events which went on.

So yes I still believe in miracles, I believe Jesus walked on water.

I believe Jesus can heal, as he did Jairus’s daughter.

I still believe he feed five thousand people with two fish and 5 loaves of bread

I still believe he died on the cross and rose from the dead.

 

You would think the more you research the more you know

Oh contra, the more preconceived ideals I’m trying to outgrow

I’m seeking out these answers as I step out of my youth

I’m not looking to devise, simply searching for the truth.

I have a feeling this wont sit well with some family or friends

But I wont be a Christian who just accepts and pretends;

not all answers are as easy as Sunday School

And honestly reading Genesis made me feel like a fool

Not because I think it is a fallacy or fake

but because I think misinterpreting the bible is OUR biggest mistake

The Bible says we will do it 2nd Timothy 4: 3 to 4

Is this an itching ear, or is this me really seeking more?

Maybe my mind will change again so take this poem with a grain of salt.

For now, Ill leave it with Genesis is confusing, Oh AND it’s not my fault.

Cause as I was contemplating how literally to take Genesis in Chapel,

I realized I could blame Eve for first eating the apple! :P

 

--Tiffany Matson

My Sisters Keeper

I would love to elaborate on how much I loved this movie and how moved I was but I am exhausted by all the tears I cried.  AND In all honesty I'm heading out of town early tomorrow morning, it's 2am and I haven't even started packing.  In fact, I'm just blogging to procrastinate.   So here is the trailer for the movie and rent it!  

Also, I added this other video cause I saw it and laughed so hard!  Unless you are an avid music video watcher you may not understand the irony but for those of you out there, have a good laugh!





LOL's

Dr. Suess for Adults. Gotta love it!

Ugh, it's late out at the cabin.  Ya know the best thing about writing poetry is? Finding it later.  Literally the day I ended my last relationship I started writing again and haven't stopped since.  I don't think I am particularly good, but sometimes it's pretty comical, whether intentional or non-intentional.  I have conflicted emotions about poetry in general and what it means in my life.  Sometimes I write the strangest things, dark, deep painful things and when I'm finished I read over it thinking "Is this really how I feel?"  It doesn't seem to align with who I am.  On the day-to-day I am happy, positive, outgoing, cheerful, loving, giggly.  But I read over some of this poetry and think, hand me the eyeliner, hair dye and butter knife.  Jokes.  My emotions are so conflicting but as I write they sort themselves out.  I'm in tune with myself these days.  

Yeah know, I really don't talk much about my break up on my blog out of respect for somebody who had no respect for me (that will be my one and only dig for now).  But in all honesty it was a blessing.  I will take 100% blame for my insecurities in the relationship, because 100% of my insecurities were about me.  I felt like he was a huge creative force and I had no real depth.  If you would have asked me to list 1o interests or talents I had while I was in that relationship I probably couldn't tell you.  That was my fault.  I am the type of person who sings in the shower and dances naked in mirror and I lost that part of me while I was in the relationship.  I missed that part of me and was saddened that I had created my own lie, in a sense, of who I am to my partner.  Even if he wasnt around I couldn't do it.  I couldn't be myself, in that sense, my lungs seemed sewn shut and my feet awkwardly glued to the floor, without fail.  I craved being the outgoing, dorky me.  You can only blame other people for so long about feelings of inadequacy.  He was a dancer and it made it hard for me, I was very supportive of his dreams and ambitions as I would have been had he been a carpenter, salesman or business executive.  But lets be honest, try being 6 months pregnant and the only people your man knows are ridiculously fit.  Above and beyond that, on the surface, that life style is so enticing, girls who are passionate and following their dreams.  It's not about being a dancer, or who he associates with, its about being yourself where you realize "I want to be myself."  I want to write again, I want to learn the guitar, I want to not be afraid to fail, I want to be encouraged, I want to flourish.  Thus feelings of inadequacy because I knew in that relationship I couldn't be myself.  It becomes this vicious cycle of over compensating with support for his dreams and his hopes.  I know a lot of women can relate to that.  

Anyone who says "Well, maybe God did this because He knew Kiya's life would have been..." Honestly, save it, we would have made it work and Kiya would have been very loved and very well taken care of.  But in regards to my relationship I do feel blessed, I dodged a broken home big time, whether we stayed together or separated eventually, because I was broken we would have been broken.  Mommies, you do so much for your family.  You are the glue, the rock, sometimes the protector, the spiritual leader, the bread winner, the lover.  You deserve props and a pedi!  Know yourself!  

My first boyfriend taught me so much, we had so much fun shooting guns, going horseback riding, stuff that I didn't do before I met him.  That is the best way to have a relationship because when all is said and done you can actually take something away from it worth value.  All these lessons and finding myself, not to toot my own horn but its been on my own.  We never shared talents or passions or desires with each other.  Kiya is the reason, my light, my heart, my love forever and I will forever be grateful for the red flags I dodged, the "mistakes" that I have made, and forever grateful to the person who gave me her. 

Anyways, enough with the rant.  All that to say this;  I wrote this silly poem the day we broke up, the day I moved out, the day before I took off to Italy and he left for London.  I find this poem hilarious on so many levels.  First of all, all I had read for two months was Dr. Suess and It is so a Dr. Suess type of poem.  Secondly, THIS IS THE DAY MY BOYFRIEND LEAVES I MOVE OUT MY HOUSE, I BREAK UP WITH THE FATHER OF MY CHILD WHO DIED...why was I writing poetry like this..lol?  A) you would think it would be deeper B) when did I have the time? and C) I remember laughing so hard!  I think I was just mentally and physically exhausted, ya know when your just done?  Like D-O-N-E?  Rereading this gave me a good laugh and reassurance, even on that day I was so crazy positive, I was sitting in an empty house, missing Kiya desperately, but even then finding enough humor in life to laugh.  

So many of the things I wrote are silly spins to problems in our relationship that nobody will get but its also a lot of what I wanted to be and who I was, so although its a silly poem it's meaningful to me.  Im not claiming this is a good poem by any means.  But its worth it to share.  Im happy to say I have found the fish in me I want to be.  I hope you imagine me laughing hysterically at myself while you read this, because thats who I am.  Enjoy.

Doc Suess For adults
 
Some fish are big
Some fish are small
Some fish swim around
Doing nothing at all
 
Some fish are boring
Some fish are fun
Some fish love the shade
while others bask in the sun
 
Some fish are free spirits
Some fish are risk takers
Some fish are committed
Some fish are heart breakers
 
Some fish have fashion
Some fish fashion is wack
Fish can be yellow, purple
Red, white or black
 
Some fish travel
Some fish stand still
Some fish are life-savers
While other fish kill
 
Some fish have talent
Some fish are funky
Some fish are skinny
While others are chunky
 
Some fish do construction
Some write, sing and dance
Some sit on the computer
with their fins down their pants *insert me hysterically laughing at myself here*
 
Some fish are straight edge
Some fish are jocks
Some fish are stoners
Who like to hot box
 
Some fish are mental
Some fish are sane
Some fish only have air
where there’s supposed to be brain

Some fish are Christian,
buddist, Muslim or Jewish
Some pray before bed
Some pray around twoish
 
Some fish are strong
Some fish are weak
Some fish are brazen
While others are meek
 
Some fish are shy
While others have pizzazz
Some like Country
Rock, Hip-hop or Jazz.
 
Some early risers
Some pull all nighters
Some fish that read
Some fish take the lead
 
Some fish follow
Some fish even swallow*
Some are full of Grace
While others are Hollow
 
Some fish say hello,
While others say good-bye
Some old fishes live
Some baby fishes die
 
Some fish talk so much
that their breath starts to stink*so true
some fish are so wired
they cant even think*yup, you
 
There is fish that wont move,
No they don’t flippen’ budge
and you’ll wonder if they ever
really did give a fudge
 
Then theres fish you can boss
you can tell them want to do
you push and you push
and they still stick with you
 
theres fish that you hate
fish you can’t date
fish that are fishy
that belong on your plate
 
But there is fish in the water
honest and true
Fish out there fishin’
fishin’ for you!
 
So if you’re a fish
and your swimming alone
Keep swimming and swimming
till’ you find a fish home
Quit blowing bubbles
Leap over the puddles
One day you’ll get there on your own!
 
And so the Ocean said to me…
…there is always more fish in the sea!

--Tiffany Matson

Wake boarding Pictures

B.C. Bound, Family, Love and all that good Summer-y Stuff!

I am officially in Summer mode.  I have been in B.C for almost a week and it has been amazing so far.  Christa and John came down from Arizona bringing my beautiful nephew Mav and niece Tula along.  They think their Auntie Tiff is pretty spectacular, I love it, I love them.  I have missed Christa for far too long and have been anxiously waiting to see her again so it has been awesome reuniting with her and goofing around as always.  My Uncle Jamie and Uncle Larry and Aunt Ange came to visit too, along with my cousins, their significant others and Olivia, Candice and Cam’s daughter, who is around the same age as Tula, so it was fun watching them interact. 

 

A week goes by and there is so much to write about, I truly don’t know where to start.  We have had such an amazing time out on the boat, wakeboarding, surfing, tubing, tanning. spending quality family time together, the last week has really been a blessing.  The other day John Christa and I took the kids to the Zoo, it was so much fun.  I have even done my first ever cliffs dives off Copper Island.  My mom has been cooking up a storm every night and I have enjoyed every bite.  My parents have revamped the whole house in B.C and it looks marvelous.  I am basking in this summer, I never want it to end! 

 

Then last night after a long couple of months Jenelle finally arrives safely at home!  Seeing all her pictures makes me miss traveling immensely.  Tonight we went out for dinner with my Grandpa, my uncle and my entire family.  Having the five of us in the same room is a rarity these days considering we have been traveling so much and Christa and John live in the states.  I am so excited to be here at the lake with all of my family.  I am so blessed. 

 

I can’t pretend I haven’t thought tons about Kiya this week.  From the moment I became pregnant I was looking forward to this, to having Kiya here in B.C.  It really is tragic.  On so many levels my emotions are clustered and impossible to articulate.  As much as I want to be a mother to Kiya, I forget what ‘being a mother’ feels like.  I forget those sleepless nights, how my priority list changed, the concern, its back to the old me, carelessly leaping onto the boat and crashing off the wakeboard trying new tricks, sleeping in while little footsteps stomp below, the cries I sleep through in the morning, crossing the boundaries on the seadoo.  It’s weird.  As much fun as it has been, I would rather have bags under my eyes with Kiya in the baby pool while all the others take off for the day.  I would rather be thinking “Damn, I wish I was wakeboarding” than thinking “Damn, I wish my child was alive”  But this is life now, and although I wish I could change it, its perfect the way it is.  I know that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but I am living the life this Summer, surrounded by the most amazing friends and family, doing what I love to do.  What more could I ask for…well…except.  Ugh, endless cycle!  Considering my circumstances, I couldn’t ask for more. 

Laura Lie and Coy's Wedding!

Before Moose Lake I headed to Beechy Saskatchewan for Laura-Lie and Coy’s wedding.  I have known Laura-Lie for years, we went to the same church as kids and were both Moose Lakers growing up.  We built a deeper friendship when I was in Bible School and shared many laughs and late nights together.  One of the qualities I always appreciated about LL was her confidence in being single, definitely something I’m trying to attain, she was sure of what she wanted, and one thing all her friends knew for sure is she would never settle.  Laura Lie was the ultimate city girl so it took me by surprise when she fell in love with a rancher from Beechy, but from all those late nights talking about men over multigrain bars, when I heard the news I knew he encompassed the qualities she desired and more importantly, shared the same moral values.   

 

I enjoyed having the opportunity to spend a few days on the ranch before the wedding.  One of my favorite parts of the wedding was watching the two families interact and unify.  It’s beautiful to watch two different worlds collide.  The ceremony was at the ranch complete with hay bails as seats, very unique and looked awesome too!  Then it was off to the reception in swift and an opportunity for me to mingle with friends, I even randomly ran into Craig from Italy, remember him?  I went outside and he was leaving the gym, so funny, so random.  It was a beautiful wedding and I am so glad I had the opportunity to take part in the celebration with you, Congrats!

This is Why I Dont Trust Men

How can it be?  One day he is married ten years (granted she wasn't always very nice) with 8 kids!  Christian man.  Family values.  The usual struggles.  Then you turn into this...wearing Ed Hardy, cheating on your wife, taking trips to france with your 22 year old girlfriend, all the sudden hes a smoker, party boy, buying bachelor pads in NYC!  WTF is wrong with men?  

Jon Gosslin, you are a loser, scum of society, POS.  Who do you think you are running around embarrassing loved ones, acting a fool, shame, shame, SHAME!  

Do all men wear facades?  Then just randomly rip them off and proclaim "Hey, I'm an idiot too!"

My wall is up, its brick.  Trust can't even be earned, only momentarily deserved.  So cheers Jon, you may be going bald but you just proved to the world that you've still got it!  I hope your ego is filled and your heart is content.  

Ah Tiffany, don't get bitter, get better.  

Moose Lake Senior Teen 2009!!!

The Whole Group

Awards

Introducing Lakeside Chapel 

How did I manage to be the punching bag in the relay race?

Nothing is Coincidence 

Maybe this will stop them from pulling pranks...maybe not?

The New Addition 

AH...KELLY CLARKSON!

First Wakeboard of the Summer!

You don't want to know

Again volunteering for the Kids and look what happens to me!

The Murderer, Mrs. Peachy

Dreams, Goals, Hopes

YUCK...Giant Gum ball

Doing my part for the Girls Team

PRIME PICTURE!  Taking one for the team, thanks girl!

It has been years since I ventured out to Moose Lake. I just got back yesterday from an action packed week with friends. Moose Lake is where I became a Christian and it is so renewing to go back and reminisce on all the experiences I have had there. It was my first time attending Moose being in a leadership position and it was so much fun but more importantly rewarding. I had the pleasure of ministering to young girls and as always I ended up learning so much from them.

The girl I made such a huge bond with struggles with so many of the problems I walked away from. Issues I carried bitterness, anger, yadda yadda, so I don’t believe it was coincidence she was in my life. God offered me so much emotional healing through her story and forgiveness for others because I was able to see underneath the surface of her problems to the deep hurts and insecurities which lead to her struggle. As she told me her story I took a deep breath afraid of what my next emotion would be or what kind of pre conceived advise I would give her but all I could feel was God’s love for her surpassing any poor choice or mistake she may have made or may continue to make. Thus reminding me; should I choose to hold onto any negative emotion brought on by the poor choices of others, God is already over it and loving us both equally through our pain regardless of how we cope.

What I am loving about God right now, and to be honest also a little frustrated at times is how He is teaching me about a stable relationship with Him. Camp this year for me was not an emotional high yet so much growing happened. Its these small steps of spiritual growth which will have longevity in my life and so I appreciate it. The spiritual high to me has become somewhat of a crash diet, you loose weight, look better, quit and get fat again or in other terms go to camp, get warm fuzzy’s, feel better, go home, quit and back at square one. My slow spiritual grow is like a lifestyle change, continuously working toward a greater knowledge and deeper relationship with Christ.

I have been feeling directionless but after camp I feel so good about feeling directionless. I have no job, no rent, no baby, no relationship, I have nothing. But God’s word says he can make good from any situation and he is doing just that. I am open to whatever God should decide to do in my life. Whatever door opens I want to take it. I’m free to do His will and really don’t have anything to sacrifice since He has already taken it all away (jokes) Naw but really… it’s hard to live for God when it means giving up friends that you love but are no good for you, or quitting a dream job, or needing to pay the bills, but I have good friends and no other responsibilities. I believe God is going to open doors for me on what He wants me to do next to serve Him and time and time again this week I received confirmation that it will be in big ways.

Camp is always so much fun. People think camp is lame but spending a week with creative, uplifting people shooting flaming arrows into the sky, punishing kids for sneaking out, pranks, hot chocolate, wakeboarding, community, and of course waxing Nathan’s chest hair, it is all so much fun. We played a giant game of clue this year and I ended up being the murderer without any knowledge it was me so of course the kids all chanted “Throw her in the lake” and I knew there was no escaping. However, if your planning on heading to Moose this summer, know the ducks are in full effect and both my legs are covered in the itch, yuck.

I lived the past week of my life fully and abundantly, its everything I want for the rest of my life is to feel this fulfilled and happy.

Six Months Since Kiya Became an Angel

It is hard to believe it has been 6 months on June 30^th since my Kiya Jade went up to Heaven.  A couple weeks ago she finally got her gravestone and it is beautiful.  My prayers have been answered and I am finding her gravesite to be much more peaceful than before.  I even went to town today bought a slurpee, went to Kiya’s grave, rolled up my pant legs, took off my sweater and just had a little tan/cry with my Sneetch.  Damn, I wish she was still here.  To be honest, some of my thoughts today are too inappropriate to write for the world to see.  I am doing okay though, missing my girl and just wondering what she is up to.  God is doing great things in my life and teaching me so much.  He has blessed me with amazing friends, family and spiritual leaders, a beautiful daughter and most importantly salvation.  By the time this gets posted it will be Canada Day, I have been to many beautiful countries in the world, but I am so blessed to return to Canada and call it home.  For whatever reason God, you picked me to be one of the lucky ones, I pray I can reach out others to show my gratitude.  If you send me- I will go.  

"The Sneetches got really quite smart on that day... 

That day they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches

And no kind of Sneetch is the best on the beaches. 

That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars

And whether they had one, or not, upon thars."

-- Dr. Seuss

Supernova

MR HUDSON [FEAT KANYE WEST] - SUPERNOVA from MrHudson on Vimeo.

R.I.P Michael Jackson

            I found this website that allows you to upload your blog and make it into a book, so I have been working on that the past couple days, since I haven’t been feeling so great.  Its been an exciting process because I as I create it I envision my children reading the book one day, maybe my grandchildren, or great- grandchildren.  Although Michael Jackson was not my idol, that vision inspired me to write in dedication to him.  His talent was undeniable, in my opinion his morals were questionable, regardless His death is a tragic loss to the entertainment industry and his legacy and music will live on for many generations to come.  

 

I found out almost immediately of Michael Jackson’s death and to be honest the first thing I thought about was a video I had seen a few weeks before.  The video was about the audition for back up dancers who were competing to take the stage with Michael in his come-back.  The first time I watched it I actually cried, tears of joy, it must have been an emotional day.  But the chosen dancers were so elated.  For any dancer that would be a dream come true.  It was so inspiring to see their hard work come to flourish…almost. 

 

Rumors spread among the internet of Michaels health, and me being the creeper I am watched paparazzi videos of the King of Pop.  I too wondered if he was in a physical position to perform at the 50 sold out shows.  Not that I spent too much time thinking about this, but I had faith for the dancers sake that their dreams would come true and Michael would somehow manage to pull it off. 

 

When Michaels passing was confirmed my heart went out to the many people who showed up for this audition and especially the chosen dancers.  In some ways I think I can relate, obviously on a different scale.  But I have seen all my dreams come true and in a matter of moments, they were all swept away.  Death has that effect I guess.  But as I have learnt through my loss, we will redirect those dreams, some in a positive way and others in a negative way.  Or like me, try to be positive but spontaneously fall, only to get back up and try again.  There will never be another Kiya, nothing will compare, even when I go on to have other children she will always own a special place on and in my heart.  Unfortunately for the chosen dancers, there will never be another Michael Jackson, I have a hard time believing anything will top him in his genre, ever.  My condolences and prayers go out to the Jackson family and his three children, but definitely to the dancers who almost took the stage with the King of Pop.  It’s a sad reminder that sometimes dreams only ALMOST come true.   Almost guys, almost. 

 

“Dont tell me you agree with me,

When I saw you kicking dirt in my eye.

But, if you’re thinkin’ about my baby

It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”

--Michael Jackson

Tattoo Cause Mommy Loves You!

Kiya, cyberspace, family, friends,

 

I have written this blog entry over and over.  I have written poetry about it.  Deep long letters to Kiya.  But yet again I think until I muster a little more courage to be more open about my process in this mourning stage I am going to stick with a little story.

 

Kiya would have turned 6 months old on June 6^th.  I know this is a HUGE milestone for any mother.  I had been contemplating getting a tattoo for Kiya since she passed but I never made the appointment.  I was going to get it done in Banff when I went for Jessica’s Bachelorette Party but I didn’t want to get it done with friends.  When they got theirs done that day they told me the artist expressed to them how sometimes it doesn’t matter what you get tattooed on you, its more of the time you get the tattoo and what that time in you life represents to you.  It struck a cord with me, that’s why I wanted one.  I will remember Kiya always, regardless if I have a tattoo with her name or not.  I want to remember this time in my life, this stage of mourning, learning how to balance life again.  It has been a dark time in my life and yet brought me so much light.  We only hurt as deeply as we love.  My pain has brought me so much pleasure and vice-versa. 

 

I guess I always had a fear I was going to regret it, or tattoos were wrong.  But on June 6^th I woke up and decided I was getting it done.  I called all the trendy places to get a tattoo and when nothing seemed to work out I got in my car and headed for the city.  I drove to so many places on 17^th avenue and in Kensington begging for somebody to squeeze me in but to no avail.  Finally I remembered driving down 16^th avenue and seeing this dingy place like in the movies with the flashing sign “Tattoo” When I entered the building it reeked like weed and the man that greeted me was missing a few teeth.  Low and behold they could squeeze me in, figures. 

 

I wasn’t sure at this point if I was doing the right thing or not.  But I thought it was quite an experience and decided to go with the flow.  My tattoo artist name was “Moose” and as expected he was huge.  The whole process went really quickly they slapped on the stencil, I approved it, he told me to breathe in and he started to ink me up.  I was so full of adrenaline I forgot to be scared about the physical pain, it was all happening so fast but once the needle touched down, IT HURT!

 

Moose was a genuine character and somebody I will always remember.  As he asked what my tattoo represents I told him about Kiya and the story of my life.  “Dude! That’s harsh! That sucks!”  That’s really all he said, and it felt good.  No pretty words or beautiful lies, just the truth and I appreciated it.  At the same time I cried maybe a wee bit at the physical pain but at the emotional hurt.

 

The tattoo spells Kiya Jade in Tigrinyan.  Kiya was half Eritrean and would have been brought up with many different customs, which I consider a blessing.  I also love the writing, I think it is much more symbolic to me than English, looks prettier and allows me to decide what I want it to say.  If I don’t feel like telling the story I could say it means “jovial one” which is what Kiya’s name meant.

 

There is so much significance in my tattoo.  Even in the fact it was so physically painful but something so beautiful came from it.  I cant lie anymore, I am hurting but this tattoo is a reminder I am going to be okay and this whole experience is making me a much more beautiful person.   I went alone- I’ve mourned alone.  I got it as close to my heart as I could, because Kiya is permanently there.  And for the record, I don’t think tattoos are wrong, I don’t think God looks down on me with an ounce of disappointment, in fact I think he’s proud of me and loves me just the way I am.

 

It is all for you baby girl, forever in and on my heart.

xoxo—Love Mommy

HOPE

Before I went to Australia my friend Adam showed me these T-shirts he was designing and I went ballistic for them, love at first sight.  He lives in Australia so I figured I would grab it from him while I was down under but we both forgot.  Finally my package arrived this week with my new T-shirt and I was so elated.  I love the shirt but most of all I love what it stands for.  All proceeds from the T-shirts go to help build homes for orphans and widows in Rwanda.   I wore this shirt out tonight and already so many people complimented and asked what it was all about.    Since the time I have started my blog which was only about 4 months ago I have had over 7000 page views and on average more than 30 different visitors daily.  I thought writing on my blog would be a perfect way to encourage others to buy the shirt and thank Adam for sending one my way.  

 

HOPE is a faith based, non-profit organization which helps developing nations reduce poverty, achieve sustainable development and bring spiritual strength and social justice to every segment of society.  (www.hoperwanda.org)

 

I found the T-shirts a little hard to find so I will attach the link which should lead you right there.  If you happen to get lost in cyber space click on the DONATE NOW button and then towards the left is a WEAR A HOPE T. http://www.hoperwanda.org/hope/pages/default.asp?pid=57

 

I rock this shirt well, don’t I? AND guess what…SO CAN YOU!  I am personally loving the T-shirt of Africa with HOPE written in the middle. There is a few different styles on the website so take a look, and there is even kids styles so Tula and Mav you know auntie Tiff Jade has you covered. I think as a young and what we consider “broke” generation this is a perfect way to help others and increase your wardrobe at the same time.

 

The media these days is so consumed convincing us we are in a deep economic crisis, which in some regards we are.  However we must daily count our blessing; most of us reading this blog live in a free country were housing and food are taken for granted.  My generation has the opportunity to change the world, maybe one T-shirt at a time.

 

You can learn more about HOPE at www.hoperwanda.org

 

Many Blessings to you all.

The Bridge...2009 Wedding Exclusive!

I just got back last night from an amazing weekend in Lethbridge.  It’s difficult to sum up the past few days in one small blog, but I’ll attempt.   First and foremost, the reason I was in Lethbridge was to celebrate and take part in a marriage between two wonderful people.  Being around my friends is so uplifting to me.  I miss that community so much while I am in Calgary and I feel so grateful when I get to spend time with my friends.  When I am around them I actually find hope in humanity and faith in my generation again.  I get so tired of watching people my age try to transition into adult hood disgracefully, including myself at times but some of my friends are so inspirational, proving that what society portrays as a “good time” is false and that you can have an amazing weekend full of precious memories... that you can actually remember. 

 

It started with Friday night, we went and played basketball and kick ball and then went to DQ for ice cream.  We headed back early to get some good rest before the big day.  We woke up Saturday morning and some of us headed to the mall to get some last minute shopping done then headed back to Jessica and Simon’s (bride and groom) new place to get ready.  Finally we headed to the church to witness the beautiful union of Mr and Mrs Golom.  Congrats friends.  My entire perception of marriage changed when I listened to them exchanging vows.  For whatever reason I never really understood how people could cry at a wedding, until I listened to what the words really were.  I guess I never took marriage seriously.  But when you are standing at the alter, or on the beach..lol…whatever you prefer and the words “till death so us part” come out of my mouth, I better mean it AND I sure as hell better trust my husband-to-be when he says those words to me.  Needless to say, my eyes were welling up with tears.  It was a beautiful ceremony Mr and Mrs Golom. 

 

Later that night we came back for the dance and reception and then headed to a friends house without the Bride or Groom to continue to party till wee hours of the morning.  We woke up Sunday and headed back to the church for the Eritrean portion of the wedding, which was so much fun. I hadn’t ate injera since I was pregnant so I was excited for the traditional food and atmosphere.  I also had the opportunity to visit with some of Kiya’s relatives that I hadn’t seen for a long time, I had no idea they would be there so it was a pleasant surprise, I guess the Eritrean community is a small world…mental note.  I couldn’t help but see the face of Kiya in so many of the kids who were there, especially the half Habisha- half Caucasian kids.  Believe me they are adorable.  Oh Kiya, everyday I miss you, even on the good ones. 

 

After the reception a bunch of us got together at the newly weds home to wind down and hang out.  We ended the night with a trip to Sammy’s recording studio and goofed around.  I had never done anything like it; we had so many laughs and good times singing our hearts out.  Sammy is super talented…well put it this way…if he can make me sound good haha, then he’s talented. 

 

Monday morning we woke up and headed to Waterton.  It was so much fun, one of my favorite parts about the weekend.  First of all my friends and I just have so much fun doing the smallest things together.  For the first time in a long time as we were driving there, the windows rolled down, the music blaring and we are all so comfortable singing and dancing and joking around, I thought to myself “I love my life” and I haven’t thought that since Kiya passed.  And even though there will still be moments where I say “woe is me” it is refreshing to know I somewhere sometimes I do love my life and I am blessed, blessed, blessed even in the midst of my circumstance’s.  Secondly Waterton is beautiful and I am becoming more and more appreciative for my beautiful country the more I travel.  We rented these three passenger bike contraptions and scoped out the waterfalls and lakes, we had so much fun racing and causing chaos. 

 

It was an all around fantastic weekend although I’m too old, yes at 23, to live off such a lack of sleep.  The summer is here, despite the fact it snowed a little last week in Calgary.  I’m looking forward to more weekend escapes and enjoying my friends and family, I am going to eat this summer up because come September I need to get back to work.  

Women of Faith

Over the course of a few months my Grandma Matson continuously asked me to come with her to a Women of Faith conference in Spokane.  I was apprehensive about going because I didn’t know where I would be both in the location sense and mental sense.  But two days before the bus was leaving I called my Grandma and she extended the offer to me once again and I agreed to go.  To be honest I wasn’t totally excited for the trip, a lot has been going on in my personal life and I really didn’t want to uproot issues.  But I wanted to spend quality time with my Grandma so I went, initially with a closed heart.

 

When I first got pregnant my Grandma told me a story about a young girl born in Eston, under what some may consider to be not-ideal circumstances.  Her story was used by both my Grandma and my mother to encourage me during my pregnancy.  I wont go into detail about her story since it is not mine to tell, but the bottom line was, no matter how a child is born, they are a gift from God, a miracle. 

 

As I got onto the bus my eyes connected with a beautiful young lady and right away I thought about how I could potentially strike up a conversation with her.  I felt connected to her and I could tell strangely enough she felt the same way about me.   As I made my way to the back of the bus my grandma stopped me to introduce me to the young lady’s mother and proceeded to tell her I went to Bible school in the small town where they lived, Eston.  I knew right away that young lady, who is now in the early 30’s was the young lady who encouraged me throughout my pregnancy.

 

As the trip transpired we managed to strike up a friendship, we have a lot in common and many of the same desires.  The speakers at the conference where great; funny, influential, moving messages.   After one of the speakers my new found friend and I went outside to soak up some sun and ended up diving into one of the most powerful conversations I have ever had in my life.  At times I felt like I was looking into Kiya’s eyes 30 years later and hearing about her achievements, insecurities and struggles.  At the same time she listened to me intently with understanding and compassion as I told her about my horrific loss of Kiya- Jade.  I told her I knew of her and how she had encouraged me, and how she is a miracle.   She brought me so much healing.  It was definitely a divine appointment set up by God.   The details of how we relate to each other are private but literally in some aspects identical, it’s crazy how God works.  Intense people, intense.  Mandisa was there performing from American Idol and I loved these lyrics she sung “Have you ever cried a tear that you could not explain?  Have you ever met a stranger who already knew your name?  What if it’s Him?  What if It’s God speaking?”  We just looked at each other, smiling and crying all at the same time, knowing God put us there on that weekend away, together, for a reason. 

 

My grandma and I sure had fun.  We stayed in a room with 2 other ladies, all three of them made me laugh.  My grandma bought me a book, (Thanks Grandma) which I am reading now and loving every page.  We went shopping, swimming, we talked lots.  All of the speakers were excellent and I am slowly learning to “unpack my boxes” and deal with some of the garbage in my life that seems to be too hard to face sometimes.  But I have been making great progress.  Thank you Grandma for inviting me and loving me so very much.  I hope to make it next year too!    I added the song by Mandisa, the video is kinda lame but I thought I would share this.  

Banff, Friends, Jenelle and as always...lessons.

Ahh, why do I do this to myself?  Procrastinate writing.   So much has happened over the last two weeks.  I have been busy busy on weekends and during the week days not much transpires.  It’s almost becoming an unhealthy balance between nothingness and hectic, if that makes any sense.  I don’t know what it is about Calgary, let’s be honest I feel so unmotivated in this city.  I could literally wake up in the morning and not even look outside, grab blu (my blanket) and lay in bed, I don’t even turn on the T.V.  In all fairness I never really got settled until returning from Medicine Hat which was only a few weeks ago, so it has been nice to have my wind down time on the weekdays but its time to get moving now. 

 

Two weekends ago I went to Banff with some friends for a Bachelorette party.  My girlfriend Jessica is marrying another friend of mine, Simon, from bible school.  We had a blast!  Nine girls came out from all over Alberta and Saskatchewan to celebrate.  Two sisters who came had a place there and graciously allowed us to stay in their beautiful home.  We went to a Jazz club and enjoyed live music, ate out at the Grizzly House where I ate animals such as shark, alligator, ostrich egg, frog legs, venison, buffalo and even rattlesnake!  We went swimming at the hot springs and of course had a party for Jess.  We even went out for a quick dance at the local club, but we were all exhausted from the action packed weekend we didn’t stay long.   While I was in Australia I was constantly reminding myself to take advantage of scenic Canada, and Banff never lets me down.  The drive was beautiful and so is my country!

 

Being with those girls, I learnt so much.  The importance of community.  I loose sight of that in Calgary, ill admit.  I have great friends, not too many acquaintances.  I love my coffees with Sarah, sharing my dreams with Diandra, and of course Taleah we live vicariously through each other, she’s my therapist for now …haha.   But it was kind of nice to be around people who can just relax together, laugh and have a good time.   Jessica taught me so much about my own future that weekend, she is so content.  It’s beautiful.  I cant imagine, for good reason, about to be married in a few weeks and absolutely not worrying about what my future husband is doing on his bachelor weekend.  She is so confident in her decision, I mean, my goodness, isn’t that wonderful? Yet why am I so shocked?  This is how it should be. 

 

Later on in the week I went out for dinner with Denise.  Denise recently miscarried and I found out while in Australia.  My heart broke for Denise and we started to build a friendship…through loss.  We both agreed, it makes us more sad than happy to know we relate to each other because of loss but none-the-less, it is great to make new friends regardless of how they come about.   We had great conversation, and I was so encouraged by Denise’s story of her and her husband, and how their loss made them so much closer as a couple.    

 

Relationships are hard work, no doubt.  But maybe they are not as complex as my past has lead me to believe.  I have all of these weddings this summer, practically everyone on facebook is pregnant and it doesn’t help that it was around this time last year I found out I was expecting; but these last few weeks have allowed me to just breathe.  I have things I want to improve in my personal life, characteristics within myself which need a little tearing down and building up before I am ready to embark on a life long journey.  I have never felt more content or finality for that matter than I have the last few weeks about my decision to be alone.  Though sometimes it’s a struggle it’s always a lesson, so thanks girls for opening my eyes and teaching me about the importance patience and practicality without even knowing it! 

 

My sister Jenelle left today for her mission to India.  Please pray for her and her team as they embark on this journey.  My sister gathered (I think) SIX bags of donations, toys, candy, and clothes for the children.  She’s amazing.  I am so proud of her and miss her already.   I’m so excited to hear her stories and allow her to pass the travel bug back my way!  I love you Jenelle! 

 

I have much more to blog about, but I am a little tired tonight, this past weekend I was in Spokane with my Grandma Matson, but it definitely deserves a blog of its own, amazing things happened, so stay tuned. 

 

Love you guys!  

When You Were Young

Kiya's Legacy Continues

Well I must admit, I have never in my life donated blood.  I need to start, so hold me accountable.  I would have donated when I was in the hospital but doctors didn't know at the time if her illness was related to me in any shape or form.  If It was I would have been doing society more harm than good, but I have a clean bill of health and should begin donating ASAP.

That is my new goal. 

My cousin Kim has been deeply impacted by the life of Kiya.  Kim helped me find work when I came back from my internship in Washington D.C. pregnant and desperately looking for a job.  Kim was one of my closest friends throughout my pregnancy.  The little confiding I did do throughout my pregnancy, I went to her.  God so predestined my job at TransCanada to give me a trustworthy friend through crazy times.  

Kim became the representative from the corporate blood donation challenge just because of Kiya Jade.  She hates needless and was sick for a few days after she gave blood, but she did it anyways.  She is an inspiration to me.  After Kiya passed I have wondered "What can I do to make a difference?"  thats the difference.  Key words:  I wondered.  Kim did.  Kim made a difference and continues to make a difference through her efforts at TransCanada.  

Kim, I love you.  You will never know how tremendously you have blessed me.  Thank you.  

If you click on this picture it will make it bigger...I don't know how to make it big on my blog.

This is an article I helped Kim with and published for the TransCanada employees.  It's short, read it!   

My sister Jenelle also began donating blood when Kiya was in the hospital and rallying through her networks.  I know a few of my friends and relatives went along with Jenelle to donate, thank-you!  

I'm not great at convincing people to do things but YOU have the potential to save somebody's life and become a hero.  Tomorrow is as good-a-day as any.  

My Room in Quotes

Peace is not the product of a victory or a command. It has no finishing line, no final deadline, no fixed definition of achievement. Peace is a never-ending process, the work of many decisions. 

--Oscar Arias

This is my "depressed stance."  When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand.  The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better.  If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this. 

--Charlie Brown 

We cannot change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot guilt and plant forgiveness. Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for hate --- thereby, making the present comfortable and the future promising.

--Maya Angelou

there are two lasting bequests we can give our children: One is roots, the other is wings. 

-- Hodding Carter quotes

Happiness is a function of accepting what is.  

--Werner Erhard

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think.  Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.  

--A.A. Milne

No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.

-- Lin Yutang

Observe this dew-drenched rose of Tyrian gardens

A rose today.  But you will ask in vain

Tomorrow what it is; and yesterday

It was the dust, the sunshine, and the rains.

--  Christina Rosetti

If there were nothing else to trouble us, the fate of the flowers would make us sad.

--   John Lancaster Spalding, Aphorisms and Reflections

Happy Mothers Day!

written May 11 2009

Mothers Day, Oh Mothers Day.  Since I have been home I have sure been on an emotional ride.  Tears seem to flow much more frequently while I am in Calgary.   As my sister Christa put it, everything is still fresh in “reality days.”  When I am gone it’s almost as if I am in a fantasy world where all of my emotions are easier to cope with.   I have really only been home for less than two months since Kiya passed, the other three months I have been traveling.  I am blessed to have the opportunity to travel but I must admit it, traveling is an escape, even though escaping was not my intention.  Now I feel stronger and more capable to face the pain “reality” brings.  When I am in Calgary I feel closer to Kiya, memories seem to flow and the motherhood mentality seems to slightly kick in. 

 

Yesterday was Mothers Day and it was tough but I’m relieved to have the “first” Mother’s Day over with.  I woke up and went to the cemetery early in the morning.  The most enjoyable part of going to see her is the drive there and the drive back.  I listen to music, cry, pray, ya know go all crazy and talk to myself.  But once I get there, I feel awkward and out of place.  I think the whole idea of a burial is sad.  I mean what else do you do with a body?  I suppose it’s as good as it gets.  When I am there I don’t reflect on the time I had with Kiya, all I can think about is how her innocent little body and precious face is lying under the cold ground.  It makes me nauseous and anxious. 

 

For Mothers Day this year my sister Jenelle, Mom and Dad came to Medicine Hat.  We were there with my Grandpa, uncles and auntie and my cousin Candace and her beautiful ridiculously smart baby Oliva.  Today marks one year since my grandmother passed away, She passed last year on Mothers Day.  I miss her too and have spent much of my time here reminiscing about her.  My grandmother was the type of woman who never spoke a bad word about somebody else.  She is the type of friend everyone wants to have, easy to talk to, without passing judgment or turning around and speaking behind your back.  My grandma died of Cancer and in her final days the Cancer had metastasized into her brain.  One of the final things she told me was “Tiffany, you are learning, learning that life is not always a bed of roses.”  Less than a couple weeks later I was pregnant and about to embark on this crazy emotional rollercoaster.

 

I flew yesterday to Medicine Hat with my father.  When I fly with my dad I really fear the Lord.  I feel so small in his plane, and the world is so big.  As we soared eye level with the clouds I was in Awe.  I thought of Kiya, Grandma and my mother and a lot about life itself.  Clouds are so mysterious.  One of the first things about them I noticed is how they cast a shadow on the earth below.  One of the pictures I took really captured that image.  Where the sun was shining the earth was bright and where the cloud was hanging it was dark and gloomy.  From earth clouds to me, right now, resemble somewhat feelings of sadness, and despair. But once you rise above it, you can see…this too shall pass.  Maybe kind of like God when he watches us in the midst of a storm, I just imagined him saying “Look at this dry harvest, I’m watering it to make it flourish, what about the dry grass? Tiffany, it’s going to be bright and green.  Hold on, there is always a rainbow after the rain…this too shall pass”   Furthermore, I noticed from above the clouds were beautiful, all of them,  so while it was raining down below, it was clear skies above, maybe like Heaven.  And even in the midst of a cloud, the turbulence, the shortness of breath that makes me fear the Lord.  He is saying “I’m here with you, but remember I’m the pilot.” Just as my father was not only with me but totally in control.  Thanks Dad, I love you.  I hope I remember our flights the next time I make big decisions in my life, it’s much easier to arrive safely when God initiates the flight plan.   It makes me reflect on the times I told God to take a back seat and I flew the plane….yup, you got it, crash landing.  Live, fly and learn.

 

I cant say enough about my moms strength.  Recently she has lost a sister, her mother and a grand daughter.  That’s three generations.  We mourn differently but we relate and feel each others pain.  I know, because I am a mother too, she feels my pain much more than I feel hers.  When Kiya had to see the eye doctor, she scream ed but I screamed louder, she cried but I cried harder.  Mom, you believe in me, you think I can do anything, even the things I don’t think I can do.  You have supported my choices and stood by my side.  I still cant hide from your intuition.  Just when I thought I would never have your strength, I found it in myself and saw that very strength in my daughter.  I Love you more than words, Happy Mothers Day! 

 

Kiya, thank you for making me a mother, for making me the person I am today, for making me see the world through different eyes.  There are no words to describe my love for you.

 

Happy Mothers Day!

 

Wee hours of the morning I woke to watch you rest

Praising God for every rise and fall within your chest.

 

I placed my fingers gently on your heart to feel the beat.

I took delight in every movement from your fingers to your feet.

 

Praise the Lord for the day I heard your cries

For the hours we spent rocking, for the countless lullabies.

 

For the moments the world walked away to give us space,

So I could break the rules and kiss your precious face.

 

Oh, the way you held my hand with your tiny little fingers

and the scent of fresh Heaven that even now still lingers.

 

You recognized my voice as soon as I entered the room.

Yes, we did a lot of talking while you were in my womb

 

Nothing will ever compare to your eyes locking with mine

They were light and radiant, your stare was so divine.

 

Admirers stood in awe every time you smiled

I am proud and blessed to have you as my child.

 

You were perfect; your hair, your face, your voice

If I had to take the pain again I wouldn’t make a different choice

 

You are a blessing God lent me from above,

and not even death can come between a mothers love

 

I know the day is coming when I will finally hear you say

“I’ve really missed you mommy, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!”

 

--Tiffay Matson: May 7, 2009

New York and my heart

Connecticut was awesome and relaxing but I am excited to get home.  I stayed at my brother-in-laws house and I had my very own room which was so nice!  Every time John or one of the kids has a birthday or an event the Coppola’s/Depolis open their home to the Matson clan.  I am so appreciative for it.  They have opened their home to me even when John or Christa are not here, who can say they have a relationship with their sisters in-laws like that?  I am blessed.  I wish I had more energy this trip to do more, visit more, see more, but I cant even lie…I’m exhausted.  My stuff has been spread all over the floor since the day I got here, I think its because I would rather live off the floor than out of a suitcase at this point, I cant even look at it right now.  I crave sleeping in my own bed like a blueberry bagel when I was pregnant. 

 

For some reason I had it in my head I was only going to be here for 4 days but it was a full week and I cant really remember everything I have done.  The first night here I went for a walk with two of my friends down Greenwich Ave, they have a Lulu Lemon here which is pretty cool, pretty basic, reminisced about the crazy summer a few years back and called it a night.  The next day was John’s birthday…Happy Birthday John!  My brother in law over the years has become one of my closest friends…he’s really cool for 30, just kidding John!   His party was so much fun and the food was great, as always!  My mom also had a birthday back at home while I was away, so HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!  I love you so much!

 

I also had the opportunity to go into the city for a day.  I loved looking at all the shoes and found so many cheap stores, but after Australia, I don’t have space in my closest or the patience to try things on.  I tried to do the whole Canal street thing, which is the place you go to buy fake purses and jewelry and other fun stuff, but I couldn’t bare the thought of trying to bargain with somebody, I paid full price for a scarf and went on my way.  The day was wonderful, I love the city, I would LOVE to live here.  Of all the places in the world I find New York to be the most romantic city, I love the diversity and the rush, the feeling of a warm breeze on a hot sleepless summer night and the sound of cars honking and heels clicking in the wee hours of the morning.   Life is good.  I took a long walk from Grand Central to Union Square where I meet Liza, Kiya’s Auntie.  She took me to an amazing place to eat, Max Brenner, where we had a flawless lunch followed by an equally flawless Hot Chocolate, during powerful and inspiring conversation.  I didn’t really know my intentions when I went (although I am trying to work on intention) but I ended up walking away feeling blessed by our discussion and her wisdom.  

 

I went out last night with some old friends to a pub, but after a half hour I was ready to jet.  I have just been so grateful to be reunited with old friends and get to know them on a new level, even though maybe our “season” is over we still make an effort to keep in touch.  Friends from Connecticut, you are always welcome to stay….in my parents basement…in Canada.  That just doesn’t sound right, I need a job and a house of my own! 

 

I am just about to get on my plane and head home.  Anger…oh anger, its been a huge chain in my life for far too long.  Unfortunately through my travels I have encountered so many people who can relate to anger.  Some who have managed it well and others who have let it eat them alive.  I will be the first to admit it gets the best of me sometimes, but it is something I am aware of and earnestly working to improve in my own life.  In high school, my grade 12 year, one of my best friends and I had a falling out and every time I feel myself going into that dark cloud of anger I remember our altercation.  Nothing really transpired between us, there was no reason for us to fight, but events occurred between our family’s causing a drift in our relationship.  I wanted to remain friends but it was too much for her and I had to respect that.  Man was she angry, if she even saw me in the hallway it would throw her into a fury, our friends divided, rumors spread around not only the high school but the whole town.  There were times during my final year I don’t even like to remember.  I questioned if she had a legitimate reason to be upset, even though it was none of my business but I really wasn’t angry with her, I had different emotions and at the time, anger wasn’t my struggle.  But it’s interesting how recently it has become my struggle and I am using that experience to guide me.  As grad approached many of our close friends decided to get a limo bus together but she refused to ride with me to grad.  All of our friends were mutual and I went as far as approaching her myself to tell her to come, but to no avail.  As Grad night approached all of our friends and I got on the bus, I had an amazing night, I laughed and reminisced with my friends, made memories and I have no regrets.  Now I don’t know how she feels about how grad night transpired, maybe she had a blast too, I hope she did, but she did go to grad alone in her dads truck.  She still has her pride and I still have my memories and we still haven’t really spoken since.  I don’t want to look back on my life with regrets, and although I don’t know how she feels about it, I know I would regret her decision had I made it. 

 

I have nothing and nobody to be angry at.  Grad night taught me a few lessons but one I have told myself time and time again over the past few months, my anger hurts me the most.  My negative thoughts only hold me back, the other person is too busy living life and moving forward to care, help, or even notice.  They are too busy on the grad bus making memories!  I feel like as I enter home, I have been slowly stepping out of my dads truck…he’s NOT driving me to grad!  From the people I have met I have seen anger grow into bitterness and I don’t want to be bitter.  I have learnt so much on my travels and I want to walk in my new knowledge.  I want to embrace the fact that I have a choice to be happy or to be miserable and only, only, only I, no matter what gets thrown at me, have a decision to make the best of it.  I will not be a victim to my circumstance, or anyone else’s for that matter.  I have better things to do then waste time hurting myself with anger.  I feel free from it and although it’s a continuous lesson, I hope I can recuperate faster every time I am faced with this obstacle.  Until then I am going to bask in this redemption and enjoy life, for what is. 

 

I am ready to go home.  Fresh page, new start, no drama, just love.  I feel like at this point in my life I am really learning great lessons about intuition and intention.   I would love to go more in depth but I have been a little apprehensive lately of sharing my heart on my blog.   I guess I feel a little vulnerable.  So many people write me and tell me how they are inspired or affected by my blog, which is always wonderful to hear.  Recently though, I realized so many of the people who read my blog, know me fairly in depth and I have no idea who they are.  It becomes intimidating especially as I run across people I have never met who read my blog, or people I haven’t seen in years.  This has been the case in both Phoenix and New York.  As much as I appreciate it and think its pretty rad people check up on my life, travels, heart...its kind of like “well there’s not much for me to say, you pretty much know me inside and out.”  And what’s the sense of relationship if that’s the case?  When I meet somebody they are going to be able to log online and see my history, baggage, achievements, not all- but a lot of me.  I guess as much as I have enjoyed sharing both my thoughts and activities I also need to learn to guard my heart.  Not because I have anything to hide, or because I want to build a defense, but because its important to build equal relationships, its important to have a story to tell. 

 

With that being said, a lot of my heart will be unsaid.

I don’t know what’s next but my shades are on, my future is bright!  

Back In Gods Hands

Well I am not prepared to give an update on what New York has been like so far.   I plan on posting about my adventures in NYC/CT in a few days.  But I wanted to take the time tonight to post a quick blog about little miss Kiya Jade.  Although I want my life to be a legacy for Kiya she is no longer the direct theme of many of my blogs.

 

Well Kiya, four months ago today you peaced out of this crazy world.  That day feels like forever ago and yesterday all at the same time.  My emotions have been high and I have been somewhat looking for a hole to crawl into.  I maintain composure and stay strong, because I am strong.  You made me strong. 

 

Sara and I got “lost” in the market one day in Sydney and the most profound thing popped out of her mouth.  “How do I know if I’m lost, if I don’t even know where I am going?”  That question, my dear, is the story of my life.  I’m not lost, I just have no idea where I am going, and there is a huge difference between the two.  But as I find myself, I find you…in the strangest places. 

 

And today I saw you in New York city.  Both your parents love this city, in fact a lot of your extended family loves  New York, has lived or lives in NYC.  Last summer was a crazy one, but it got extremely crazy after we found out we were having you shortly after we visited The Big Apple.  I felt comfortable today knowing this is where it all happened, right here, through these streets, restaurants, various cabs, stores and parks.  We only held hands and laughed a little, but somehow you managed to come along…lol.  Four months to the day of your passing, I’m back in this city, alone, but I didn’t feel lonely.  I miss you and I always will but I felt loved today even though I didn’t have anyone to hold my hand, Kiya you hold my heart. 

 

You are beautiful Kiya.  My God, you made a gorgeous baby.  I miss you and I think of you everyday.  I love you Kiya Jade.  Forever and ever.  

Arizona, Britney Spears and Pics.

It felt good to be home, for the two days I was back in Calgary.  I had a chance to visit with some friends but for the most part I did my favorite thing, I had me time, alone time, time to reflect on my travels and life as it now stands.  Its tough, I feel like I have learnt so much and grown so much on my travels and now I really need to transition that growth into my everyday life.  It’s a lot easier to walk in the growth when you are away from home.  It was almost as if from the moment I drove away from the airport all I could think about was my clock ticking, how I have missed the boat on finding Mr. Right and how life is moving at the speed of light.  Sometimes I have to give my head a shake and say “Tiffany, YOUR 23!” 

 

I loved sleeping in my own bed and waking up in the morning to my parents, sister and puppy dogs.  But sometimes I feel like my life is not only at a stand still in some ways, but that it’s actually moving backwards!  How can this be?  Its hard to believe less than 4 months ago I had a child, a house, and partner and now at 23 I am back to living in my parents basement.  Not that there is anything wrong with my parents basement, its nicer than any place I could afford, but its not my own and its not exactly where I thought I would be in life by this age.   I’m in the process of contemplating my next move.  I love traveling but it comes with sacrifices.  I remember this great sermon I heard while I was pregnant, every yes has a no and every no has a yes.  If I say “yes” to traveling, I am saying “no” to stability, financial security, career advancement, and much more, its just a matter of weighing out the pros and cons at this point.

 

And it doesn’t help when I come to Arizona (which is where I am now) and Tula and Mav light up my life!  Tula is a handful, but she is so bright and full of life.   She thinks her Auntie Tiff is pretty “cool”  I wake up to her in my suitcase trying on my bathing suits, or stomping around in my shoes repeating herself “Cool! Cool! Ohhhh…Cooooool!”  And Mav, I couldn’t get enough of him from the first time I met him.  He is precious, such a good baby.   I love going in to his room to get him when I hear him crying after nap time.  He is so happy somebody has “rescued” him again, and I am glad to get the credit!

 

Last night, I had the opportunity to “rescue” him in the middle of the night, when John had already left for work.  I brought him to my sister and crawled into her bed.  I couldn't hold back my tears as I listened to her breathing as she slept so peacefully and Mav going to town on a midnight snack.  Italy, Mexico and even Australia, nothing compares to the beautiful noise of nature, a mother feeding her child.  I wish I had that opportunity with Kiya, one day, God willing I will have that serenity with another baby, but I wish I could have had it with Kiya. 

 

On a lighter note, THE BRITNEY SPEARS CONCERT!  It was so good.  Worth the wait and coming home from Australia for!  She is a great performer and the circus theme was very entertaining.  The Pussycat dolls opened for her and they put on a great show.  We had amazing seats.  We were 4^th row on the first level and since it was a three ring stage for the circus theme, her stage almost covered the entire floor, so we were extremely close to the one and only Britney Spears, yes I said it, the one and only. 

 

A few days ago Christa took me out to a spot where she wants to take some photos and used me as the model, which was fun.  She is an amazing photographer and we got some great shots!  I even took some in my bikini which I am apprehensive to post because I know a lot of family reads this blog and probably wouldn’t approve but… since its my blog and Im proud of my post baby body, Im going to share a few.  I worked hard in Australia to get back into shape, I love my post baby body, especially my scar which you cant see, one day I hope to get that too photographed. 

 

Tomorrow we head out to NYC.  I am really excited to go into the city for a day, maybe see some old friends, and hang out with Johns family.  We are going to celebrate Johns 30^th Birthday!   I will try to post again sometime in NY.

 

Nimbin Continued 2

Nimbin Museum

Australian Sunrise

Shoes...My Last Post Before I Head Home

Well my faithful readers, those just stopping by, snoppy folk and most importantly to my personal journal, this will be my last entry before heading home.  I write this as I just left the Bus station, tears still fresh and rolling down my cheeks as I said goodbye to Laurence, Sid, Nerdia, Trish and of course Sara. 

 

I don’t know where to start, there is no way to sum up this trip in words.  It has been beyond fun, adventurous, hilarious—I have laughed and laughed.  (“How far Sara?”  “Too far Tiffany!)  These inside jokes will last a lifetime.  I have healed, grown, loved, grew closer to my maker and got to know myself better than ever. 

 

Sara, I will miss you, maybe not you because I am going to see you in a few short weeks, but this trip with you.  I can’t even thank you enough for being such an awesome friend.  We didn’t get into one fight, not a single heated argument.  There is something different about you Sara, you don’t need to run around preaching the gospel for people to see Christ in you, your love for life and Him shines in you daily.  You do it with style and grace and you always look so damn good too!  Yes, God created you so beautiful, inside and out.  I love you so much Sara, you are a dear friend and a true blessing. 

 

I don’t want to leave, sure I miss home but this is the life.  A few mornings ago we woke up at 4:30 am and drove out to the lighthouse.  We watched the sunrise from the most Easterly point of Australia.  It was beautiful.  I saw more dolphins swimming in the water, and watched God’s glory move across the sky.  It was immaculate.  The night before last, which was supposed to be my last night in Byron Bay, Sara and I went out to celebrate and my new friend Trish came too!  Well if you want to know what happened that night, you’ll have to call and ask, but we went out with a bang.  Good times, good times, and Sara listen to your mother, no more hitch hiking…that’s trouble;)  The next day we spent sleeping, sleeping and sleeping and I don’t regret one single snooze.  That night Sid, the pastor, approached me and asked if I wanted to say a word at church.  At first I said no, but with some encouragement I obliged.   

 

This morning I ended my trip speaking to the small congregation at the church.  Isn’t that amazing?  It’s really cool I had the opportunity.  I don’t remember everything I said but I started with “I will not make it through this without crying.” and I was bawling before I finished the sentence.  I shared portions of my story of Kiya, I didn’t say everything I had planned, but what ended coming out was my heart. 

 

I wrote this poem the day after I lost my shoes.  I left them at the waterfall when I climbed over the barrier to get a closer look.  I shared this with the congregation today and although I wouldn’t consider it one of my most well written poems, it is one of my favorites. There wasn’t a dry eye in the church this morning, at least not one I could see through my own tears. I’m not ready to sum up my entire trip, but this poem sums up a lot of my journey.  I still cant believe I wrote a poem about my lost shoes lol, and I cant believe I’m sharing it.  I hope you enjoy it. 

 

Also, just want to say Happy Birthday to Kiya’s Grandpa Papa Matson and her Grandma Nighisti.  I love you both very much.  I hope this year brings you many blessings.

 

 

Shoes—Tiffany Matson

 

I write this as a warning,

To the one who finds my shoes.

Looks can be deceiving.

They are not gently used.

 

I’m trying to send this with love

Not with jealously or spite,

But those shoes weren’t just any shoes

They were “The Shoes” that fit just right.

 

I know you’ll find this hard to believe,

But this could turn out tragic.

You need to know before you leave,

The shoes I lost are magic.

 

I imagine you found them parched,

On the rocks beside the water.

I carelessly left them there,

While searching for my daughter.

 

See, when she first went missing

I didn’t know where to go.

And I bought those shoes while looking

For her in Mexico.

 

I tried them on and to my surprise

They fit just like a glove.

I knew they were a blessing

God had sent me from above.

 

At first I desperately wandered

At a breathless sprinting pace,

Until my shoes stopped moving

And I was surrounded by His grace.

 

I could feel weight on my feet

Making my world move in slow motion.

“Breathe, my precious child” I heard

“Take time to hear the ocean.”

 

So I listened to the waves

As they crashed onto the shore

And every wave gave me a memory

Of her I could live for.

 

Once arriving back at home

My love had done me wrong

When couldn’t muster up the courage

My shoes helped me to be strong.

 

I tried convincing myself

It was easier to stay,

But my shoes knew I deserved the best

And helped me walk away.

 

I was heartbroken and lost

And feeling rather alone

So I took my shoes walking

Through Florence, Venice and Rome

 

I began to trust where I was going,

Even when I couldn’t see the end.

Italy marks the place where

My shoes became my friend.

 

My next stop was Australia,

Home to my fresh start.

I learnt to love myself here,

With my daughter in my heart

 

I walked through every open door,

And took every chance.

Facing every fear,

I crawled my way to dance.

 

I learnt to live with passion

And walked with God each day.

From Sydney, Cairns to Airlie Beach

Right down to Byron Bay.

 

I guess its no coincidence

Tomorrow I go home.

Those shoes will forever be with me

I am no longer on my own.

 

Though my feet are no longer graced

With their comfort and style,

Take my shoes dear stranger,

I dare you, walk a mile.

 

They don’t come with a handbook

There are no rules to abide

Just a baby step of faith

Which gets longer stride-by-stride.

 

Sometimes this journey is a struggle

But his promises are true

And yes, I’m going to miss them

But they now belong to you.

 

Just incase your wondering

I found her on the ledge

She was swimming in the waterfall

When I looked over the edge.

 

I could have jumped in with her

But when I turned around,

I could not see my shoes

They were nowhere to be found.

 

I took it as a sign

God wants to show me more.

So while she lives in Heaven

For now, Ill stay on shore.

 

See God gave me those shoes

To wear like Jesus on my feet

But now He resides within me

Its time the two of you should meet.

 

I write this as a warning

To the one who finds my shoes.

Looks can be deceiving.

They are not gently used.

Nimbin Pics Continued

my computer is being SOOOO LAME, so annoyed right now. 

I need to add more pics but here is me and the waterfall, the bottom pick is Laura, aka the drug dealer.  I will be adding more really cool pics of Nimbin soon.  

Nimbin and Surfing!

The last few days in Byron have been great.  The day after the festival we were in desperate need for clean laundry but we live about 30 min from downtown Byron.  Seeing as we had no ride into town, Sara and I decided to hitch hike.  The third car picked us up and took us to the laundry mat.  Hitch hiking was fun, something I can check off the bucket list, and although this time it was extremely successful I wouldn’t get into a habit of it.

 

This morning we woke up to the sun beating down on us.  It was marvelous weather.  We got into our bathing suits and made our way to the beach.  Today was my first time surfing and it was a blast!  I loved every minute of it.  At first I was apprehensive about getting in the water, but once I got in, only my dad knows, you can barely get me out.   I stood up my second try and by my fourth attempt I rode a wave for what seemed like an extremely long time.  I was so excited I was screaming the whole wave, the surfers in the water were both laughing and cheering for me.   The funniest thing is just seeing the pictures now, I thought I was riding a tidal wave or something but it’s just a dinky little wave, isn’t it?  Ah well it’s a start.  Two years ago I had never been on a wakeboard but by the end of my first summer I was already doing some really cool tricks.  Days like today make me want to get a visa, and a surfboard and move here for a year.  Learn a new thing, anything, surfing, drums, the didgeridoo—haha, anything new, I just want to learn.  And everyone I run into teaches me something.  Every person is a new lesson.  God seems to be teaching me more these days then possibly ever. 

 

I just finished reading “The Shack” today.  I don’t know really where to start or where to end this blog.  “The Shack” hit home on so many levels.  Kiya…my friends I have missed my little girl desperately.   I could relate to Mack on so many levels about his questions for God.  After reading the Shack I truly do believe God didn’t cause Kiya’s death, but he can work through it.  God can transform something tragic into something wonderful and I am already seeing that miraculous transformation, are you?   Read “The Shack” if you haven’t already, it’s a great perception of Gods attribute of Love.  I know that since being in Byron Bay God has mostly been teaching me about forgiveness, Easter was a rude awakening, but since then I feel like this huge burden has been heavily lifted off my chest, the world seems a little lighter and I feel a little closer to the one who forgave me.   

 

 

 

Yesterday was a blast, one of the things I was really looking forward to, don’t ask me why, was a town called Nimbin.  Nimbin is known as Hippie central.  Basically you go this tiny little town to buy drugs.  So just to get one thing clear, I don’t do any drugs but I guess I wonder what all the fuss is about.  After talking with lots of locals and other tourists, Nimbin had mixed reviews.  Some people said it was fun, others said they felt darkness the moment they entered the town.  I wanted to go make my mind up for myself, so Sara, Rachel, Trish and I rented a car and made our way to the little town to see what it was all about.

 

Rumor has it Nimbin was started by doctors and lawyers or other people that decided they didn’t want to live the rat race.  They were fairly young but took what they had and started a town.  The Hippies were along the coast and it was bad for the family tourism so the government encouraged them to move to Nimbin as well.  What started off as successful people trying to chill, quickly turned into a drug infested town where there was no control. 

 

So my interpretation of what I saw…hummm…

 

Well we picked up a lady hitch hiker on our way who informed us she was a drug dealer, good to know once she was already in the car.  Anyways she was sweet as pie and blatantly honest.  “Why would I work a office job, when I can sit in the sun selling cookies and make $300 a day?”  While I don’t agree with her, I appreciated the honesty.  That experience alone pretty much summed up my trip to Nimbin. 

 

I wanted to leave Nimbin in disgust, I really did.  I wanted to say “Oh, that’s sad, look at what they have done to themselves.”  I wanted to feel that darkness when I entered the town…I don’t know why.  Maybe I wanted a more interesting story to tell, or maybe that’s just how drugs have had an impact on my life so I relate more to that perception.  But to be honest it didn’t do that for me at all.

 

First of all, unlike Mexico the people were extremely pleasant.  As we walked through the various shops of beautiful handmade clothes and trinkets we were approached to buy drugs.  We would say “no thanks!” and they would say “okay ladies have a good afternoon!”  The dealers didn’t chase after us or pressure us, like they had Jenelle and I in Cabo.  Yes, a lot of people there are missing teeth, skinny as rails, some completely out of it, but not most.  And if I had to compare any feeling I had while in Nimbin, it surely wouldn’t be of darkness, rather grace.  

 

For certain, I have seen less composed drug addicts outside the Cecil in Calgary than I did in Nimbin.  And I must say my observation in that is- honesty.  As sad and unfortunate as this may be; the people don’t seem to be hiding much.  Its like they made a choice and said “this is the way I want to live”, and now they are living it.   Good for them.  At the very least they are, in some sense, owning up to their choices and as a result the consequences are obvious.  They don’t seem to judge others and they expect to be treated with the same respect, especially in their territory.  They aren’t entering relationships under a false pretense.   They aren’t hiding from cops or the government.  They aren’t trying to squeeze themselves into a society full of rejection.  I know this much about addiction, it sucks when something silly has a priority over your life, but Kudos on ya for being honest about it.  I appreciated it Nimbin, even if the rest of society doesn’t!  I’m not trying to say people that are addicted to drugs should just embrace it, nor am I trying to justify their choices or way of life, but personally if I was a drug addict who was unwilling or uniterested in changing, I would rather live in Nimbin then spend the rest of my life living a lie.  Just my take on drugs, for what its worth. 

 

We went through the museum and it was filled with great art work, very inspirational.  One of the quotes I saw read “What drugs did you do today…and why?” The last bit really got me.  There is always are reason behind the madness, who am I to be the judge? 

 

After a few hours of shopping around we drove up to see a beautiful waterfall, a 100 meter drop.  Obviously you can’t jump that but Sara and I leapt over the barrier to get a closer peak, maybe I did it more out of curiosity again.  When your peaking over death, one more step, worse yet a wet foot and a slide and I’m gone!  Obviously not responsible but adrenaline pumping, I have a lot to live for should God decide to keep me on earth.  A quick prayer of thanksgiving for finding the waterfall after much needed growth and not a few months ago, then I slowly crawled around to find myself yet again on solid ground. 

 

So much of my journey these past few days is extremely personal.  Its not that I don’t want to share, but it would take too much time.   These are the times I pull out my journal and jot notes, and hopefully one day when my crazy life calms down I really will write a book.  I know this may change week-to-week, year-to-year, even minute-by-minute, but these days I don’t feel to be walking around with much of a hole at all, I have my moments, but I have been waking up in the morning feeling whole.  I miss Kiya, still wish she were here and that wont ever change but Kiya is a part of me, her memories live inside of me, and her spirit resides peacefully in the place one day I too will call home.  I have had many “God moments” here and there is no doubt in my mind I came to where God wanted me to be.  Byron Bay has been like one big living, breathing, interesting, growing, challenging, journey.  But I will be honest, I miss my family, Tutu and Maver, and I am excited to continue my journey in a bed without bugs! 

Bluesfest 2009 in Byron Bay!

(written yesterday)

It’s almost 1:00am now but I had to stay up to write with today’s adventures still fresh in my mind.  These past few days have been so enjoyable but ever since I received and started reading “The Shack”  my mind has been constantly thinking and searching.  I have had many revelations in the past few days which I am hoping to share later when I the final result is clear, for now my growth is a work in progress and my messy garden is beautiful. 

 

Sara, Rachel (another young girl staying at the church) and I, all woke up to the pitter patter of rain drops on our window, and while usually the sound of rain brings comfort to my soul, when your in your last few weeks of Australia; its becomes more about maintaining that precious tan.  None-the-less we made a great day out of it.  We woke up, had breakfast, tea and read for a while.  Might I add, almost every time I have opened up “The Shack” somebody in the church picks up a guitar and begins to softly strum a beautiful sequence of chords, making the book completely come to life.  It almost seems as though every strum is in tune to where I am at in the book.  It brings out much more emotion in me, or maybe the book is just that good at keeping me attentive.   After reading we all found ourselves at the front of the tiny café style church sitting on the stools, strumming the guitars and playing the piano.  I haven’t picked up a guitar in a very long time, but I was pleasantly surprised how I remembered the little guitar I already knew, enough to keep up to the basic Christian music we had on hand.  Then we jammed out to our own thing which was cool because with Sara on piano I finally got to hear a few songs I have written on both the piano and the guitar and together…well lets just say it didn’t sound particularly how I envisioned, but it was a fun afternoon inside cozy and warm.

 

Now onto the fun stuff! 

 

Sara and I left the church in the pouring rain.  Determined and sure we were sneaking into the Byron Bay Bluesfest.  We walked through a field of cow patties in sandals only to find we were nowhere near the gate which we had executed a plan to jump.  While on our shameful, covered in cow crap, walk to the main road we came across an older couple, the woman yapping at her husband “It’s a mess in there, Im not going in!”  Sara and I looked at each other, then with puppy eyes in full bloom ran towards the couple as they headed towards their car. 

“Are you guys going in?” I asked.

“No, there is mudd up to my knees inside, it’s not worth it!” the old lady responded.

“Well then do you mind if we took your wristbands?”

The husband gladly took his off and lady pretended for a short while hers wouldn’t come, but we sat there awkwardly and waited as she pulled it free from her hand.

And there you have it!  My short little story on how I managed to pull another freebie.  The tickets were 130$ and we got in, FREE!

 

As we were taking the wristbands an onlooker approached us to tell us they tug and pull at your wristband as you enter the gates.  With that said we headed to the gas station, already covered in mudd to get some tape, but it wouldn’t stick.  We went back to the church to prefect our wristbands and make sure they looked as though they hadn’t been pulled, pried and recycled, but since I had the husbands wristband mine was huge and I had to keep it that way. 

 

Sara and I made our way to the main entrance of the festival, shoes in hand by that point, and headed towards security.  Sara went in without a glitch, but my dude had a stick up his butt, i.e, he was just doing his job properly and basically busted me.   He did the double take and asked for I.D, I knew this was a stall because how would I.D match up to a wristband and secondly, you don’t need to prove how old you were to get in since it was all ages.  Thankfully I had nothing on me, no bag of any sort.  “Sorry bud, I got nothing.” 

 

He grabbed my wrist as I looked away then slyly looked back. 

“Argh, go in” and he fluttered his wrist as me as if to say “You little brat! Go”

Sometimes it pays to be a brat. 

 

I can’t say enough about the few hours I was there.  All the anticipation and build up of would we or would we not get in, and then the ‘busted but not banned’ episode and then finally we were in!  A good laugh and high five and we were off to look in all the little stands filled with the coolest clothes (which at this point I was really regretting not bringing any money) We stopped at all the tents along the way and listened to all the diverse music.  Every performer had a unique audience, I loved it.  One of my favorite was an aboriginal Australian, tons of hippies gathered in the tent and danced…or maybe moved is a better word.  Either way I was intrigued and sure enough as life would have it in Australia a few hours later I was doing the same thing.  

 

We stopped to grab a bite to eat then headed off to the main stage tent and managed to work our way to the middle to see a great performance by Jason Mraz.  He was surprisingly good live and although his big hit on the radio “I’m Yours” is ridiculously overplayed, the lyrics are great and it is such a beautiful sound when all the instruments hush and even the singer quiets for a chorus to let the audience take over.  It was so much fun.  Then came the headliner, Ben Harper!  I squirmed and squeezed my way to front and center, Sara and I were standing about 5 people back from the stage.  I love Ben!  In fact, I’m not sure anyone knows what true love is until you see Ben Harper live.  Not only is he gorgeous, but he is richly talented and soulful.  I loved his music, but I cant lie, he did disappoint because he didn’t play ANY of his old stuff, he played ALL new songs from his new album which he would like me to tell you is coming out soon.   So although tonight was not a night to “Bring the Funk” or “Steal Kisses” it was mind blowing. 

 

At one point through the show a kid jumped on stage and quickly pulled out his hand to shake Ben’s.  I think the whole crowd ducked and Ben jumped so fast, it looked like he was pulling a gun or a knife, it was very scary.  Security aggressively  came to pull the kid, Daniel, off stage but Ben insisted he stay, only to learn it was Daniels 21^st birthday.  The whole crowd including Ben sang Happy Birthday to Daniel as he bawled like a baby on the stage.  It was so hilarious.  I’m sure he will wake up in the morning and be like “Was I on stage with Ben Harper last night…ah…oh no…man, I think I cried in front of thousands of people.” a memorable event regardless for both the spectators the birthday boy and even Ben Harper himself. 

Ben’s voice is a voice that comes close to reaching the Heavens, it was a very good show.   I don’t know his music all that well, I don’t claim to be a music guru in any right but I do like his music, and most of all his lyrics.  Even tonight certain lines sent shivers down my spine.  “I’m stuck in the middle of what I left behind, and I what I might never find.”  Oh snap, my life in a nutshell.  It makes me think so intensely about what I really want.  But though those words seemed like glue in my memory it just reminds me that what is mentioned in his words are the past and the future, and where I am at today, well this is the present and its called the present because it’s a gift!  So I am going to enjoy this gift, move on from the past and not panic over the future.  If everyday was lived like today, completely sober, spirit filled, adventurous, feeling loved, creative, open, wise and immature all that the same time, why would their be a reason to try and control the future or restore the past? 

 

Jesus, we are working through lots these days aren’t we?  I find it so much easier to talk about God in my blogs, in an attempt to not disclude or make unbelievers less uncomfortable, but since its Easter and I have so much to be forgiven for, Jesus you are the man.  You paid the price, thank-you.  Glory be to you my friend.   My heart is yours.   

Pictures, Memories, and Love!

Byron Bay

Today is my first full day in Byron Bay and I am already so happy I decided to come here.  I arrived late at the bus stop and the pastor came to pick me up.  We got back to the church and people had come to give Sid (the Pastor) a surprise birthday party.  YWAM stayed here last night too which was awesome.  They are on Surf ministry and just finished their DTS training and are now heading to Indonesia for their outreach.  I honestly think ministry that relates to peoples day-to-day lives is the radest thing.  When its really just about spending time with people and showing them Gods love instead of constantly preaching to people about a concept they don’t understand.  I also give props to talented people who use their unique skills which God has blessed them with in order to help others.  They were a group of great people, so funny and loving.  Even last night I had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of their ministry.  They were really a blessing to me, so funny how that happens, how I was just so stressed and I knew I couldn’t stay in Fraser, then I get here and there is a whole group of awesome people to hang out with. 

 

This morning we woke up and made pancakes at the park, YWAM was giving them away and I was on the receiving end of that scrumptious ministry too!  Yum Yum.  In the early afternoon I watched them all surf and basked in the sun, it was a beautiful day!  The YWAMers and I went for lunch and then sadly for me they had to leave, tomorrow they are heading to Indonesia so please keep them in your prayers. 

 

I would say 20 people at least have suggested me reading “The Shack”.  I picked up copy laying around my old house but never really dived into it.  Well today the leader of YWAM walks up to me and says “Have you ever read the Shack? Here, have this!” and gives me a copy.  So I will be chilling out in Byron Bay for the next few days reading and relaxing, exactly what I need to do.  Byron Bay is amazing, I have really only been to the beach and the church where I am staying, its packed here because of the festival but I don’t know if I will be able to get tickets L  No big deal, there is lots to do in Byron bay without the festival, but I would love to see Ben Harper live!  

 

Everything is grand in Aussie Land.  No complaints.  This life is the bomb.  I’m thinking of Kiya all the time and still missing her every moment, but even in that regard I feel like I am healing and getting stronger everyday.   When I walked into the room I am staying a words were spelled out on the wall “Jesus Loves the Little Children.”  I can’t help but think this is where God wants me to be for whatever reason.  I used to sing that song to Kiya all the time, “Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world, red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in his sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world.” 

 

No pics again.  Stealing internet connection AGAIN.  But I am going to this sweet little concrete pad at the side of the road later tonight maybe and download all my pics so you can share in this beautiful experience visually. 

 

Many blessings!

Whitsundays and Rainbow Beach

Wow!  I just arrived back from an amazing adventure, I write to you as I am riding the bus to Rainbow Beach.  The Whitsunday Islands are gorgeous and none of the pictures I took can come close to doing them justice.  Saturday morning we made our way to the market.  Airlie Beach has a very hippie feel to it.  I loved it.  The markets were full of beautiful handmade jewelry and clothes.  We also saw camels, they posed for pictures, so cute!  I bought a few things but I still haven’t found anything mind blowing to take back for my sisters.  I bought these amazing pants called “fisherman pants” and fell in love with them on my trip.  So comfortable, they were definitely the gift I wish I bought everyone in my family but when we got into Airlie Beach today the market was closed, such is life, hope to find a few more pairs along the journey. 

 

Sara and I booked on the “budget” boat.  The sales rep was persistently asking us if we wanted to choose the Tongorhi because its known as the party boat, but we didn’t have the money to upgrade so we went with the booze cruise.  There were 22 people onboard but only 11 spots to sleep.  Sara and I stayed true to our word, we bought a couple of beers for the first night but we didn’t drink a lot, and then the second night I didn’t drink at all, so although it is considered a party boat I didn’t really partake in the drinking festivities. I still had an amazing time, befriended beautiful people from all over the globe and coincidentally of the 22 people there were 6 of us from Canada.  We ate great food, and I’m sure you’ll all be glad to hear since leaving Sydney my appetite is back with a vengeance, I ate my face off and enjoyed my days sitting on the catamaran soaking in the sun and starring at the beautiful land surrounding me.   The first night all 22 of us grabbed sleeping gear and slept on the deck under the stars.  It was so much fun!  Haven’t had a slumber party like that for a while. 

 

The next morning we woke up and headed to Bettis Beach on one of the largest Islands in the Whitsundays.  It’s the beach you see on all the postcards!  It’s mind-blowing!  The water is crystal clear.   We headed to the beach, put our stinger suits on and went searching for sting rays…which are deadly by the way…but you only live once, we wadded towards them and they didn’t attack, they were great.  I got such a  rush from standing so close to some so harmful.  This beach has some of the finest grains of sand in the world so I shined up my jewelry and made sure to pay close attention to the way the sand slithered through my fingers.  Definitely different from other sands I have walked, much more gentle and soft.  The beach is like a giant blanket begging for cuddle time.  Everything was beautiful. 

 

Then we headed off to another location and went snorkeling again.  Here we saw the bright fish, some even neon, stripped, flat, fat, big, small, long…mom I think I even saw buddy swimming around…he says “Hello” to the fam and wants us to know he’s enjoying Heaven.   The Great Barrier Reef was gorgeous and alive!  I have learnt a new respect for nature since being here how gentle one must be with something so fragile, and the reef is.  We left that location and headed to find a spot to settle for the night, we found turtles and best of all a pod of dolphins that swam beside the boat, there was so many!  It was beautiful!  What a blessing it was.  My camera was set to some silly setting so all the pictures are unclear…it its one of those moments which will forever be in my memory for me to look back on and enjoy.  Once we had supper everyone got right into party mode but I was not in the mood, I needed my alone time.  It worked out perfectly because while the rest of the crew stayed at the back of the boat I made my way to the front with my diary and iPod and enjoyed myself for a few hours.  Me and God just chilled for a while.  I think Im starting to learn control over some of my anxieties..  I’m learning I need my time, when I need my time and nothing, not even a bunch of really amazing people can hold me back from digesting everything around me and thanking God for the blessings he has given me.  I feel asleep before most, but it started to rain when I woke up Sara had made up a bed in the cabin and it was just big enough for the two of us so we had a nice dry sleep. 

 

In the morning we woke up had another snorkel but there were a lot of jelly fish and I wasn’t having that.  I was in the water and out the first one I saw.  LOL…when I get nervous people tell me “It would be an act of God to get bit”  Right the and there I get out of the water, God tends to be a little bit of a drama queen in my world and I don’t want to see what kind of act he plays when it come to me and water.  For whatever reason jelly fish scare me and I’m just going to stay clear.

 

That pretty much sums up my adventure with the Whitsundays, I loved every minute of it.  I am really starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, I feel like I have a whole new identity.   I feel like I am living my life, my way, for the first time in a long time.  I hope I can do this when I come back to Canada.  I’m not trying to impress anyone and it feels great.  I just want to be who I am and not feel judged for it, I dress how I want to dress, do my hair the way I want to, I don’t conform here like I do at home and I guess that’s what traveling in some senses allows you to do.  To be who you are afraid to be.  I want to be who I am afraid to be all the time. 

 

 

We have now been in a little town called Rainbow Beach, waiting to go to Fraser Island.  I have enjoyed myself here, maybe last night a little too much.  Anyways, since being here we went out to see the sand blow but it was profusely raining.  Rainbow Beach got its name because the sand is 19 different shades.  The sand blow is where people go to sand board, which I would have loved to give a try, made me miss home a little and I cant wait to get back on the wake board this Summer with my father and go hard.  Later on that night, since it was raining Sara and I sat down to have a few drinks, ended up meeting some Germans, went swimming, hung out and as a consequence to our silly escapade last night, Sara and I slept in and didn’t get to see the dolphins this morning.

 

I decided I don’t really want to go to Fraser Island, and I never really did.  I feel like I will be missing out on something else if I go.  I’m apprehensive, this I know, but I just don’t think this is my cup of tea.  If I want to camp I will go in Canada.  I am staying at a church in Byron Bay and most likely I will be leaving tomorrow morning, well see how it all works out.  I’m at a stage in life were I am trying to look back and learn instead of living with guilt and regrets.  I don’t think I will come home and say I missed out by not going.   And if I do, that means one thing, Ill have to come back.  

Sara and I are currently at some surfers house.  He saw us scamming free internet at the side of the road and let us use his internet..lol.  Im just trying to figure out my bus stuff and since Im using a strangers internet I should probably get going, no pictures yet!  Soon though!

Sharks, Snorkeling, Couch Surfing, and my favorite...THE BUS!

Right now I am one the bus heading towards Airlie Beach.  We stay one night there and then we leave sailing for two nights three days, so this will probably be my last blog for a little while.  This bit of my trip has been so beautiful!  One of my favorite parts was today.  Riding the bus!  I love the bus, and the scenery is nothing like I have ever seen before.  Everything is so green and lush, the weather is hot, just an all round great day for chillin out, self -reflecting, writing, reading. 

 

Yesterday we woke up and went snorkeling on the Great Barrier Reef.  I have never seen anything like it.  I loved every minute of it.  We had so much fun with the crew.  I loved all the sea creatures, except for the SHARKS!  Yes we saw sharks in the water, not huge ones but about a meter long.  Thankfully I was already in the boat, but other people said they saw even bigger ones.  It wasn’t as bright as I had imagined but I still felt like a mermaid…LOL! It was awesome.  The water was so clear and warm.  We swam with a huge fish named Wally, he always comes around when the boat stops in that location.  He is about two meters long.  I was able to swim with him for a while and pet him, which was really cool.  Again just amazed with the world and God’s beautiful creation.  I was a little bit of scared at times because of the deadly jelly fish and I didn’t want to wear a wet suit because it was 10 bucks, so I didn’t, but I never got bit, and I am alive and well to tell about my adventure.

 

Speaking of being alive and well, Sara and I were grateful for waking up this morning after our first experience couch surfing.  When we went to the meeting in Cairns we found a couple who invited us to stay our last night in Cairns, so we took them up on the offer.  They were so amazing, wicked people!  They lived in a huge house with a pool, in a beautiful community.  Their house was decked out in cute art and had a very Zen/ Australian vibe.  They picked us up and dropped us off, they cooked us a great meal and we had awesome conversation.  They were well traveled and educated people who simply just enjoyed meeting and conversing with other cultures, and in return they hope one day you will do the same for other travelers.  Loved it, loved every minute of it…and it was all free—no creepy strings attached! 

 

Unfortunately, Sara and I don’t have the pictures developed from our underwater camera and I have a feeling the pictures wont be able to do the Great Barrier Reef justice anyways.  I guess you’ll have to come and see it for yourself! 

 

UPDATE:  Just arrived at our hostel, we paid for the room and then we get there and its 5$ to get a pillow and blankets!  What a rip! So besides us sleeping in towels tonight not too much is new, arrived to Airlie Beach and now I am trying to download pics…its taking forever, so you better enjoy them!  Please keep me in your prayers as I go sailing, I’m a little nervous of being crammed on the ship, and of course sharks!  

 

UPDATE 2:  The first pic, is not of the house we stayed at, this is a house I found in the middle of main street in a town called Cordwell on our 10 hour bus trip from Cairns to Airlie beach.  Uh, I just paid 11$ to update my blog only for my computer to pick up free wireless at McDonalds.   Such is life, and I cant complain these days!  Its wonderful here…time for bed!  Night Night. 

Waterfall Wonders

I had to put these in a new post because the internet here is taking forever!  This should be in the post below.  These waterfalls were cold but they were calling our names, they gave me a great massage!  Also added pics to the post below so don't forget to check them out!

Rainforest Revelations

I hardly know how to put all my thoughts into words right now.  I have had a really amazing past two days since arriving in Cairns, and they have also been very challenging for me in regards to missing Kiya so much.  This blog is a rough one since I am so tired and trying to finish before my minutes run out.  Sorry guys!

 

We arrived here yesterday on no sleep because our landlord decided to pull some silly shenanigans on us last minute, but I slept a little on the plane.  When we got to our hostel they informed us they had overbooked the dorm, so the manager moved us to a private room for two nights at the same price!  This is a huge blessing to me because I have been really nervous about being unstable for the next month or so.  I used to be more open to uncertainness but since Kiya I have felt like I need to feel more grounded, because I never know when the emotions will pour out of me and I don’t want to by lying awake crying when there is six other people in my room.  Not that I lay around and cry every night before bed, but you never know and last night was a perfect example.

 

We laid out in the sun for hours, went swimming and then took a small nap.  When we got up we ate our free dinner, and anything free these days is bonus.  When we went back to our hostel to go to bed, I couldn’t sleep.  I tried to get Kiya out of my mind, but I just couldn’t, I stayed up with my little doll and thought of what Kiya would be like now.  I realized that when I was in Sydney and get these feeling I would go downstairs, turn on the T.V or check out what’s new on facebook, write or read.  But last night I didn’t really have any of those options.  Which is exactly what I have been fearing.  Every backpacker is young so hostels have “rules” you cant be in the common area past 11, so no internet, no T.V., no reading, no nothing.  I kept trying to fall asleep but I just couldn’t, I didn’t want to wake Sara up with my tears.  I just want to hear Kiya cry.  I just want to see her smile again and really it’s not fair, but it’s my life, and I am learning through it.  Maybe that’s why I decided to stay, maybe I need to learn better control and start dealing with my Kiya thoughts in different ways…maybe the T.V or facebook isn’t such a good option and maybe its so sad that without it I feel weak and alone in regards to not having an escape.

 

This morning we woke up and headed to the rainforest.  I was beautiful (typo but Im keeping it!).  We went to a huge waterfall and swam underneath it.  The waterfall was so majestic!  Only God could create something so huge, powerful and glorious!  Creation is so wonderful, and through travels I see that.  Then we went and ate lunch at a wicked lake and went tree jumping.  I was terrified but I did it, and loved it the whole way down! 

 

While diving in the water I learnt a great lesson.  One guy goes to dive in, but he gets scared, to go head first so he changes his mind mid-air and ends up belly flopping!  Sara yells “Man, you gotta commit!”  I had Goosebumps when I heard it.  It’s so true.  With everything in life—if you do something half-ass, you will fail miserably.  I personally think I am pretty good at committing to things and putting myself completely out there when it comes to something I want or need to do, but I know commitment is hard.  Whatever fear that young man had, damaged him and held him back, in regards to this metaphor.  I want to surround myself with committed people.  No more of this half-ass committed, half-ass want to get married, half-ass faithful, half-ass charming, no more!  Friendships, no more half-ass shoulder to cry on friends, no more half –ass real, no more half-ass priority people in my life!  People need to be committed, in anything they do, or it will fail miserably.  A lesson I have learned the hard way.  Commitment is key in the success of anything.  It is definitely imperative if not one of the main foundations of any intimate relationship.  I just want something real, something concrete, someone who doesn’t change with the season, no more of this non-sense belly flopping.   I’m going to walk this out, not just talk about it.  I’m going to do it right, or not at all when it comes to relationships, friendships, or the way I live my life. 

 

We had lunch and then went to check out other waterfalls.  Headed to the lodge to have tea and cookies then arrived back in Cairns just in time for a couch surfers meeting at the pub.  There were probably over 20 people in attendance and this was Cairns first couch surfing meeting ever.  It was awesome.  My sister first introduced me to couch surfing a year ago, but I never used it.  Sara and I ended up finding a girl who worked for a diving company to give us a huge discount on the Reef scuba trip we will be heading out on tomorrow and we are also looking into finding accommodations too.  We met some really wicked people from Germany, Canada, Spain, Sweden, Norway…all over the map! 

 

Now we are just getting ready for bed, early morning tomorrow and another great adventure! 

 

Love you all!  

Bye Sydney, you will be missed!

Not much has happened since my last blog but I thought I would send out some love before I left for my big adventure.  Tomorrow morning Sara and I head up to Cairns.  The past week has been amazing!  So much going on, this weekend we went to a Greek Festival.  And on Sunday we went to Hillsongs album recording.  It was a lot of fun and very uplifting to see so many people there to give praise.  The Hillsongs church is huge.  They have so many different churches that when they all got together for the album recording, every seat was taken in a building much like the Saddledome.  It was crazy!  We finally went for dinner at this tiny little Thai place by our house and it didn’t let us down.  The food was great! 

 

Now we are just waiting on our landlord to bring us back our security deposit so we can go to sleep, early flight to catch tomorrow. 

 

Mom, Dad, Christa, Jen, Tutu and Maveroni, I have been thinking of you all a lot these past few weeks.  Mav especially today I thought about you, as you got dedicated to Christ. 

 

And last but never ever, ever, ever, ever least, Kiya Jade Matson-Tekeste.  Today it has been three months since you flew up to Heaven.  Not a day goes by I don’t think about you.  I wonder what you would look like now?  You would still be tiny as ever and really only a month and a half old since your due date was in February.  But every time I picture you, I still think of my darling 3 pounds of love.  What are you up to right now my love?  Are you beyond rattles and Tummy time?  I hope not.

 

I have a doll that looks kinda-sorta-not-near-as-cute-as-you, and I sleep with her every night.  Every morning she is found on the floor or in the crack between the wall and the bed, and sometimes I laugh and sometimes I cry knowing if she were real, I wouldn’t let that happen to you.  I am getting a tattoo of your name, on my side right beside my heart, in Tigrinya.  I figure that part of me is dedicated to you anyways.  From the time I first few seconds I held you, your little fingers found were your mouth should be.  I imagine myself running around sometimes in that cute little place on Westbrook road, rushing to clean baby toys off the floor, supper (obviously burning) in the oven, and there you are, (still three pounds) riding my hip, your head nestled right in the spot I am going to get my tattoo. 

 

I am trying to make this blog short and sweet.  I have anew roommate and he is downstairs so I can’t exactly cry and get emotional right now.  Deep Breath.  I could go on forever. 

 

Miss you all, love you all and P.S. If you don’t like the idea of me getting a tattoo...talk amongst yourselves about it ;)  

The Dance of Life

What an event filled day!  Such a good time, my last week in Sydney is turning out action packed and fun filled.  It started with Breakfast in bed, because Sara is awesome like that.  She woke up and cooked a feast, eggs, French toast, sliced up some fruit and topped it off with Tea…that’s what I opened my eyes to.  Thank God for friends like her! 

 

Then we got ready and headed to the market, where I found a wicked sale on my favorite sunglasses, so I bought three pair and it cost me $4.50, no not for each, for all three!!!  Well that deal alone is enough to make my day but it just kept getting better.  Our place is in such a wicked location, only a block away they filmed the MTV awards.  I never thought I would swoop this low but I waited for an hour to see who would walk the red carpet…and as always somehow managed to squeeze my way to the front of the line.  I got great shots, unfortunately they were of Australian celebrity’s nobody knows.  I got a picture of Audrina from the hills from behind because I didn’t know who it was until she turned around and by then I had already put my camera away!  Maybe I will see her tomorrow, don’t doubt it people—its possible! lol.  I did however see Vanilla Ice and I don’t care if he’s old, hes pretty much a legend for being extremely lame and to me that’s cool!  He walked right up to me and I stuck my camera in his face and took a picture.  Opps!  Some of the other pictures I got were of The Fray—and they sing one of my favorite songs on the radio these day “You Found Me.”  The Killers, Sia—again, and then a bunch of famous people I didn’t know.  The MTV VJ Ruby Rose is apparently a big deal here, we were just watching her on a comedy show yesterday and supposedly she is a lesbian, so Sara and I kinda had a laugh because she kept looking my way and posing, winking and smiling.  She’s a beautiful girl but it was a little awkward…lol.  So I really wanted to wait for Pete Wentz and Audrina to do the red carpet thing but I already saw Audrina, and I’ll see her tomorrow;)  But my show was a half hour away from starting at the Sydney Theater so I had to jet.

           

I headed home quickly threw on an outfit, waived down a cab and off I went.  I got to the theater as the bells rang and the doors were closing, I made it just in time to see a performance of a life- time!  I thought a lot about Kiya because I went to this performance alone.  I remember being in Washington, some of the hardest days of my life, when the only two people who knew were Kaleb and I, and we lived far away from each other.  But those were the days I really made a bond with Kiya, when I felt alone but she was with me everywhere I went, I couldn’t escape her…to be honest…I couldn’t escape her even in times I wanted to.  So we would go together, she was just a few gestational weeks and we would go to theater, dance, museums, we saw so much together, just like tonight, I could almost feel her rolling around my belly as I sat alone. 

 

The Artistic Director of Sydney Dance Company explained “I wanted to create a piece about our needs and desires to slowly unfold, revealing ourselves to those around us…I encouraged them to listen and respond to one another, challenging their willingness to unfold or their reluctance to open up to each other.  It was in the subsequent openness that I found the way forward I needed with this piece.  Different connections and relationships blossomed between the dancers and this triggered the creative response within me.  “We Unfold” is collective discovery, a self-examination of our cores.” 

 

When I am traveling, or maybe it’s because of my circumstances recently, nothing is what it seems, everything is deeper, everything has meaning.  Sitting in a cold theater my blood boiled, my feet tapped in anxiousness, my eyes teared from both joy and sorrow as I watched the dancers move.  As true as the title itself, it was as if they were dancing my story and unfolding my life in front of my eyes.  I couldn’t help but feel this hour -long performance was dragging on forever, not because it was dull, but because it was life.  Every intrinsic movement was beautiful, yet it cut like a knife, and I couldn’t see the happy ending.  Maybe that’s the point, maybe there was no happy ending, or maybe I missed it?  Maybe that’s the point.  Maybe I find myself looking towards this “happy ending” when all around me is beautiful.  For one of the first times I starred in amazement as I watched how physically defying their bodies moved.  How much stretching went into every bend, how much strength for every lift?  Behind this masterpiece was commitment and devotion, a never- ending attempt to get every motion on beat with the music, or lack thereof.  How similar is the journey of life?  I’m always trying to get it right, my past i.e. my practice, my sorrows i.e my strength, my foundations i.e. my family, GOD, friends help me to glide forward in an attempt to keep up with the music…or lack thereof.   My Grandma Matson recently bought me the book “Where is God When it Hurts? By Phiip Yancey were I found this great quote by Chesterton “The modern philosopher had told me again and again that I was in the right place, and I still felt depressed even in my acquiescence.  But I had heard that I was in the wrong place, and my soul sang for joy, like a bird in the spring.”  I want to follow that quote with a message I received in my inbox from a woman who has been inspired by the life of Kiya and my journey through loss.  It reads:

 

 “As I look thru your pics of your travels, part of me envies your freedom...but before I read your blog I worried (maybe self-righteously?) that you were running from yourself to forget yourself. And, truthfully, that reaction or reason may have been easier to nod and "ahhh!" at because it would make us all feel less connected to your pain. But, your eyes in your pics are bright and unashamed - your words are honest and pure about your journey in seeking to find a means to fixing the hole in your suitcase...and for that my dear I applaud you.”

 

I find myself happy, yes angry at times, maybe even vengeful, pissed off, rebellious, unafraid…but I am happy.  I long for the grace the dancers I saw tonight have attained, and I know through Jesus I have it.  But my persistence to find myself through this chaos has made me fulfilled in a different sense.  I am seeing the world, and I have held my world.  My friend spoke honesty to me through her words, which I will forever be grateful for.  I feel like I am living God’s plans for my life, I am seeking him diligently and I am finding my way.  I am not here lost and weak, I have lost a child, I am soft and hard as nails all at the same time.  I am in preparation for something great…and that something great, wont be my next relationship, or career path, it wont be measured by dollars or kisses, it will be great within me, it will be happiness and security in myself and my ever growing relationship with God, who also lost his son so I can have a second chance at this dance called life.   

 

Okay It aint easy bein’ Cheesy Yall’

 

Stay Tuned.  

Sia and Other Lessons

Today is one of those days where I don’t know where to start the blog.  It was a very educational day.  It started out a little rough, we slept in big time, then woke up, sat out in the sun and planned more of our trip.  Then we got ready for our big night out to see Sia. 

 

Sia was an amazing concert.  I have to say it meant so much to me.  I love Sia’s music and during my pregnancy I had “Breathe me” on repeat.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6PGrub3jUc

 

I find her lyrics to be comforting and easily interpreted.  Almost all of her songs can relate to my life depending on my perspective.  But most chilling is one particular song, the song I find most solace in now and hearing it live just reminded me I am fighting the good fight.  It's called "The Girl you Lost to Cocaine"  This is a video we took at the concert tonight.

 

All of her music is quality, so look her up, buy her album.  I cant say enough great things about the concert.  We were there early and we literally where against the bar, center stage so as close as you can get.  Just all around good show and worth every penny.

 

Next up, we head over to a hostel bar to see some of our friends from England and low and behold as we walk into the club there is a wet T-shirt competition going on.  I go and buy myself a drink and then head over to see what all the fuss was about.  I think I was just emotional from such an amazing and touching concert but I was sick to my stomach.  I am tired of the world starring at tits.  It’s pathetic and sad.  Guys who are actually trying to pick you up while simultaneously starring at four chicks completely exposed.  All I could do was thank God for Bible College.  Honestly I don’t know where I was headed before then and I never will really know but I just had to thank him for diverting my completely messed up path to a path which has taught me about self respect and discovery, which I am still learning, especially these days.  I’m not trying to pass judgment on these people at all, the onlookers (which I guess is myself included) or the topless travelers, but I sincerely felt terrible for the whole entire place.  One by one the ladies got eliminated HOW EMBARRASSING!!!!  “Sorry girl on the far left, please step down.”  My heart broke, not only did she take off her top for nothing, but now she had to humbly crawl down a stage and face the crowd which just denied her.  But the worst was when there was only two girls left and the winner was chosen, the announcer says to the girl who didn’t win “And don’t worry you wont go home empty handed”  Empty handed?  Tomorrow your boobs will be all over porntube.com but you wont be going home empty handed…you have just willingly gave one of your most sacred possessions to a bunch of undeserving men…you will wake up tomorrow thinking “WTF WAS I THINKING!” but you wont go home empty handed.  And you want to know what the losers got?  A free jug of beer.  Sad.  I thought I would stick around and hang out with the girls a little longer but Sydney can be a bit of a meat market in general and then top that off with the whole bar of men just watching girls dance around topless, it was just a horrible situation of guys completely drunk walking around trying to get action so I told the girls I was heading home and off I went.

 

I made it to the bus stop and then I was approached by a women shaking and could barley speak.  She asked me some random questions but I couldn’t really understand her.  I knew she was asking for money but I told her I didn’t have any.  Then all the sudden I hear tires screeching and a smash, there was a car accident about a block away and both the lady and I run over to see what happened.  It seemed to be just a small rear- ender but for whatever reason the car accident made me think four dollars was insignificant in the big scheme of things.  Then the lady who told me it was for the bus said she was going to go buy food, so I offered to take her to get something to eat.  We went to Hungary Jacks and I bought her a burger, we sat down and she started scarfing the burger down.  I have never seen anything like it.  Watching her was horrible.  As we stood in line she pulled out a bottle of pills poured some into her hand and took them, then proceeded to tell me she was diagnosed with Parkinsons disease 17 years ago.  Im not sure if people with Parkinsons disease take handfuls of muti-colored pills but I had an epiphany, If she was telling the truth, she was hurting and if she was lying, she was hurting.  In fact maybe if she was lying, she was hurting more, therefore if she was lying she requires even more of our love.  I know I have been in a position where I have been hiding extremely painful realities and I remember those lies hurt more than what I am experiencing now since I have been honest with myself and others about what I was going through.  I mean she had nothing to loose, I had already bought her something to eat and dedicated her my time, I had already given her four dollars for the bus, she wasn’t lying to me, she was lying to herself, if in fact she was even lying at all.  We had a good conversation about life and God, she said she is going to have an operation next month so if you get the chance send a prayer to God for Antoinette.   When she was done her burger I left to find my way home and for the first time I thanked God for my pain.  I thanked God I could feel these emotions, I thanked God I had a good head on my shoulders, I thanked God I wasn’t up on that stage tonight dancing naked, I thanked God I had money for the bus and I thanked God I choose to walk instead because walking for me is an option which some people don’t have.  Today was an all around blessing. 

 

I miss Kiya beyond words these days.  I saw a little girl at the beach the other day at looked just like Kiya only about 5 years older.  She was so precious.  I just laid in the sand and cried, as I watched her mother pull back her little black curls off her face.  Kiya had so much hair, had she stayed in the womb by the time she was full term she would have had enough for a ponytail for goodness sakes.  Some days I think about her hair for hours and how I wish I could just touch it one more time, just once. 

 

Off to bed, another adventure tomorrow. 

The Truth About Tony

This is my last week here in Sydney.  I am going to miss it so much!  I love this place, for the first time in my travels I have finally found a place I could call home…for a while.  Sara and I have met a few friends, I feel comfortable in my place, the weather is perfect, and the list goes on and on.  I have been starting to get a little home sick but I can handle it, the sun helps. 

 

Since my last update not much has happened.  We have been to the beach a few time and if you are on facebook you may have noticed my picture with Tony Hawk, that was pretty much the highlight of my week.  By the way I didn’t actually hang out with Tony Hawk on the beach.  It’s kind of a funny story, my mental process that day.

 

Sara and I where laying out on the beach and as always listening to the conversations around us.  Sara and I have deep conversations all the time about life and God.  On this day we were laughing about a conversation going on beside us where one girl says to another “She looks like a Hush puppy, like she is about to burst into tears every second, I know she cant help it, I love her, it’s just her face structure.”  So sad.  These two girls just laid in the sun and verbally bashed the junk out of one of their friends.  In my head I was judging them…don’t they have anything better to talk about?  Then behind us two guys were talking, exchanging stories of their travels and encounters with women, where the best place to party is, just basic surface stuff but of course their mouths quit moving every time a new girl would sun bathe topless.  I just laughed in my head thinking I was beyond them but how quickly God puts us in our place! 

 

By this time we had enough sun so we took a walk to the skate park to check out what was going on.  We were watching these guys and some really small kids skateboard and they were all amazing.  Then all the sudden kids started coming up to these guys asking for autographs and we were like “Who are these guys?”  Then all the sudden Sara spots Tony Hawk.  We both got so excited.  We walked over there and as calmly as I could asked to get my picture taken with him.  He was super nice and posed for both Sara and I, that was pretty much the extent of our run it. 

 

But I guess I got on the bus and couldn’t help but wonder why I was so excited.  First of all, I don’t skateboard, never have and secondly I didn’t even know who all the other pros were.  I know one skateboarder by name and that is Tony Hawk.  But I’m guessing I was probably just excited because he was a celebrity, and I don’t really think there is anything wrong with that except the fact that I laid in the sun all day and thought all the surface conversations around me were pathetic.  I guess It taught me to take a closer look in the mirror, we all have our moments, friends, relationships which allow us to dig deeper but there are times when we all have surface moments.  The wood is being plucked from my eye so to speak. 

 

Last night we went out dancing it was lots of fun, and today we had Jordyn and Naomi over for dinner.  Besides that nothing exceptionally exciting just beach, beach, sun, beach.  This week is going to be a lot of fun.  We are going to the Sia Concert on Wednesday, then Friday I am going to see “we unfold” a performance put on by Sydney Dance Company, Saturday we heading to a culture festival, Sunday we are going to the Hillsongs C.D. recording, Monday we are packing up and Tuesday we are heading out of town.  So here is the quick run down of our travel plans.  We are heading up to Cairns, staying there for a few days, doing the rainforest and the Great Barrier Reef.  Then we are going to Whitsunday Islands on a two night 3 day adventure on a Catamaran.  From there we are going to Fraser Island on a two night 3 day camping trip where they basically drop you off on an island and come back three days later to pick you up, during the three days you have  a 4x4 and 8 other people and you just hang out, cook and sightsee.  Then we are heading to Noosa and this is were it gets a little sketchy, we are going on a 2 night 3 day canoeing trip.  Personally I hate canoeing and its in a river so there is alligators apparently but it should be fun…I hope.  Then we are heading to Surfers Paradise and then Nimbin!  I am so excited for Nimbin, its just a bunch of hippies.  Then Byron Bay, then back to Sydney then home!  So you must stay tuned to read about all my adventures!

 

{Kiya}

 

Tiffany Jade     

Staying in Paradise