Hole in my Suitcase

Belize 2012

2012-01-11T18:02:00.000-08:00

I have tomake this quick. Diandra and I are at aninternet cafe after just enjoying a fabulous quesadilla. We are trying to figure out our plans for thenext few days before Nicaragua. Belizeis lush, beautiful and welcoming. Itfeels like we have been here a week, this town (San Ignacio) just makes you feelcomfortable right off the start. We arestaying in a cheap hostel but it’s decent and we have our own room. The owners and other travellers have beenfriendly and helpful. The streets arebright, colourful and a little worn down, okay depending on where you havetravelled they are a lot worn down, but it adds culture, presence and beauty inmy opinion.

I don’t reallythink I am going to go too far in depth on these activities and there’s nopictures, but my actual journal is looking so weak. I have to just put this out there so I canhave some visuals to work off when I get the chance so I might as well share.

Yesterdaywe headed to the Mayan Ruins (Cahal Pech) which also included a palace in whichroyalty used to live. It dates back toabout 1200BC. I was amazed at the lackof security at the site and the ability to walk around, climb and explore the ruinson your our terms. I have gone intoheritage homes in New Westminster British Columbia that had more rules andregulations as to what you can touch and what you can’t, yet here its solax.

In theafternoon yesterday we went to Cornerstone, a lunch program for less fortunate kidsin school. It was such a unique experience. Jen and I pulled out good old “Gorilla beatsthe man” dance we learnt as kids at Moose Lake, which is basically a way moreexciting game of rock, paper, and scissors. The kids LOVED it and we had them dancing and singing all lunch hour, weactually had them laughing and singing so loud that by the time we left therewas a few adults lingering in the doorway just to watch all the action. Even though this isn’t a mission trip thereis nothing more fulfilling to me than making kids smile and learning howunique, yet how similar they can all be no matter where in the world they arefrom.

Then today,SO CRAZY, we went swimming in a Cave called Actun Tunichil Muknal. It was intense. I can not believe I saw what I saw. The cave was literally stunning, so beautifuland MASSIVE, the whole thing is about 5 miles longs but people are only aloudto go 1/3 of the way in. It was about a5 hour long day after hiking to the cave, swimming to the ruins located withinthe cave and then repeating on the way back. I can’t believe some of the nooks I had to crawl through to get to theruins, it wasn’t exactly easy. Then to arriveat the ruins and see massive pottery still there from over a thousand yearsago. How did they get it there? Mayans are crazy people. I seriously want to research more of their lifestyle. I feel so blessed to be able to check outsuch a massive cave that the Mayans worshiped in because their calendar isrunning out December 23^rd of 2012. I even saw skeletal remains of humans STILL THERE, the only thing thatstopped me from actually walking on them was tape on the ground, no fences or anything. It would not be like that in Canada. Look it up online its seriously mindblowing. The Mayans used to sacrifice PEOPLE in thecave, of the 15 remains found in Actun Tunichil Muknal, 7 of them werebabies. Tear. Why? Just as interesting as seeing the false alters and sacrifices; washearing the theories behind their religious beliefs, and yes, in the cave asblack as night hearing the Mayan religious practices totally creeped me out attimes. Regardless it was evident as I lookedaround that God is so real and so creative! The Cave is so divinely made and I feel blessed to have seen that hiddentreasure in a corner of the world I have never before explored. Cant wait to see more.

So muchlove.

Welcome 2012!

2012-01-02T01:07:00.000-08:00

Well, Its 2012! I’m so excited for this new year as I am sure it will bring plentyblessings! 2011 was definitely agrowing year in my life and I don’t think I really realized that untilyesterday.

I spend most of New Years Eve with my mom and some family andfriends and then I headed to a house party to spend time with some friends forthe countdown. I was driving so Istayed 100% sober on NYE. Yesterday was the first day I slept at my new apartment alone. As I drove ‘home’ from the party ittook everything in me to not take a left at my moms house. In fact I would be lying if I said Ished a tear, I bawled like a little baby on the way to my new house.

But before you judge me, you have to understand, how lifehas unfolded for us since my dad passed away. At 19 I moved from home and lived on my own while I went tocollege, I have travelled to many parts of the world including living alone inrural Zambia for almost a month. I’m not a stranger to independence.

When my dad died I remember crawling into bed with my mom,we all cried ourselves to sleep for many nights. I have spent the last 15 months eating, crying, laughing andyes even sometimes sleeping with my mom and sister. My mom and I are truly dear friends. I love her so much, I love you mom.

Tear.

When my mom would go away to Arizona or to visit Jenelle inEston, I would hate staying alone at the house. I hated the strange creeks and noises and was oftenterrified. It was like I hadcompletely lost my independence and needed to be with somebody 24/7. The last few months though I havecraved my time alone. Escapinginto the chaos of my bedroom and just basking in privacy.

My fathers passing came at a very difficult transition in mylife, I was living in Vancouver and was about to start a job when my life wassuddenly transported back to Calgary. I knew I made the right decision to be here, and God has His way ofmaking that clear.

Back to crying in my car on NYE, just before that left-handturn to my moms house I had this feeling come over me like I knew my dadbelieved in me and that it was time for me to start to make a life of myown. So with confidence I keptdriving. I know he would be proudof me for all the trails I overcame during the past 15 months, especially withrenovation setbacks. As sad as itwas I just knew it was time, and it felt right to be going to my own littlehome.

Mom, I know this is going to be tough on you. I’m sorry. More than anything I know dad would be extremely proud ofyou for all you have overcome. Youare the strongest woman I know with such an amazing heart. It breaks me to know you are hurting tosee me go, but I am glad you are ready. 2011 was really a year of healing for this family and moving forward thebest way we know how. I’m gladthat I was able to be a part of your grief and that you were able to comfort mein mine. I know as difficult asthis transition is on me- you are hurting even worse. I know this isn’t much, but I will say it anyways, you arenot alone in spirit. Thankyou so much for everything you have done for me in the past 15 months, for allthe sandwiches you made on my command, dinners you cooked, laundry youfolded-I’m going to miss that! Forall the laughs we shared and tears we have cried together- It’s not theend. I love you, I love you, Ilove you.

So for the record- last night I slept like a baby in my newapartment. No fear, no anxiety,just a long overdue restful sleep in my own space. I couldn’t be more delighted than to ring in the New Year ina place of my own, that I OWN! I’mso excited to start this journey. Onto a new chapter in 2012!

2011 wasn’t all that bad either, all in all I had a lot oftime to relax, but this year is a year of getting things done- but before allthat begins I am taking a trip with one of my best friends Diandra to Belize, Nicaragua and Costa Rica! Leaving on Jan 9^th so pumpedto see a piece of the world with her, it’s a perfect way to start off the NewYear!

Tons of Love and many Blessings to you in the New Year!

Tiffany

Me crawling into bed on my first night alone. More pictures to come!

NICU 2012

2011-12-23T01:33:00.000-08:00

When I walked in he was sitting in at the front doing paper work and his eyes met mine.
I had forgotten his name, and it was obvious he was trying to place me all together.
Like he knew who I was was but was trying to remember, he held a stare.

You called my daughters death time...don’t you remember?

Dont you recall when I gave her up before I was ready to let go?

When I placed her in that nurses arms????

I should have spent just 5 more minutes, maybe 10 or maybe an hour, maybe more.

But I will never forget when you came in and said “she still has a heartbeat"

The Weeknd

2011-12-21T20:51:00.000-08:00

And it’s here, I am so lame that I have actually been looking everyday to see if this was released.
It’s downloading now. Echos of Silence.

Excellent way to end a mediocre day.

aabadoo padoo badobada dabba

2011-12-11T14:05:00.001-08:00

HAHAHAHA....
He comes in on the beat and his hands....
So cute.

Visual DNA test

2011-12-07T22:14:00.001-08:00

I saw this linked from my cousins facebook and tried it out; its very neat. Give it a try here: Visual DNA test

My Results:

SPIRIT: You're a Seeker. You have a bright spirit and warm energy. Chatty and friendly, you feel most relaxed when you're hanging out with your best friends. A sensitive soul with an expressive nature, you tend to be quite a romantic at heart. Sometimes you love nothing more than escaping into your very own dreamworld. Spontaneous new experiences can be really inspiring to you and you like exploring your creative side from time to time. Right now, life probably seems quite stressful. You feel like you never get any time for yourself. A healthy relationship really is the bedrock of a happy home, but it also takes a lot of energy and commitment to maintain. Make sure that with all the other distractions, your love life doesn't end up at the bottom of the list. It's important to remember to tap into your inner strength and to believe in yourself. Take on new challenges and stay stimulated so you remain enthusiastic and inspired by life. As a Seeker, you get excited by new ideas. You like adventure and original experiences that stimulate and challenge your status quo.

Am I sensitive? I don’t know if I would agree with that. I’m not offended easily but I can cry during commercials. I live in a dreamworld, that sums up my life. Always in own thoughts. TOTALLY a time to time creative person. All in all, I concur.

RELATIONSHIP:

You're quite traditional at heart. You love to feel loved and enjoy the warm glow you get when you know that someone special is thinking of you. As a Rock Steady, you want a love that feels secure. You tend to be realistic about what makes a lifelong relationship work and understand the value of forging a love based on friendship and respect. You are ready to meet a partner who would like to build a life together and who is ready to show you some signs of devotion. You believe that a true partnership is about sharing responsibility and being able to count on one another through whatever life throws at you. Creating this kind of honesty and support means your love will steadily grow as the years go by.

I am a Rocky Steady? Dear irony, PAUSE. I am realistic about a lifelong relationship which is why I am single. Haha. This is spot on. Tiffany to a “T"

RELATIONSHIP TIPS:

So you're a Rock Steady but what tips can we give for when you're looking for love?
Leave your checklists at home. Your preconceptions about what you want from a relationship may mean you miss a surprise gem that's right in front of your nose.
Be honest and upfront about what you want and need from a new relationship rather than trying to live up to unrealistic expectations whether they're set by yourself or other people.
Let your hair down. We know stability's your thing but why not try a fresh approach? Lighten up and be open to new experiences.
Open your heart. Don't overthink things. The strongest connections are founded on spiritual intimacy.

But I don’t want anyone I already know...

“let your hair down” Are they calling me ‘square’ the nice way?

Overall I agree, throwing in the spiritual intimacy part was a good touch. Since I have become more aware of who I am in the past few years I have realized how important it is to see eye to eye and relate to each other on a spiritual level.

Theres more, travel (which obviously says I love) Health- they couldnt be more off saying I love to work out to the extend I would jog home from the grocery store if I had the chance??? Money- It hardly said anything about it and just said that I am happiest in a happy home with healthy and happy family and thats all that matters to me, spot on yet again.

Fun little online test. I give it the stamp of approval.

And no, I am not going to touch on Kiya’s third birthday right now, maybe never. I am in that Creativity off phase right now, for a while...

Feist

2011-11-22T00:19:00.001-08:00

I swear I havent quit crying to her music since the day I heard it, it started in 05’ 06-ish with Inside and Out. But I cried when I heard it live in Central Park in New York city on Canada day, that was back in 06, I sang along to every song before anyone even knew the talent. Next up I saw Feist in 2008 at the Saddledome in Calgary. Pregnant, I cried to Mushaboom.

Tonight, November 21, 2011- to I’m Sorry. Maybe harder than ever.

Apparently I am a cry baby when It comes to Feist.

Do you just LOVE my style back in 06’? HAHA. This was in Central Park with Feist. Can hardly believe I was only 20 in this picture and this was 6-5 years ago...I still feel 20, where is time going?

Three times I have seen this beauty in concert and not once have I been let down.

Because we are Loved

2011-11-20T12:46:00.001-08:00

We love because
We are LOVED

This makes me believe in God all over again in a new way, this is Heaven on Earth.

privilege and pain when compared look the same

2011-11-18T15:45:00.001-08:00

(Written Friday...yeah know the day when everyone else is at work)

I just got back from watching a matinee of Breaking Dawn, by myself, in my pyjamas. Does that count as depression? Haha, I’m not to sure. I do sort of love the Twilight movies. I slept in today so I had Root Beer and Popcorn for Breakfast, pathetic. Oh today. The older I get, the less I care about what people think of me. Leave me be, unshowered looking a hot mess with my root beer and popcorn. Im single, unemployed and just here for the love story, I will look back and laugh one day right? RIGHT?!?!

All joking aside it was a good day, good movie and I am heading out tonight to plan my trip to Belize with Diandra! Bright and early tomorrow reno’s proceed. I have so much blogging and editing to catch up too. Lots to get accomplished. Todays p.j. induced day lead me to a plethora of amazing music that should keep me entertained as I finish said tasks.

Heres a little of what I listening to today:

Who are these “Sleeping at Last” folks? And HOW have I never heard this music before, I am in awe in these lyrics. All of them. Im just going to write out a few bits and pieces so I can remember.

Unmade-

When we were young
Our words were innocent
Whiter than snow,
Awkward and slow.
Now when we speak,
We risk an avalanche.
But that's not enough now
To reroute our plans.

The aftermath
Is cracked wood where fences stood
And the broken bones of our childhood.

In our trembling fear,
We put words inside God's mouth.
We cover our tracks
And get so proud of ourselves,
We get so proud of ourselves,
We get so proud of ourselves
When we get away.

I believe that we've got it wrong, got it wrong.
We'll realize when it's said and done, said and done,
That in our words we've lost so much more
Than we've ever won.

It's in our nature to complicate,
But in the end it's the casualties
That carry all the weight.

Porcelain-

The door broke when you slammed it shut,
And the cracks kept reaching long after you left.
Through the floorboards, branching towards the hall,
Like vines that never rest...
Climbing like fire through the walls.
A single spark that claims the whole forest -
I know, I know...it's all for the best.
But honestly, I would rather be
Safe from a distance than here...

When I fell to me knees
To sew the damage shut,
I couldn't believe...
A bright, staggering light
Came flooding into me
From out of the seams.

So I reached deeper in
And pulled my whole world wide open,
And for each broken mile, a billion
Miracles happen at once
In everything...in everything.

But I'm safe from a distance, right here.

Everything I love
Was made of porcelain,
Ready to break.
But the bright, staggering light,
It anxiously waits inside.
Like nesting dolls, the secret hides.
And like every birth,
It was a necessary pain...
I know, I know...
It's all worth the wait,
Worth the weight.

Slow and Steady-

You carved our initials
Into these family trees.
But when the branches are bare and broken,
Love is so hard to reach.

We've learned to brace for the worst
And to read the last pages first,
Surrender feels safe.

Maybe the soul is the soil that holds the fallen seed,
Or the light pouring down in between the rain clouds,
Daring life to reach;
Or maybe it's the rings in the trunk of the tree,
A birthmark time will leave
To measure the past.

But we can't dream when we're wide awake
Or fall in love with a heart too strong to break.

Faith is expensive to taste,
And time is borrowed loose change
That's already been spent.

Maybe the soul is the tone of voice
That unearthed the words that we needed...

Maybe the soul is a suitcase that holds the backup plan -
A collection of keys and the patience we need
To start again.
Maybe it's the thresholds that swallow us whole
As we learn to let go,
In spite of the dirt on our clothes

Watermark-

You were carved out of the sea
Watermarked by your ancestry
In a tug of war between the tide and me
What felt like loss was a victory
Cause you were swept ashore like bottles holding prayers

You were carved out of the earth
Safe and sound in your second birth
Gravity has tied your ankle to the shore
As a lighthouse tamed the endless ocean war

Against the calming light our silhouettes are changing shape
The stories you've been told have made you brave

Such inheritance was formed within the sand
Like the shells you gather in the safety of your hands
Dive in with your eyes closed
For the life you were born to claim
And the water will be paralyzed
By the courage you contain
And the flutter of your earnest heart
It will fill the silent seas
And all will be restored in your memory

Birthright- Just bold this whole song haha

She was raised by wolves
in the warmth of their fur
surrounded by fangs
She knew she was secure

Language barriers
made no difference at all
when your truly cared for
theres no purpose for walls

His fences stood tall
as the shoulders of old
But he dreamt that one day
maybe he’d break the mold

Time shyly stands still
when you watch it unfold
from these ivory towers
freedoms only ghost

Right or wrong
tension makes us stronger
by making us weak
when we needed to be

privilege and pain
when compared look the same
comprehension begins
when we pull back the lens

They made her their queen
on the day she was born
placed on her a crown
she wasn't ready for
all impossible odds
foreshadow our means
like paving a road
to kingdoms we've never seen

He woke up one day
written out of the will
they swore he’d be okay
with lesser shoes to fill

but what doesn't kill us
makes us stronger they say
our only birthright in this life
is the breath that we take

Sturgis North And Summer

2011-11-09T21:11:00.000-08:00

This Summer Strugis North Bike Rally was held in Salmon Armand one day I went to check it out for a few hours. I am so in love with just taking my camera on a littleadventure with no pressure to obtain the “perfect shot” for somebody else. Instead I just get to find the beautyin the day and find the “perfect shot” for myself. This is why I do photography.

Who would have thought that social butterfly (being extremely easy on myself) from highschool would find herself rather being alone with a camera on a Saturday then surrounded by friends. Luckily I have been pulling myself out of the funk lately and spending lots of time with friends and trying to maintain some sort of community again since after my dad passed. But I will ALWAYS love my ALONE time. Enjoy my take on the Summer.

The kid with the mullet sitting on the sidewalk is one of my favourite pictures of all time. He is so rad.

Oh and also I should mention the pic of me was taken by my cousin Sam, talented photographer in the making.

2011-11-06T20:43:00.000-08:00

Dates normally aren’t too pivotal for me. Today for whatever reason I could’t stop thinking about the fact that Kiya would be THREE years old one month from today. THREE!

It’s so sad, but I can’t even imagine, I wish I could.

What would it be like to have a three year old baby girl?

I bet it would be so awesome.

Miss you today Kiya Jade.

Ten Thoughts Consistently Going Through My Mind...

2011-11-03T18:27:00.000-07:00

...After a Waterfall Stole My iPhone:

1.     How am I supposed to find my way from the light switch to the bed without a little glimmer of light?
2.     All of my clients phone numbers are gone. Not Cool.
3.     WHAT TIME IS IT? ALWAYS
4.     I should take a picture of that cute little thingy….never mind
5.     Waiting alone is awkward when you can’t pretend to text a friend
6.     I want to listen to my music
7.     Look at that girl just playing around with her iPhone like she is so cool.
8.     Where am I? SO LOST. Need Google maps, can’t even call somebody for directions
9.     I wonder who’s texting, calling, facebooking, what’s apping me
10.   Hear a iPhone ring, reach in purse, oh yeah—I don’t have one.

Ahh iPhone 4s. You are so beautiful to me. No longer iPhoneless. Found a new friend in Siri. “Yes!" to staying connected, yet learning a valuable lesson about disconnecting- I am deleting my facebook account for a few weeks. But I have this now, so call or text and lets go for Coffee if you are in Calgary. I have been gone so much between Hawaii and Arizona and hecticness; I seriously miss some of you guys.

The introduction between Siri and I:

Im happy.

Ahh iPhone 4s. You are so beautiful to me.

Welcome to the Comedy Show

2011-10-29T23:13:00.000-07:00

(Written Thursday night)

This Thursday is a total write off. It is actually hilarious. Is this real life?

So this morning I was so excited, I decided I was going to head out to Sedona and hang out for a bit, just get some me time. More specifically I actually wanted some me and God time. I have heard so many positive things about Sedona and after further research I had a few places picked out that I really wanted to visit, but mostly I just wanted to drive through the desert, and have a calm chill day.

As I started on the three hour drive, everything was awesome, the music was pumping. But about an hour away from Sedona the engine light came on and I felt like the car was vibrating a bit. I decided to keep going since I was in the middle of the desert anyways and there really wasn’t an ideal place to break down. I made it there and all seemed to be better with the car. I headed to get some maps of the places I was going because I didn’t want my phone to be on data roaming- too expensive, off I went on my carefree way to explore Sedona and take pictures. I drove around the town for about an hour to just take it all in. The beautiful red rock, the cute little shops, all the restaurants ‘o where o where should I eat tonight?’ I thought to myself as I drove through endless little cafe’s.

My first legit stop was just off the side of the road, I saw this beautiful view of the mountains and the river. I parked and walked down to this really neat road. Water flowed over top of it and yet you could still drive on the road. I grabbed my camera and off I went in my little brown boots to capture its beauty. I took a few photos and then I decided to take one with me in the frame so I set my self timer. My camera starts to beep and I have ten seconds to run from where my camera was places to hop over the water hop on the rock and pose myself like a pro. As I leap over the water I hear this BANG look down my beautiful iphone is on the rock “Nooooooooo!” I scream, but nobody is around and the slow motion movie started of my beloved iphone slowly falling into the waterfall.

My first thought was “F...”

My second thought was “Well I guess I am returning that cute Michael Kors jacket I bought” (update: jacket has been returned, go me!)

And then I will admit as I sat alone on this rock without my phone I shed a little tear. Haha. Yes I get that I am a spoiled brat, but I had so many pictures, and most importantly all my ammunition for ex boyfriends on that phone. Just kidding. But seriously, I came out here to just have a day to chill, read the bible, journal and bask in the sun and then this happens?

I was just talking the other day to Jordan and Sammy about how every time I actually desire to grow closer to God it seems like everything my life goes haywire. Today couldn’t have been a better example. See the thing is my iphone was still under warranty and the good folks over at mac are pretty decent about replacing stuff and Im pretty decent about saying “Yeah, I don’t know what happened, one day it just didn’t turn on.” Haha, so there i stood, trying to find my iphone in a waterfall, what a ridiculous concept. I started jumping from rock to rock hoping it would mysteriously appear, risking my life pretty much to find an iphone and then I got real “ you are not going to find the phone and if you die looking for an iphone that has got to be the worst most vain way to go.” With that mental note, after about an hour and half of contemplation I sunk back into my car and headed on the road again. iPhoneless.

I could see the sun was already starting to set and now I have to drive back in the dark through the desert with no phone. It was best for me to just fill up and leave, so I did. I got so lost it was beyond dumb. It was seriously like God was playing a joke on me. My engine light is on and I am terrified I am going to end up dead on the side of the highway somehow or another haha. But the whole time I can honestly say I was in good spirits. I just cruised along with my music, dancing in my car like nobodies business.

I didn’t need help getting directions until I was in the Chandler/?/Phoenix area. I stopped 5 times and every time it was just the strangest of strange interactions with human beings. Don’t get me wrong, nice people but just weird personalities all over the place. I ended up in a town called Ahwatukee. Is this real life? Then, forgive my whatevertheheckyouwannacallit; I ended up in the ghetto and I pull up to the Sev or whatever that was in my dads SL 500 Benz with the windows down blaring “California Love” Like duh Tiff...this isn’t Calgary. Shady people outside= going to get a cap in my ass or something else= reverse car, continue going deeper into the ghetto. Everyone I stopped told me go here, then here, then take a whatever at this set of lights. I would follow directions to a T then have to be rescued again only to find out that I was way off the mark...again.

Anyways, I just got home. Things didn’t go as planned today but I am still smiling through it. Its for the best I return the jacket and maybe thats the lesson I had to learn the hard way today. That and risking your life for an iphone is silly. I just jammed and danced the day away in my car hahaha and I don’t even care anymore, if life wants to be a bitch I am just going to kill it with kindness.

Here is my one and only picture taken from my iPhone, I had forwarded it to a friend pre waterfall and he was kind enough to forward back to me post waterfall so I could at least have ONE memory of my time in Sedona. I am going to have to do this trip all over again another time, but I don’t even mind. It was such a beautiful journey and I learnt a lot about myself, both good and bad.

Also this song is delightful: (has been on repeat and then I heard it tonight on the RADIO! Love when that happens.)

UPDATE: Also it is killing me to think of the texts and calls i have missed thus far, I can’t wait to go back to Calgary and have a phone again.

I am not ignoring you, I am just not receiving you.

What is it worth?

2011-10-26T02:39:00.000-07:00

I’m in Arizona! Feels so nice to be out of the cold. Today my sisters and I went for Mani/Pedi’s- a nice treat from mom. The kids are great, growing up too fast, cute as ever.

Seriously tried to lay down and had an epiphany so here it is;

I went to Nordstrom Rack tonight, name brand clothing at discount prices...so my favourite place on earth pretty much. I bought a Michael Kors leather jacket on a whim. Wasn’t cheap. I come home to ask advice from the family, was this jacket worth the money I paid for it? They loved the jacket but the first question was “how much was it originally?” I looked, usually on the price tag it says what it was worth in the store and how much it was marked down, but my jacket didn’t have a mark down price. This didn’t sit well with me. A) Did I really just pay full price for a Michael Kors leather jacket and B) Who do I think I am in the first place... I am so broke.

My brother in law used an app on his iphone to price compare but nothing in area came up. I spent about an hour trying to find the exact jacket on ebay, the Nordstrom website, Michael Kors online, and googleing images of “Michael Kors Black Leather jacket with Ribbed Collar” Couldn’t find it but couldn’t shake the desire to know; what is it worth? Knowing I had to be up early I decided to give up for the night and try again tomorrow.

I’m lying in bed trying to fall asleep thinking about this silly jacket. I started daydreaming about my dads final flight, which lead me to think about my flight here, which lead me to remember this recent flight to Arizona. I had been reading through old passages which I had marked in my bible years ago. Thats how my brain works, don’t ask. And no I am not some saint that sits on an airplane reading the bible, don’t get the wrong impression. It’s just that after my rejuvenating weekend in Calgary I knew I had to remind myself of the work God has done in my life and find those messages of Grace and Hope in the scripture.

Among the various brilliant, poetic, deep and love infused passages I came across a few that I had taken the time in the past to put a question mark beside.

Just as an example I will give you a few passages to ponder, if your not interested in reading them skip down to “The Point"

1. 1 Peter 2:8- “A stone that causes men to stumble, and a rock that makes them fall” They stumble because they disobey the message- which is also what they were destined for.

Me: WHAT? God destined people to disobey the message. I need to know more about this.

2. Isaiah 54:7- For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back.

Me: WHAT? But everyone at church says God never abandons us, I should look into this one day.

3: Romans 9:13- Just as it is written: “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated”

Me: WHAT? God is capable of hating? But what about the verses that says God loves us all? Hate is a strong word. It really doesn't align with what I know about my loving Lord. I’ve got to look into this.

Sidebar for all you theologians- it also says that God determined that BEFORE Jacob and Esau were born, riddle me that.

The Point is how did these questions ever go unanswered? I didn’t write tonight to throw you off your spiritual journey or try to convolute your mind. Surely if you have read portions of the bible you have questions of your own. How is it that I can buy a stupid overpriced jacket and loose sleep over it when I don’t know whether the God I serve abandons me or not? How do I sleep soundly when I probably placed a question mark beside the scripture years ago and haven’t even taken the initiative to A) ask my family and spiritual mentors their thoughts B) “price compared” or compared it to other verses in the bible or C) even, yes, in this day and age googled it. It really goes to show What it is worth to me, and thats not a good thing.

These are my eggs, they are all in one basket. How can I be so careless, passive and ignorant? How can I desire to know more about what a stupid jacket is worth than who the God I serve is? How did these passages ever fall off my “things-to-do-tomorrow” list? This is fully directed to Christians and Non-Christians alike. Regardless of where you are in your spiritual journey, if you believe in something or nothing at all, you should still be testing everything and holding onto the good. I want to know more about God, if it turns out that God hates people, abandons people, and predestines people to sin it doesn’t mean that I will necessarily love Him less or turn from Him, or change my views on Him, or maybe it will- because I don’t know the answer yet. So I will let you know when I have done my research and if any of you- Christians or Non Christians alike feel like giving me your two cents on what your thoughts are, I will absolutely love to hear it.

Out of the Blue, one day my dad came up to me and said “You know President Bush right?”
and I said “Yeah, I know him”
and he said “Really? If I asked President Bush if you knew him I bet he would say ‘She knows me not’”
and I was like “daaaammmnnnnnnn.....good point.”

When I get there- to Heaven, when I stand before God I want to say “I know you. When I was lost, I searched for you. When I didn’t have the answers, I studied you. When I couldn’t find the answers I trusted in you. When I failed to trust in you, I received your Mercy”

This post is kind of super deep and sort of scary and that wasn't the intent. Just my honest, real, late night thoughts and a reminder to myself to put what actually matters in this life ahead of all this other pollution that is not worth anything. If you read this and you are thinking “Shes overboard, She is crazy” haha. Take a minute to reflect on what I have been though in the last 2 years. Death is not a foreign concept to me. It can happen to anyone at anytime. And also because I am overly dramatic after midnight always.

My only hope is to hear the words “well done, my Good and Faithful servant”

Cause eternity is a long time.

Gill and Clay Get Jaded

2011-10-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

Gill and Clay’s wedding was a stunning event. She should be a wedding planner. Every detail was perfect, from the bridesmaids outfits to the centerpieces- Gill had this down to a T (maybe Clay had something to do with it too!)

I have to admit while taking the drive out to Crankbrook B.C. I was questioning, why here? They are both from Airdrie, they have no family living there, no reason to book so far away…but when I pulled up to St. Eugine Mission my mindset changed. The setting was perfect; the mountains, the old church, the hotel; it was all spectacular! It was such a great idea to do the wedding out of town and have all of their friends and family get away for the weekend!

This was such an amazing wedding and Gill and Clay did it right by having ample time in ideal locations to get numerous wedding shots! I love when photography is such a priority to a bride because the results are nothing short of fantastic! This will be a two part wedding and I will be posting more photos in the upcoming year from their special day. This is all the information I will divulge until then ;)

Be Blessed Gill and Clay on your journey of life together. Thank you for giving me not only the opportunity to capture your special day but to take part in it and party the night away! I missed seeing so many of my old Airdrie friends and it was great to catch up. Shout out to Remi for making me look like a stunner on the dance floor!

All my love Gill and Clay and the rest of the Airdrie Clan!

It’s a Beautiful Day

2011-10-24T00:36:00.000-07:00

God is so good, so faithful and so divine.

Yesterday, as per my previous post, was a horrible day. I went to my apartment and to be blatantly honest along with the endless things to do there, the worst part about my renovations at this point is really just missing my dad, and feeling unloved.

I know my dad would have the renovations done by now if he had been alive and I am counting on some really great people to help me get the work done, and I am so thankful for the help I have received. But, I cant describe this longing when I am there alone. I look around in the chaos and I realize so many deeper things that I miss about him. Particularly yesterday I missed how he would tell me he loves me, how I am beautiful, and how I am capable of doing anything. I had a great father who consistently affirmed my sense of self- I miss not having the reassurance.

I was at a breaking point yesterday and yet God in His glory was able to use it for transformation in my life. I feel it coming and I am so grateful. It was almost insane how many people reached out to me on Saturday night to see how I was doing, just out of the blue. Two of those people being my good friends Sammy and Jordan who I met through bible school.

I have been a complete hermit these past few months. Distancing myself from everyone around me. I am on a serious journey right now and I guess not exactly out of the darkness of that path quite yet. Yes, I have projects to do, photography to do, but I NEEDED to get out of the house today and just spend time with PEOPLE and not projects.

When I arrived at the house this afternoon I was greeted with a delicious home made meal cooked up by Sammy. Before we indulged in our food we bowed our heads to pray. I was in awe, it seems like forever ago since I have surrounded myself with people I feel comfortable to pray around. We ate, cleaned up, went for a coffee and a walk and for the first time I was able to just blabber about my struggles. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t want to bog people down with my crap. How depressing to sit and listen to about how I lost my daughter, and my father but I was at a breaking point and just needed to get some things off my chest.

When we got back to the house we pulled out his music and listened to some stuff he has been working on, jammed with the guitar for a bit. Its so basic, but so much more gratifying than how I have been utilizing my time lately. Soon Jordan, Sammy and I were in deep discussion over the church, Christianity and the deeper things in life that actually matter. So refreshing. Jordan and I headed to get groceries while Sammy started cooking up yet another meal and we ate like royalty before going to a church service, which was just mind blowing how some of the sermon directly seemed to relate to my struggles. One time in particular Jordan and I just looked at each other like “What!?” because it was point on in some of the things I shared with him earlier in the day.

This might sound incredibly shallow but all the affirmation I miss from my father was verbatim spoken into my life today through either Sammy or Jordan or the countless wonderful new people I met. When I walked into their studio one of the girls came up to me and was like “you are so beautiful I just want you to know that” and I was like “thank you” but in the back of my mind Im thinking “you have no idea that just yesterday I was pacing around my apartment missing those very words that my father would tell me.” I was flabbergasted thinking of how good our Lord is, and how you never know when you are are fulfilling His will just by the simplest act of complimenting somebody and I mean genuinely; sure I have heard some complimenting things in the past year but probably not coming from people with sincere intentions, ifyaknowwhatimean. More importantly realizing that not only did my father think highly of me but acknowledging most importantly God thinks 1- I am capable of anything. 2- I am loved and 3- I am beautiful. No death can separate me from that.

Its been a long heavy road in the past year. I still have a long way to go. But in the last few days I feel the transformation happening within me. Seeing Jordan and Sammy living in community and surrounding themselves with accountability, love and God; It makes me desire living by those principals again. I am going to bed tonight feeling so refreshed and centred, knowing that I can have this everyday if I make the choice, with acceptance that following the Lord whole heartedly does not mean an easier life but more fulfilling and gratifying.

Thanks boys for a beautiful day!

P.S. It was incredibly humbling to have Jordan speak into my life today because I have nagged him hard a few times over the past few years, he is so much softer on me than I was on him. O how the tables have turned.

Up late packing for Arizona in the morning, cant wait to see my nieces and nephew!

Rotten Day

2011-10-22T14:12:00.000-07:00

AHH this day! It’s just rotten.

I am so overwhelmed right now that I just don’t know where to start. The most frustrating thing in my life is that every aspect of it seems to have no completion. I’m just at my wits end with EVERYTHING!

I buy a house, which I love and it is coming together, slowly but ....well just f’ing slowly. I spent some time there this morning moving more stuff from my overloaded, jam packed room at my moms house to my dirty, not complete house. My dresser for my clothes is at the new place- meaning I have no dresser at my moms house thus clothes are everywhere and just a disaster zone is going on in my bedroom. The work in both my bedroom and my house seems to have no end. Even once the basics are complete like the floor is laid and the closets are put together- I still have a million projects to complete to make it livable, furniture that needs to be put together, chairs that need to be refurbished. I just don’t see and end in sight.

Honestly, its the same thing I struggle with in photography and I get that clients are reading this so just close your eyes if you must. But THE ONE thing I absolutely despise about photography is that the work is never done. Of all the jobs I ever had the best was probably working for Moxies for a short stint over the Olympics because at the end of the day when your shift was done, that was it- you could go home and not think about work until your next shift. Photography is a constant. Its so frustrating sometimes. There is ALWAYS something on the list of ‘things to do’ it might be cleaning up the files on your computer, backing everything up, editing a million sessions, watermarking, going through old work to re-edit, posting, blogging, updating my website- IT’S ENDLESS!!! From the day I did my first session for somebody I have never gone to bed at night saying “I am completely caught up and there is nothing further that needs to be done” NEVER!

UGH! Thank the Lord I leave for Arizona on Monday because I saw a snowflake on Thursday night and I have been miserable ever since.

AND FFFFFFFFFFF I MISS MY DAD!!!!!!
I would never be in this situation with my apartment if my dad was here - NEVER. It would have been done in three weeks and I would be living there and EVERYTHING WOULD BE DIFFERENT.

But its not different.

It is what it F’ing is.

This happens ALL THE TIME, I write and then I take an hour and within that hour I realize how ridiculous is sounds to complain about having too much to do, and too many places to have stuff. Complaining about being blessed enough to follow my dreams. I am very blessed and I am grateful for what I do have.

I just wish that I could see that sense of accomplishment coming sooner than later.

Thats all.

Rant over, I feel better.

New Site

2011-10-20T23:38:00.000-07:00

So I did spend today editing and writing one of the blog posts for Gill and Clay’s wedding, it’s coming! Hold tight.

I worked a bit tonight on updating my website, actually more like taking the old stuff down, including the music so if your at work you can slack in safety mode :) I changed the colour scheme and a few minor things. I like it 100% better already! I don’t have any new galleries up yet and I’m still using wix because I haven’t fully committed to any website yet and now that I am getting the hang of how to operate it, I’m not sure if I will make the switch or not. Well shall see!

Go to the actual page www.tiffanyjadephotography.com to see more but heres a quick pick.

MIGUEL- THE GIRL WITH THE TATTOO

2011-10-11T14:26:00.000-07:00

Those innocent eyes

That smile on your face makes it easy to trust you

If they only knew, the girl with the tattoo, like I do

Doin' what you doin' just to get you where you goin', yeah I see you, baby

Just don't lose yourself along the way, no

Cus you're doin' what you doin'

Just to get you where you're goin' and I see it baby

Aint too many others gon' have sh*t to say, I do

Cuz I knew... the girl with the tattoo, yeah

Oh yeah I knew, the girl with the tattoo

I used to know her

Hawaii 2011

2011-10-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

This sure would be easier to write had I updated throughout my trip, but honestly I was too busy basking in the moment. There were 16 women the first week of the vacation, most of my aunts and female cousins from my Dads side. I thought everything went well considering the amount of estrogen that needed to be organized. Sometimes we planned activities together and other times we split up to do our own thing.

I went zip lining for the second time in my life on a massive 5 course run. It was thrilling to say the least. I wouldn’t exactly say I am a lover of extreme sports, I have a hard time not thinking about plummeting to my death. I’m authentic with it, I’m not afraid to be afraid. Of course when it was all said and done I was pumped that I had completed the course and conquered my fear. I will admit there was a time when I was flying above the trees and I thought “what if?” My mind started spinning thinking about that awful day when my Dad died. How horrible it would be to fall from the sky knowing the very breath you take is likely your last. But those thoughts could literally consume you, beyond fear, so with a pinch of guilt I completely remove them from my mind, not just so I can grin and bear the day but so that I truly can take in the moment and enjoy it. After all, I know that’s what he would have wanted.

Snorkeling was fun. I loved watching all the vibrant fish and I even swam with turtles. We all went to a Luau and I got up on stage to embarrass myself with some pretty lame hula dancing skills, I wont quit my day job anytime soon...wait a second, I need a day job- ASAP! I went surfing, and of course got up like a champ, dad would be proud, I can almost here him like I was hopping into the back of the boat at the lake “you pop up of the water like nothing, Tipper, Good job!” We checked out a few beaches including a nude one, check that off the bucket list. Believe me, there was nothing to write home about regarding nude beaches, fun experience but that’s about it. I had a few drinks, once or twice a few too many, went skinny dipping in the ocean after midnight with two of my adventurous cousins, checked that off the bucket list too.

Once my extended family left it was just Mom, Jen and I and we headed over to the Marriot, a BEAUTIFUL resort on the beach, complete with an infinity pool, waterslides and we even checked out the spa, I had the best hot stone massage ever, it was really what the doctor ordered. The three of us had a blast eating great food and laying out by the pool working on our tans.

I met a few really awesome people along my travels that made my vacation much more memorable. I finally made my way to a bar in the states, at 25, goes to show how much I party, rarely. It as just a small little surf bar but it was a blast and of course a stop home at the beach to see some shooting stars before the night ended. Delightful. And who knew that someone from Minnesota could possibly love The Weeknd as much as I do? I told you guys he was going to be the next big thing out of Canada!

As far as emotions, feelings, Dad/Kiya stuff. It was really just a mental break from it all. Of course I miss them, I had a few small cries over dad and of course never hide Kiya from anyone worth having a conversation with. One the 6^th, Thursday, I had a conversation with Jen and Mom about how weird it is that Kiya would have been 2 years and 10 months old that day. Where is the time going? Sometimes it feels like it is quickly slipping away and so I have been trying to live every day like my last.

This is a forever long post, sorry I didn’t just update it regularly but I knew it needed to be written done, if not for my blog but for my personal journal. I can’t wait to go back to Hawaii. I miss the sun and jumping dolphin magical moments already!

P.S. I didn’t even know camera could be so low quality in the year 2011. But Im glad they suck so bad because it gives me a reason to go back and capture it all.

So blessed, Happy Thanksgiving Canadians!

Jessica and Dave Get Jaded!

2011-10-10T09:25:00.000-07:00

I was so ecstatic to drive to Edmonton for Jessica and Dave’s wedding after having so much fun at the engagement session. They are both a pleasure to photograph!

The night before the wedding while asleep in the hotel room we heard the fire alarm go off, false alarm but we still had to sit in the lobby area for about an hour before crawling back into bed- there were some pretty cute firemen though so I’m not complaining. Bright and early the next morning, I headed to Jessica’s room to take some pictures of the bridal party getting ready and I knew from then on I was in for a good time!

Jessica’s shoes and pink hair accessories made her so fun to photograph! The groom and his party also wore stripped colourful socks to add some spunk. The weather couldn’t have been more perfect! But of all the wonderful pieces that stuck out, I loved the snippet of advice at the reception- which I will always remember “Don’t go to bed mad, get naked and fight it out!”

Dave and Jess, thank you for allowing me to be a part of your special day! Wishing you a lifetime of happiness together! All the best!

Hawaii

2011-09-29T00:55:00.000-07:00

We are here in Hawaii, after a very subdued flight, thanks Ativan!
Today was pretty much us just getting ready for the trip, booking tickets and activities, then having an amazing dinner at an Italian place that we all went to years ago when we came as a family. It was great! There is 15 of us women here! Its wonderful to spend so my time with my family.

Tomorrow we zipline, bright and early. Night!

Flying

2011-09-26T01:56:00.000-07:00

Seriously terrified to fly over the ocean. Keeps me up at night. Also I have gained like a pound a day in the last two weeks. Whatever. If nothing else, Im eating like I’ll die tomorrow thats for sure, thanks to the sabotage before the Hawaii trip by mom with the Costco size boxes of Chocolate Bars, Smartie Ice Cream and those delicious cupcakes.

I went to the doctor and he prescribed me some Ativan for the flight.

Me: I’m taking Ativan before the flight
Jenelle: Thats dumb
Me: I dont care, Im so scared to fly
Jenelle: Oooo Kay, see you in 20 years.

Haha, this family watches way too much Intervention.

Cheers to bathing suits and Ativan! I wonder if this is what it will be like;

thats a joke, by the way.

18 year old self

2011-09-25T13:50:00.000-07:00

Hold on this will hurt more than anything has before

but it was what it was what it was

I brought this on us more than anyone could ignore

what I’ve done, what I’ve done, what I’ve done

I ‘ve worked for so long just to see you mess around

what you’ve done, what you’ve done, what you’ve done

I want back the years that you took

when I was young, I was young, I was young.

But its done.

Oh take it all away,

I dont feel it anymore.

--William Fitzsimmons

Answered Prayers

2011-09-18T23:18:00.000-07:00

“It was a day like today, you know? But with less clouds in the sky”
He carefully paints a picture of the perfect day to fly.
He points towards the barren trees, then he softly spoke
“sometimes when I look outside I still see the cloud of smoke”
I tell him he’s been in my prayers, then I look away,
He clears the lump in his throat and whispers “I’m Okay."

--T.J.M.

What to do, What to do?

2011-09-16T16:41:00.000-07:00

I have not been great at blogging lately. I have been pretty busy since returning home from the lake with photography. I just did two out of town weddings back to back- one in Edmonton and one in Cranbrook B.C. They were both great but I will spend more on that on their respective blog features.

What’s new with me? Well I finally sent my camera in for some repairs. My warranty expires in 4 days so I got it in right in the nick of time. In all honesty I have struggled with a few things regarding the direction of my life and I have been fearful about blogging it because it sometimes contradicts what I am doing with photography. I read a lot of photographers blogs, and a lot of successful photographers are known for getting personal with their readers. But for the most part I remain positive because I (well for the most part) am a positive person. There have been times in the last few weeks I have just wanted to blog about how much I hate life, even though the next morning I’m in love with life again. After you have lost your father and your daughter in the period of two and a half years its fair to just want to tell people how it really is. But then you bring in the mix the fact that so many clients or potential clients are reading my blog and following it and I have to sensor myself to the point that I wonder how authentic I am being my blog. Not to say that I don't absolutely love photography, but I will admit I love being able to grieve and let the world know whats up because my feelings are unique and bring comfort to others who have experienced loss, so Im not really willing to give that up for any career.

Photography to me is a God thing, no doubt about it. I started a fan page a year ago, shamelessly if I were to be honest. Little me, always afraid of what people might think about everything in life. But last year around this time I was more confident in myself and my potential than ever and I just had the courage to put myself out there. I was listening to an interview with Jamie Delaine a photographer I admire from Vancouver B.C. and she was asked what her fears were about starting a business. The jest of her answer was basically that there was nothing to be afraid of, she started her business at 17, people expected her basically to fail and if she were to fail then it wouldn’t really be a huge deal. After this summer I feel like I can relate to that, but on a much smaller scale. Now more than ever photography is more nerve racking to me because somehow in the past year people view me differently than I ever viewed myself.

I started this thinking nothing would ever come of it. Now being back in Calgary, owning my own home and having the space for a small studio, having the clientele and people randomly finding me online asking me to do their pictures, it’s like all the sudden I have a legit business. News to me.

I feel like I am at a pivotal point where I have to make up my mind on whats next for me. Without a doubt a part of me feels pulled back into finishing a degree and I would love to study grief counselling. I cant shake that I already have experience in Human Resources under my belt and I love that field. I like the structure of a 9-5 job, the consistency and routine. In the last week God has really revealed to me that He wants me to use my skills to glorify Him and something in my heart strings is telling me that is photography. I went to the Open House for the Calgary Emergency Woman’s Shelter and this morning I went to the Ground Breaking for the Mustard Seed, each event stirred in my soul how important my family photos are and how so many of these families would never have the opportunity to have professional photos taken, so volunteering absolutely needs to be a priority in the New Year.

To make a really long story short. I have been shooting, shooting, shooting under this umbrella that it was just one more session, never thinking this is a career. But I have already been approached by various people for booking weddings next summer. So many people have contacted me for family photos, babies, the list goes on and I honestly just don’t even have the time, Im so busy with photography and the editing is endless. I know its not always going to be like that and that its Summer which is the majority of the reason it is so busy but finally I just had to STOP and look in the mirror and say “Are you going to do this or not?”

I would love to just got hard at it for one year and see how I feel about it then. Maybe get a part time job on the side to get the social aspect and routine. People say “your young” but Im not. At 25 I want a family, I want a life, I don’t really feel like I have another year to just feel out photography-- even though there is really no doubt in my mind that I could do this successfully. I love photography! But it’s a matter of just getting organized and committing.

So I decided that while my camera is in getting fixed up that I just want to spend time in prayer and contemplation to decide what to do. My website is so out of date its embarrassing and my computer is on overdrive with thousands of photos that need a permanent home. If you could find the time to say a quick prayer regarding the direction of my life that would be just dandy. I would love if I decided to really do photography on a more committed basis but I am Gods canvas and if He has other things He would rather see me doing then that is fine with me. It is already written....

...So why bother blogging about it?

Heres to a more authentic me and if that means separating my photography blog and fronting like I have never faced a hardship unless it was wondering if I should use a flash or natural light than so be it. Hole in my Suitcase is about the real things in life and the real thing for me right now is wondering if I want to pursue this whole heartedly.

Although, I did just buy a baby bag from Coach as a photography bag for next wedding season, so subconsciously I think I have already made up my mind...we shall see folks!

Just me, Just because

2011-09-05T00:27:00.000-07:00

Could write about a million memories that came flooding back to me while I was in Edmonton this weekend shooting a wedding. Instead I leave you with epic dance party after a successful night. Dad thanks for flying to Edmonton just to eat lunch with me when I was in College-you were an amazing (and really cool) father, and God thanks for new memories and the scars of life that make me beautiful, brave and unique.

Photos by Erin Matson

FAMILY: the nordquist's

2011-09-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

It was so much fun to photograph the Nordquist family when I visited Eston a few weeks ago. They have been such an huge influence on my growth in knowing the Lord. Erin was first a part of my journey when I went to bible school, she was my small group leader and then Erin and Chris lead the first portion of my mission trip to Africa. It is so exciting to watch how this family has grown in such a short amount of time.

Ava is seriously hilarious. She has so many one-liners. It is so evident how much she loves her mom and dad and new little brother. She shines with energy and charisma. She didn’t play shy from the camera once, in fact she can laugh hysterically on command. Chris simply whispers “laugh” and she has a from the pit of belly roaring laugh. We went to a few different locations, man I wish I had the awesome locations in Calgary like in Eston. It’s no fair! We had a great time, playing with tractors, feathers and yes folks even antlers. I love this family, they are too much fun and radiate l-o-v-e.

A few more pics on my facebook fan page here

MATERNITY: sonia + ryan

2011-09-01T16:24:00.000-07:00

What an adventure! Kelsey, one of the brides I shot this summer introduced me to this location. We checked it out together but she wasn’t 100% convinced. Neither was I. In the hot summer heat the smell cow patties lingered and there was quite a bit of mud which doesn’t go well on a white dress. But I still loved the background and decided to give it a go with a maternity session a few months later when everything had cleaned itself up slightly. However on returning there was a second gate which was locked; so there we were planning how to get through the fence. It was easy for Ryan, even the dog didn’t have troubles, I was a little bit more challenged but then we had to get the 37 week pregnant Sonia through the fence- Shoulda thought that one through a little bit first Tiffany!

But in all seriousness Sonia was a trooper. I had her standing, sitting, standing, sitting, outfit changes and she did it all as if she was an olympic athlete. This woman’s courageous story is honestly life changing. Without going into details- she is the definition of strong. She is also incredibly beautiful, this is her 4th baby- she looks like she is carrying her first, so petit! Ryan is such a great guy and an easy personality to photograph! I am so excited for this wonderful couple to welcome their new bundle of joy-- and soon!

more pics on my facebook page here

Beyonce and Jay are Expecting!

2011-08-29T17:47:00.000-07:00

Awe...and he’s so proud! Love him, but I really hope this baby looks like Beyonce.

Truth

2011-08-29T01:07:00.000-07:00

"It is better to lose a lover,

than love a loser.”

This doesn’t relate to my life at this very moment but it is pure brilliance.

Small Bump: Ed Sheeran

2011-08-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

I heard this artist from the U.K this morning. I didn’t realized I had written him a letter detailing my life but apparently by these lyrics I have. Still grateful. Still miss her. On the wave of missing her. Maybe in a week it will be less on the forefront of my mind, maybe tomorrow, maybe this afternoon. Life is still going on a per usual and I am still happy, fulfilled and enjoying life. If you could understand that I can wake up occasionally cry then still bask in the beautiful day, that I can go to the cemetery and not shed a tear, that I only hold such pain because I have been blessed to love so deeply.

You were just a Small Bump unborn,

Four months then brought to life,

You might be left with my hair, but you'll have your Mother's eyes,

I'll hold your body in my hands be as gentle as I can, and now your scan on my unmade plans,

Small bump four months you’ll open your eyes

I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth,

If your not inside me, I'll put my future in you

Cause you are my one, and only.

You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.

oh you are my one, and only.

You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.

And you'll be alright.

Your just a small bump unknown and you’ll grow into your skin.

With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.

(oh) Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice.

And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide a small bump, in Four months you'll open your eyes.

I'll hold you tightly, I'll give you nothing but truth,

If your not inside me, I'll put my future in you

Cause you are my one, and only.

You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.

oh you are my one, and only.

You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.

And you'll be alright.

You can lie with me, with your tiny feet when your half asleep,

I'll leave you be.

Right in front of me for a couple weeks.

So I can keep you safe.

Cause you are my one, and only.

You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.

oh you are my one, and only.

You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.

And you'll be alright.

Your just a small bump unborn just four months then torn from life.

Maybe you were needed up there but were still un-aware of why.

Bring Me To Tears...PURE TALENT

2011-08-23T11:42:00.001-07:00

When I Heard My Father Laugh From Heaven

2011-08-22T00:34:00.000-07:00

My dad knew his girls were smart. He knew we were capable of anything. But my dad loved our blonde moments. He thought we were so funny-- because we just came about these situations naturally.

So heres one, that happened to me today;

My interior lights in my car haven’t been working in two months. So the plan was to take my car into the shop tomorrow morning and get it taken care of because it has been a MASSIVE inconvenience in my life. I basically can not leave the house at night because although my exterior lights work fine I cant see how fast I am going, I cant really see much of anything to be honest.

So today I am starving and I leave to get some grub then remember that my interior lights don’t work. I was going to turn around and use my moms car. But I see two gentleman across the street and I just drive up and park near them, get out and Im like “Can you help me?” And I have to be honest, something wasn’t sitting right. I was like (p.s. my dad hated that...I was like, she was like, they were like, like, like, like) “I am having some problems with my car lights and I am planning on taking it in tomorrow to get fixed but I really cant see how this is possible. My interior lights work when the exterior lights are off but as soon as I turn the exterior lights on the interior lights shut off.” Well one of the gentlemen takes a stroll down the sidewalk pops his head in my car and turns up my interior light dial because apparently I have one.

Good to know I have not been driving at night for over two months because my interior lights ‘weren’t working.’

I dont think they thought my shenanigans were as cute as my father did. Win some lose some. Thanks fellas!

The Wait

2011-08-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to Him: for the Marriage of the Lamb is come, and His wife hath made herself ready. And to her was granted that she should be arrayed in fine linen, clean and white: for the fine linen is the righteousness of saints. -- Revelation 19-:7-9

This post is for all the young ladies that may be reading my blog, and parents raising little girls.

I went into shooting Kelsey’s wedding a tad apprehensive. I knew it would be an emotional day—FOR ME, how selfish! I had to pray and prepare myself to make sure that at all times I was doing my job to the best of my ability for Kelsey and in some ways in speaking candidly had to emotionally separate myself from the moments to not be a blubbering mess behind my camera.

Kelsey and I have attended Moose Lake Gospel camp for years and years together. One year when we were 16 years old Kelsey arrived at camp with a beautiful ring on her finger. Awe struck for sparkling things I asked where she got it from and she informed me that her father gave it to her. It represented staying faithful to God, waiting for your husband and saving her virginity until marriage. I remember thinking “You’ve already had THAT talk with your parents?” But its crazy how fast things change…for some of us.

After years of spending time together at camp and as we got older for dinner dates in downtown Calgary or even a trip out to Sorrento two years ago right before Kelsey and Brandon met we would discuss boys, boys, boys and one thing always remained with Kelsey—you guessed it!

Now Kelsey is the youngest of three, with two older brothers and a mother and father who love her dearly and it’s evident. Her mom was ecstatic to help Kelsey change from her pajamas into her bridal gown—just like that; one day your changing onesies, you blink and now your helping your blue eyed baby gear up to walk down the aisle. And as they called the men into the living room everyone could have melted. She hugged her father, then her brothers and it was a magical moment.

Who would have thought all these years later I would be photographing Kelsey on her big day—seeing everything come full circle. Before Kelsey walked down the aisle she returned the ring to her father. What a beautiful answer to prayer. Who knows if it was the ring that was a reminder to stay true to your word, or the diligent prayers of her parents, maybe even the prayers of Kelsey herself—most likely a combination of all of the above. She instills a patience I literally could not imagine, a will power only God himself can provide… and lets face it—the ability to pick a good man. She is the proof that everything good is worth waiting for and that the Lord can and will provide strength in times of temptation. In this day and age she is an inspiration and living testimony to young women everywhere—standing firm is liberation. I felt like it needed to be shared (of course with her permission) and I really hope that she will continue to minister to young men and women through her triumphant story of patience.

Kelsey you have made me so proud. I am so blessed to call you friend. Thank you for allowing me to share this story and again the opportunity to capture these precious moments. Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Somerville! And may the honeymoon phase last your whole life.

p.s. totally wonder what was being said in this moment

You can refer to the original post of the bid day here.

The Wagners

2011-08-21T18:05:00.000-07:00

If I ever do a photoshoot with this family again, this is a mental note to myself to NEVER edit the photos home along late at night cause seriously...my mind plays tricks on me. These girls are so beautiful and remind me of my Kiya. After all Kiya is probably one of the reasons why I did a shoot for this family.

I met Lavina before leaving for Zimbabwe, I stayed with her family one my mission. But we didn’t really strike up a friendship until I lost Kiya. Lavina was just one of ‘those’ people. She wrote me all the time and encouraged me. She provided me with this odd sense of validation for my feelings and we hardly knew each other at all, she is an uplifting woman of God.

This family is head to toe gorgeous and a pleasure to photograph. I loved being able to do photography in Eston Saskatchewan. It’s a lot different than the locations I am used to. The kids were easy to capture being cute without a lot of posing necessary. They could just do their own thing and it worked.

Seriously...look at these girls... I WANT ONE...WAHHHH!!!

There is a lot more photos added to the photography fan page on facebook.

The Weeknd: Thursday = The Zone

2011-08-18T21:48:00.000-07:00

...so let me keep my eyes closed...

Eston

2011-08-16T19:12:00.000-07:00

My trips to Eston have been few and far between the last fews years. But I have a feeling that with Jenelles engagement I will be seeing more of the the beautiful town I grew to love while I went to Bible College. This trip was awesome-- I wish I had a few extra days there. We did Whitebear, the farm, shooting guns, lots of visits, a few brewskies, and a million laps; all in the time period of two days. Plus I did two family photography shoots which I will be posting later.

I love when I make a conscious decision to live my day as though it would be my last and Eston allows me to do that effortlessly. Its so relaxing and beautiful there and I feel closer to the simple things in life that my dad loved and cherished.

Also this pic is not edited and it was taken with my iphone, it’s lovely!

O Moms

2011-08-13T00:13:00.000-07:00

I was sending somebody a message tonight on facebook, and ya know how sometimes it brings you back to old status updates? It brought me back to a year ago exactly today. Sometimes God makes it so hard for me to complain. I love you Mom.

This Is The Thing

2011-08-11T16:01:00.001-07:00

I don't know if you notice anything different.
It's getting dark and it's getting cold and the nights are getting long
And I don't know if you even notice at all
That I'm long gone, babe I'm long gone.

And the things that keep us apart, keep me alive
And there are things that keep me alive that keep me alone

This is the thing
This is the thing

You would starve to death in front of the fridge...

2011-08-09T00:09:00.001-07:00

That's what my father used to tell me anyways. Maybe it's true. On my short stint back to Calgary my fridge was empty, I lived on Opa and I bought two recipe books, what's up with that?

Glad to be back in B.C.

I had the most epic surf of my life a few nights ago. I know my dad was watching in amazement. Yesterday my mom, Jen and I took the boat ou,t just us three and ya know what? We had a lot of fun. In fact it was maybe my best day out here so far.

Anyways, I really need to learn to cook...story of my life.

He Chose Me

2011-08-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

There were photographs I wanted to take

Things I wanted to show you

Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes

Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave but i'm not

Truth is i'm barely hanging on

But there's a greater story

Written long before me

Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All my life

And I will praise the One who's chosen me

To carry you

Such a short time

Such a long road

All this madness

But I know

That the silence

Has brought me to His voice

And He says

I've shown her photographs of time beginning

Walked her through the parted seas

Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes

Who could love her like this?

I will carry you

While your heart beats here

Long beyond the empty cradle

Through the coming years

I will carry you

All your life

And I will praise the One who's chosen Me

To carry you

--Selah

My sisters friend Jessica sent me this song last night, and honestly -- it’s life changing. I have been in this off headspace lately. Desiring things I know that are not aligning with His divine plan for my life. I can admit that these desires were intentional-- I just wanted to rebel. At 25, it’s not rebelling against parents, peers, or even society. It is rebelling agains God and His will. I know He created me with potential and intelligence that I have chosen not to utilize recently. I feel so angry. I don’t know the direction my life is taking, all I know is that when I had Kiya I knew something concrete-- I was finally a mom, my dreams came true and now, who am I? My rebellious intentions (intentions key word not really actions) were a way for me to say to God ‘if life is this difficult and unbearable with you- I would rather just not include you.’

But, One thing I always firmly believed was that ‘Kiya was Kiya’ and her life on this earth was between Kiya and God. Her short time on this earth had nothing to do with my choices or her fathers, her death was not a consequence for my actions, not a symbolic warning from God-- I don’t even know what it was, because it is between Kiya and God. When I listened to this song, of course tears started flowing as soon as she starts off with there were photographs I wanted to take, and the visual of Kiya now in Heaven with the Lord; I was a weeping on-my-knees-in-anguish mess. But it wasn’t until the end of the song when Selah’s voice is at its powerful peak the words resinated in my hurting heart I will praise the One who’s chosen me to carry you. Kiya was Kiya- she was coming to earth because she had a purpose and a plan. She could have come through my neighbour, my best friend, either one of my beautiful sisters, she was on her way. And I am so blessed that God looked down at little itty bitty me and said “I choose you, I choose Tiffany Jade, she is strong, she is loving. I will give her this gift, this blessing; she is the perfect mommy to carry my Kiya”

...and I will praise the One who’s chosen me to carry you.

And I know some women have lost a child and maybe hearing these words is too soon for them, understandable. I have had my moments of complete peace with God and somehow down the path of life i.e. my father falling out the sky, it reverts back to anger. Losing a child, for me anyways will be a life long battle. I will go through good times and bad times until we meet again. But I am so thankful that somebody for the first time in a long time just had the guts to pass along some encouragement because I am on my way up again, so Thanks Jess.

I want to pay this forward; Grandma (doesn’t made how old they are my dad was still your baby), Bevin, Denise and a few others that I don’t know how comfortable they would be with me sharing their names on my Blog- I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, I know, but in some ways we are the lucky ones.

Just because

2011-08-03T23:40:00.000-07:00

"Just because the past taps you on the shoulder,

doesn’t mean you have to look back”

Also, in a moment of complete, seemingly arrogant-slash-cocky honesty; can somebody please blow up this picture and put it in a frame so I can remember the time I was envied and not pitied?

My life was awesome.

Jhene Aiko

2011-08-02T11:46:00.000-07:00

JHENE AIKO - STRANGER from Jhené Aiko on Vimeo.

My fav:

Love her.

No Words

2011-08-01T23:16:00.000-07:00

Im pretty positive the last time I saw my father was a year ago today.

heartbroken.

Rules

2011-07-26T21:34:00.000-07:00

Rule #blah blah blah in photography: DONT OVER EDIT YOUR PHOTOS

Well guess what...

Dreams Come True

2011-07-25T13:58:00.000-07:00

Remember a few posts ago I posted about Abel Tesfaye and the weekend? I have been at the lake in Sorrento now for a few weeks. There has been quite a few rainy days and I have had my ipod just trying to relax and get some piece of mind about a few things. This mystery "the weekend" had his first show yesterday and I watched some of the clips this morning.

I love the first clip of him first coming on stage. I am such a sucker for dreamers but seriously I find it so inspirational to watch it transpire. If you have a moment just to watch the first few minutes I think you should. Imagine stepping onto a stage for a big reveal, your first show-sold out, the crowd only knows your face by the shadowed or blurred images posted online, but when you open your mouth they know all the words to a song you wrote.

I love that he is trying to stay so cool but you know he is just having that moment knowing everything has changed from this day forward.

The Weeknd from NOW Magazine on Vimeo.

Damn You Auto Correct Dot Com

2011-07-23T12:07:00.000-07:00

Communication...it's imperative.

Amy Winehouse Has Passed Away

2011-07-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

My prayer is that you are satisfied and fulfilled in a Heavenly place.

Frank Ocean

2011-07-19T23:37:00.000-07:00

she singing, “bitch i’m paid, that’s all i gotta say.” i’m like who knew, who knew, who knew, that after all the years i’d make a weezy fan out of you too, you too, you too. when i met you, you were thom yorke, chris martin & u2, u2, u2. when you met me i was three6, pimp c, bun b, 8ball & mjg. but we’re both a long way from home, we got the windows down, the radio’s on..always. i wrote a letter to the sky, saying maybe one day you’ll get to kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. my girl found it in the car & said “baby why you trying to diss me, diss me, diss me.” cuz you know you’re my baby, you know you’re my baby. i’m not just in it for the ride. in it for the ride…

Frank Ocean -- The Lonny Breaux Collection

LIVING OR..

living. it’s a plain difference from dead. seen a dead body this afternoon. the people who felt they had that body in their lives, have to let it go. the memories of the life that used that body are just as finite as the bodies of those who remember him. the woman or man that enjoyed that mans body, will only have the thin almost holographic recollections for as long as they live. then again, who knows how long we live, and if life goes on after these heartbeats stop. who knows where life went when it left that body. who knows if it went anywhere, not you. matters of faith, are matters of faith and faith is not knowing. what i know is that when i see a body without life, i feel sort of childish. a kid in a big complicated existence. a game with no rules and no point of winning other than for the sport of it. like the things i know and have learned mean nothing really. a feeling of confusion about the point. a bone chilling awareness of my mortality. still i wanna live. live and bring other lives into this world to live and die as well. some would say we are one consciousness divided. i would say we’ll find out. but we do not know that. eh. life. where’s my fuckin lighter.

--Frank Ocean

yff asked: Explain your current situation to your five-years-ago self.

wow. alrite. i’ll give it a shot…

hey chris,

your name is frank now..it’s a long story. your girlfriend is about to break up with you because of the long distance. it’s ok. & that job you’re working..well, you’re gonna have to work there for another year and some months.. & then you’re gonna get fired. you’re gonna work a couple more jobs after that too. nothing glamorous. kinkos and at&t if you really want the specifics. but you’re never gonna be homeless or starving. don’t worry you won’t fail and have to move back to new orleans either. you are gonna get your heartbroken though. twice. if it helps, the first one is gonna be worse than the second. contrary to how it feels, it won’t kill you. in fact it’s gonna help you write an album. yea, you finally finished an album. people like it man. you’re actually gonna write and record hundreds of songs. they won’t all be good and most ppl won’t think you’re talented at first, but you’re going to master your gifts. you’re going to become a lot stronger and wiser..even a little taller. be patient. i mean, you kind of have no choice. and be good to people. i don’t wanna spoil too much for you, but.. you’re on a plane right now to the east coast to work with kanye west & jay-z. it’s all working out kid. you made it.

--Frank Ocean

nuff said?

Christa's Surprise Birthday Party

2011-07-18T17:13:00.000-07:00

I can not believe my oldest sister is 30! The big 3-0. Life is flying by.

When we went to Arizona, her friends and her husband put together a really great surprise party. It was so comforting to see how much love went into making decorations and all the little details to ensure a flawless party, Chirsta has a great group of friends there that continue to shower her with love, she is truly blessed. We held the party at my moms new house and it worked out perfectly, as the night went on everyone made their way into swimsuits and hung out in the pool.

I had been playing around with some apps on my iphone so this video isn't anything special just a few clips complied from the evening. But it is milestones like turning 30 that need to be documented in some way, shape or form.

I love you Christa and I am excited to see what the next 30 years bring you and your family! Happy Birthday

The Weeknd

2011-07-17T22:29:00.000-07:00

Abel Tesfaye is currently masking his following, creating some kind of stir for a massive reveal. He hopes... I hope. He has really tried and been fairly successful at limiting the amount of photographs available online and sometimes it makes you wonder, arrogance? OR truly embracing these moments of anonymity before he blows up, does he really know already that he is THAT good, will be that good?

Im going to call this now...I think he will be the next big thing to come out of Canada.

But you cant hide forever...

My Favorite:

The Waterfall

2011-07-13T23:20:00.000-07:00

Today we went to visit the waterfall near Chase. I decided to play around with my old Nikon a bit, my Canon is far too precious to be close to the water. It's fun for me to challenge myself and experiment with different types of photography and even though waterfalls are not my favourite thing to photograph it was a fun day and I think the photos turned out beautifully.

With the help of some great new friends we got the boat into the water today, they even brought birthday cake for Jenelle and we had an awesome dinner. Just wanted to let you all know that since my post a few days ago I am doing much better out here at the lake. Hope you are enjoying your summer too!

Well Hello Cutie

2011-07-11T21:04:00.000-07:00

How exciting is it that I got to shoot my nephew Marshall? My cousin Tia had this beautiful boy and stopped by for me to snap a few pikchaz. Sure he peed and peed on everything-- I am only allowed to say that because we are related, but ultimately by looking at these picture you would never know he was anything other than a perfect angel.

Be Blessed Tia, Matt and Marshall, Love you!

DIY FAIL

2011-07-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

How sad is it that I have a DIY fail before I have a DIY success. Humm… maybe this ideal everything in my apartment either recycled, reused or crafted isn’t going to be so easy. Ill admit I went a little kijiji crazy there for a while. I found this seemingly wonderful couch online right after seeing this post on apartmenttherapy.com and decided to attempt a painted couch. I have Quinn and Jenelle drive me all the way down town to pick up this piece of junk and I paid $50.00, talk about sweet junk removal. I saw the broken springs and the back falling apart but I was blinded by the curve from arm to arm and of course ‘the vision’. Once we hauled this POC (piece of crap) to the hanger and I got a closer look at it- it was even worse for wear. If I wanted to paint it I would need to get the springs fixed and if I wanted to get the springs fixed it would need new fabric and if I wanted to get new fabric it would need to be reupholstered and if it got reupholstered its not DIY, painted and it would run me $1500.00.

In a split-second decision last week before my uncle Jamie and mom headed to the dump I decided I couldn’t afford to save it, even though I loved it. I wish I could have kept it and posted it back on kijiji for somebody with money to maybe take it off my hands but alas I don’t have the space amongst the torn apart condo. So here is my first DIY fail currently in the bottomless pit of Junk and the Calgary dump…such a shame.

So long.

THE LAKE

2011-07-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

I can honestly say that today was one of the hardest days of my life. I didn't prepare enough for this. This morning my mom and I woke up early and headed to the lake. I cried and cried on the way up. The last time I saw my dad was here in Sorrento. I remember the drive up to the cabin last summer- it was just him and I. My dad and I loved to talk/debate/learn about God together and I vividly remember some of the conversation we had on that particular trip. We stopped at the waterfall for the first time on that trip, which was out of the ordinary for my dad who always wanted to make it to the cabin in record time. He loved being sentimental with us girls and I remember him leading me up the big path, looking down over the rushing waters and telling me about Heaven and telling me how much he missed Kiya. All of the twists and turns in the road today reminded me of what a great father I had.

My mom and I went to Demills to get some groceries and as we stopped to make a left hand turn through two lanes of traffic very real memories flooded over me, like a blessing and curse. He hated this left hand turn back onto the main highway and it was almost as if when I looked to my left I could see him there glancing back and fourth ready to gun it. It felt so much safer with him-- no offence mom.

When I entered the house I walked right into his bedroom to rummage through his junk drawers to search for the golf score card from the game we had played last summer but all I found where scraps of papers, notes and phone numbers, to-do lists but just his writing sent me crashing to the bed in a flood of tears. In the back of your mind you feel like you are looking for a treasure-- a "just incase I die" note, that you know doesn't exist from your overly optimistic father. You go through every pocket in every pair of shorts just to know what kind of gum he might of been chewing at some time or another last summer. This is hell.

As I walked through the house it wasn't only memories of last summer, as I was washing my hands and looked in the mirror I felt like a child watching him shave in the bathroom, the face he made with his chin tilted back and the sound of an electric razor rang in my ear. I flashed back to being very young, shoulder ride young, the feeling of his sweaty forehead on my hands as though I was still hanging on to the crown of his head for dear life as we walked through the Stampede or Moose Lake or a million other places. I miss my Dad.

I havent even looked out into the water. I haven't touched my foot to the dock. I went downstairs and one look at the wakeboard--I cant even describe it. I am devastated. He was my coach even though he himself had never stepped on a wakeboard until after I had already gotten the swing of it, the driver, the encourager, my biggest fan in all aspects of life. My fathers love is irreplaceable. I am heartbroken.

The worst is never over, sometimes the tide just goes out.

Love Is Found: Sade

2011-07-07T20:40:00.001-07:00

Casey Anthony Trial: Well thought out by God?

2011-07-06T01:46:00.000-07:00

Her Hands are stained red.

"Not guilty" cuts like a knife.

Bella Vita is dead,

So long beautiful life.

There will be no reasonable doubt

When your kneeling at the feet of the Lord.

When all of your transgressions are laid out

You will answer to a higher court.

There will be no jury,

no need to testify.

In the face of His glory,

there will be no alibi.

No defence or false pretense

No escape to run away.

All deceit is obsolete

When you face judgment day.

You cannot change the hands of time,

You cannot take back your youth,

You cannot consult your lawyer,

It's just you, God and the truth.

And as she waits at those pearly gates

praying diligently that you can come in

His court does not fail, justice will prevail

and you will be accountable first for your sin.

This verdict will not be fleeting

It will be Heaven or Eternal flame

So when He opens up that book

You better hope He calls your name

And maybe God was watching

Carefully constructing a plan

telling us North Americans

to stop putting our faith in man

If this is a lesson

Who am I to be throwing stones?

I never committed murder

but I've hid my fair share of bones

It gives me hope and it gives me fear

Today history has proven to be true

Only God can judge me

and only God Can judge you.

--Tiffany Matson

Im so pissed off, I admit it. I invested way too much time and emotion into this case and today it was truly disappointing to hear a "Not Guilty" verdict. But ultimately it did encourage me to think deeper about what matters and what doesn't. Sure people say that she will never be able to live with herself, yadda, yadda. People want to believe justice is on earth- but its not. I've done horrible things in this life and haven't paid a consequence, haven't you? And whats horrible to me might not be as horrible to somebody else, its all relative. Im pretty sure Casey Anthony will go on to do interviews and profit from them and live it up and even if she doesn't it is still meaningless. In fact today I had an epiphany that even if she spent the rest of her life in prison or got the death penalty it would still all be meaningless. Yes, I believe we should be punished on earth for our actions and by no means am I disregarding the hard work of prosecutors, the police force and other dedicated people in public service but does it matter eternally? Does God take into account our punishment on earth? I would say no, but I am sure that is up for debate. And maybe because of what i have gone through the past 3 years I continually over analyze situations but seriously everyone is posting all over facebook "God will judge her, dont worry she will get hers" etc, etc, and then I start thinking 'This is true but God would also still judge her if she was found to be guilty, and he will also judge you and then he will also judge me' So here I am in the midst of a revelation at 2:30 am, I just want to be better, do better, live life to the fullest, and share this poem, even if it is a little controversial, not wanting to tick anyone off or scare the beans out of you.

DEAR LENNY

2011-07-03T11:25:00.000-07:00

I think your awesome just the way you are. But at what age will you quit trying so hard?

Seriously?

BRANDON AND KELSEY GET JADED

2011-06-30T20:49:00.000-07:00

I nervously looked down at iphone weather app on June 24th as the rain started to fall and sure enough it said to be expecting showers for the 25th. 'Just great' I thought to myself as I started organizing my gear. I said a quick prayer and woke up in the morning to the most beautiful day of the Summer so far. The weather couldn't have cooperated any better. Everything seemed to be just right-- the perfect day.

I have known and had the pleasure of being friends with Kelsey for years and years, we are actually distantly related. One of my favourite things about her special day was seeing her surrounded, uplifted and supported by her bridesmaids who I also know on a personal level. She was in her element on her wedding day and I am not surprised as to why. When I first heard about Brandon it was at the beginning of their relationship, she gushed about how they met at floor hockey...how cute is that? As time passed it was evident in Kelsey's voice that she would be walking down the aisle to him one day.

In fact, if you are a single girl have you ever had the thought cross you mind 'I wonder if I have already met my husband and I just don't know it yet?' Well sure enough that is exactly what happened with Kelsey and Brandon. They met years ago in a receiving line at a wedding and although Brandon remembers the whole introduction Kelsey has no recollection but as fate would have it their stars aligned and God crossed their paths again-- this time for good.

From the beautiful hand made bouquets, to the most hilarious best man speech I have ever heard, this day was flawless. I am so excited to see what is in store for Brandon and Kelsey. Be blessed and thank you for allowing me to capture your special day.

I have another blog coming up regarding this wonderful couple and their inspiring story, so keep checking up. Here are a few photos of the wonderful day:

If you are not already a fan of my photography page on facebook please click here to join as I will be posting more photos in the next few days exclusively to that page.

EXCUSE ME AS I LAY IN A PILE OF HAIR CLIPPINGS AND CRY

2011-06-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

This is lame, I know. But all you facebookers and bloggers out there ever have moments in life that you think 'Im blogging about this moment' or 'New Facebook Status!' Retarded right? But since I absolutely know I am not alone in this, I will be the one to take it on the chin and admit this on my blog.

Today was one of those days. I woke up to beautiful weather and headed downtown for a haircut. This post was going to be titled "The Day God Threw me a Bone" WOW. I AM SO LAME. I got a call from this guy the other day telling me that he was looking for a model for a class for hairdressers. Does this blog even need to continue? Because Im pretty sure you might have an idea of what transpires. Anywho, this guy tells me its a free haircut, free makeover, massage, aromatherapy and everything else that sounds way too freaking good to be true. So I wake up and head down town and Im all "This is going to be so awesome! Thank you Lord!"

I was absolutely under the impression this was a teacher showing students and when I get there it couldn't have been further from the truth. The guy doing my hair, who was the same person I talked to on the phone nervously announces that he was being graded and people were there from around Canada to watch him, I ask him how long he has been doing hair and he assures me he's been doing it "for a while" OOOkkay. Moving on, we wait for the actual instructor to come and introduce herself and without going into detail-- awkward on so many levels. One thing is for sure, I definitely let them both know I was growing out my hair and wanted to keep the length as much as possible.

I starts off wonderful with an aromatherapy treatment and a great massage. Ahh quiet. Thank you Lord! But as soon as that was over and the scissors came out it was like "GET ME OUTTA HERE!!" I am reassuring him by this point like a coach "Don't worry, you got this--You'll do great" HAHA--In my head Im thinking, there is plenty of women out there that don't have hair half way down their back that would gladly go in for a free trim and care less about the outcome- I am not one of them. If you have had the absolute delight of dating me in the last ten years you would know that I am cool with a broken nail, a few extra pounds, pale winter skin, unpedicured toes, heck sometimes I don't shave my legs for weeks BUT don't ever say my hair is short, brown or even refer to it unless your telling me I look like Rapunzel.

So the relaxing message is out the window and now I am sitting in the chair tense back watching every. single. little. snip. snip. snip. Even commenting "humm...thats starting to look awfully short in the front." As I lost confidence he gained his, good strategy "Don't worry- I got this" OOOkay. 6 inches later I was still keeping my cool, at the end of the day we are all learning at some point or another and I didn't want him to get poorly graded on his hack job. But the instructor knew I was trying to grow out my hair and profusely apologized. Still managing to not burst into tears I stand up from the chair ready to grab my things and leave and he says in the most flamboyant, annoying, tone I have ever heard "O.M.G. You look like your 19 years old now!"

Thank you.

Thank you for ruining my day. Thank you that I got out of bed with blonde hair half way down my back, drove into the city, spent three and a half HOURS getting my hair completely annihilated. All the while I am telling myself that "everybody has to learn" and THEN you proceed to tell me you think I now look 19...like when your 25 and single thats not f'ing cool man. Laugh/Cry/Laugh/Cry/Laugh/Cry.

Excuse me as I lay in a pile of my own hair clippings and cry for the next four years until this mop grows out again. And yes I am tagging this post under Life and Death.

P.S: If you happen to come across this blog mr soon to be hairdresser, everybody learns, I know I did and Im really really sorry if this offended you. You had a great personality and you will be successful! You will get better with time, and everybody sucks when somebody is watching them like a hawk-- even me!

Eminem- Space Bound

2011-06-27T14:43:00.000-07:00

I do whatever it takes

When I'm with you I get the shakes

My body aches when I ain't

With you I have zero strength

There's no limit on how far I would go

No boundaries, no lengths

Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks

Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em it's never the same?

You want them when they don't want you

Soon as they do feelings change

It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate

I wasn't looking but I stumbled onto you must've been fate

But so much is at stake what the f*** does it take

Let's cut to the chase

Before a door shuts in your face

Promise me if I cave in and break and leave myself open

That I won't be making a mistake

Cause...

I'm a space bound rocket ship

and your heart's the moon

And I'm aiming right at you

Right at you

250 thousand miles on a clear night in June

And I'm aiming right at you

Right at you

I am not a babysitter, Do not watch this video unless you are okay with bad language and violent graphics.

Do You Know Anyone Like This?

2011-06-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

I am a little obsessed with the Casey Anthony Trial right now. Tonight as I was watching some highlights one of the reports described Casey as a psychopath and quoted the Hare Psychopathy Checklist. And because today is lazy Sunday I looked it up...Im pretty sure I know some psychopaths, do you?

Strawberry Swing

2011-06-19T19:37:00.000-07:00

Father's Day is here. My Father is not. I skipped out on church to soak up the Arizona heat and remained slightly bitter about the whole celebration. I can't describe how blessed I feel to have had such an amazing dad, in these deep moments of grieving I am reminded that it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.

I miss you. Happy Father's Day!

Here is a video montage I put together with one of my favourite songs by Frank Ocean. The ending got cut off and I should have fixed it up but...sometimes things get cut short. Life goes on.

We are having a blast in Arizona, so blessed to have such an amazing family. Also Happy Birthday to Christa, a video of her surprise party will be posted later.

UPDATE: youtube is being a royal a-hole. Will post video shortly.

UPDATE: Try Vimeo..

Untitled from tiffany matson on Vimeo.

My Fathers Birthday and the Deeper Things

2011-06-18T10:08:00.000-07:00

On my dads 52^nd birthday my mom invited some close family and friends for dinner at Ceaser’s in Calgary. At the time I was having a few issues were I was employed. I sat down and talked to one of my Dads very close friends about it, describing in detail the problems I was having. As I made my rounds to see everyone I was asked by one of my dads close family members how work was going and I proceeded to tell him the exact same concerns. When the night came to a close I stood by the exit and said goodbye, as my dads close friend said goodbye he added “If your dad was here he would tell you to quit your job.” I was surprised when my dads close family member who was next to say goodbye and hadn’t heard the response of my dads friend said “Tiffany, if your dad were here- he’d tell you to stick it out and work.”

There was a lesson deeper than face value and I pondered what it could be for a few days. How can two people that know my father so well give me different advice on what my father would tell me to do? It’s one thing if they had said “I think…” but instead they both said “If your father were here…” Only one of them can be right, right?

I have struggled with the “what would Jesus do” concept my entire life. I have been in community with different churches, Christian camps and educational institutions, I have known people that have dedicated their entire lives to missions and professors who have dissected The Word until they are blue in the face. Yet one thing always remains, even within the Christian community- everyone perceives God differently. One person is always saying “Jesus would do this…” while another is saying “He would do that…” Only one of them can be right, right?

I don’t think people that disagree have bad intentions and maybe that was the part of the lesson I needed to learn because before I was so put off by people that stated in God’s name something was fact, especially when I didn’t see it that way. I believe God reveals Himself to different people in different ways. One can only strive to follow in His footsteps through The Word and how God has chosen to reveal Himself to us as individuals. So I don’t think one person can only be right.

It’s the same with my father and his close friend/family member. It’s not like he was a completely different person around one and then somebody else around the other. He was just Chuck, and they both knew him well. And I don’t for a moment think they said “Your dad would tell you to this…” to persuade me with more vigor to quit my job or keep it. They sincerely both thought their advice was what my father would tell me. And the truth of the matter is he is not here to audibly tell me what to do with my life (i.e. freewill) and so the only thing I can do is speak to his friends/family or others that knew him well (i.e. Spiritual leaders, counselors and fellow Christians), in order to gain a better understanding of how to proceed. But ultimately I had a father on earth who loves me, and loved spending time with me, loved getting to know me, loved sharing his wisdom with me and loved leading by example (i.e. God) and at the end of the day without my father physically here (i.e. Jesus), I can only take what I can from what he revealed to me and step in faith that when I get there I have made my father proud.

Well I left my job. My last day was Wednesday. It doesn't mean the friend was right the family member was wrong. I waited long enough so that I wasn't acting on either of their advice-- since they counteracted each other anyways. I decided to stick it out a while and do what I thought was best and in this case I am still not 100% sure it's what my father would have done. For now I am sitting in the beautiful sun in Arizona, basking in the beautiful life. Vitamin D is just what the Doctor ordered.

It's always been clear to me...

2011-06-14T21:28:00.000-07:00

...you deserve so many wonderful things.

For your grace, patience, and redeeming love. For giving me a standard to uphold. For setting an example and exceeding all expectations. For a drop in my ocean that with my strength will leave the ripple effect God so intended you would make on my life. You are deserving of happiness, love and everything beautiful this world has to offer. But tomorrow one simple wish-- to give an even bigger smile on the happy man I know... for no other reason but you I will cheer for Vancouver and hope they win the Stanley Cup. Good Luck Vancouver!

DARN FASHION

2011-06-12T20:35:00.000-07:00

Ugh, why do belly shirts have to come back this Summer? Went shopping this week and although I wasn't ready to take the plunge, I want to follow the crowd on this one, after all isn't illegal to wear belly shirts once your 26? OMG...getting old.

Delete, Remove, Block, Sit-ups.

Fresh week starts tomorrow. Arizona Thursday!

FATHER'S DAY: Post Secret

2011-06-12T00:39:00.000-07:00

Fathers day is coming... I want to be more afraid of it. Without fail any time in grief I have anticipated a sad day; Kiya's Birthday, anniversary of passing, mother's day etc- I have found myself relieved when the day comes because the build up was looming. It's the dates you approach with a cavalier attitude that bring you to your knees. Im starting that thing- that thing I did with Kiya, that thing were I try my hardest to not think about it, that thing were I create so much chaos in my life so that the fact that my father fell out of the sky doesn't hurt so bad. But I know, better than many, that thing doesn't last forever and the more mess I make now- the more I have to clean later. Like my Father said "When you find yourself in a hole, quit digging"

Post Secret had these posts for fathers day posted this evening and here are a few that struck a cord with me:

I am so afraid of this day, I pray it never comes

O' SISTER: CITY AND COLOUR

2011-06-11T11:18:00.000-07:00

What's wrong with your mind?

You used to be so strong and stable

My sister

What made you fall from grace?

I'm sorry that I was not there to catch you

What have the demons done?

With the luminous light once shined from your eyes

What makes you feel so alone

Was it the whispering ghosts

That you feared the most

But the blackness in your heart

Cannot last forever

I know its tearing you apart

But it's a storm you can weather

Oh sister

Those lines etched in your hands

They're hardened and rough like road map of sorrow

And my sister

They're is a sadness on your face

You're like a motherless child that's longing for comfort
(I heard this as childless mother)

Whats running through your veins

That's causing all this pain?

Does it have something to do with the pills they gave you?

What is eating at your soul?

Is it the whispering ghosts that left you out in the cold?

But the blackness in your heart

Will not last forever

I know its tearing you apart

But it's a storm you can weather

Oh sister

BABY GAVYN

2011-06-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

When I drove into Airdrie I thought I was snapping a few photos of the Campbell's but seriously does this little family kind of resemble the Beckham's or what? What a good looking trio. I had so much fun capturing some of Gavyn's newborn moments. He is one cute baby with a full head of beautiful hair. One of my favourite parts of being a photographer is having the opportunity to witness growing families and their excitement as then begin a journey with a new member on board. It's evident with the Campbell's that they are overjoyed with their new bundle of love-- and really, look at this boy...how couldn't they be?

The Thought

2011-06-07T00:06:00.000-07:00

O Father. I know this mess would not be mine if you were home. While I went to work you would be over at my new apartment ripping carpet and working hard to get this project complete. I know you, I can almost see your facial expression as I walked in to see how much you accomplished. You would walk me through...everyday explaining what you have done. Proud as a peacock.

My uncle Jamie is working on getting some of the grunt work done. Like everything else in life, it always gets worse before it gets better. Good thing I have vision.

O dad, I see you here so clearly its almost real and I know you would want to help, you would help, and you would enjoy doing this for me-- because you enjoyed doing anything that made me happy. So I guess it's okay because it's the thought that counts.

It is so not the thought that counts. I'm going to enjoy this process, Im going to enjoy this process, Im going to enjoy this process.

FORTUNE COOKIE DAY

2011-06-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

I headed toward Blacks Photo on my lunch break to get my passport pictures taken. Before I stepped onto the escalator I see an Asian women helping a blind man get on. He’s riding down alone, me a few steps behind. The woman yells from the top “Be Safe and Good Luck!” If he needs helping getting on, what is his plan for getting off? I don’t want to offend anyone, but I offer to help anyways. He asked if he can hold onto my shoulder and soon after we safely arrive at the bottom.

“Can you take me to Roots please?” He asks.

“Sure we’ll just have to stop off here at customer service and ask where it is.”

Obviously he misses my hand gesture pointing in the direction of where customer service is located and in that moment I realized this could be a slightly more difficult feat to conquer during my lunch break. We introduced ourselves then started the journey. My heart broke into a million pieces as I heard his story. He was a horse racer and at thirty got kicked in the face at a rodeo. He lost 100% vision in both eyes. Now at only thirty-five he lives in the dark.

When we arrived at Roots it wasn’t as easy as saying “okay, you’re here, see ya later!” Not that I wanted to. I was enjoying his company and picking his brain about what life is like as a blind person. Those are some of my favorite moments in life when I have had the freedom to talk to a complete stranger about the obstacles they face and their coping mechanisms.

He is looking for a fanny pack and naturally would like help finding one that looks good. The employees and I assist him and help him navigate to where the zippers and hooks are located. He quietly asks me if I could help transfer all of his belongings into his new bag. I can’t even fathom trusting somebody this much; as he pulls out wads of twenty’s, places them in my hands and hopes I put the money into the new rightful place.

I offer to take him to the nearest exit so he can call a cab and sure enough he had miss placed his cell phone. He tried to stay calm as he used mine to call the cab company to see if he left in the last ride but as he got the-run-around I could sense his frustration. “I feel so naked without my phone” I cant even imagine- I feel naked when I misplace my phone. He decides its best if he calls a new cab anyways and heads home, I waited with him until his ride showed up to soak in the blessings of my lunch hour and count my blessings with a new friend.

As I walked back to the office I stepped over a fortune cookie note. I looked down noticed it and continued walking, but my silly head got the best of me about 15 steps away and I had to turn around to retrieve it.

I came home, laid on my bed and listened to the rain, decompressing from my day of work. I love the rain, I love listening to the rain. It started to get louder and louder and all the sudden I heard a drip, drip, drip. I look up at my window and within seconds rain water is pouring down my walls at a rapid pace. I call for my sister and like a trooper she grabs a bucket, goes outside in the pouring rain to remove the water from the dug out near my windowsill as I frantically move some of my most prized possessions from the window including letters and pictures of my father. Finally when everything seemed somewhat under control I began to reorganize the chaos I just created by tossing items by the window to the other side of the room, I look down to find yet another fortune cookie, this one reads:

In my entire life I don’t think I have come across a fortune cookie message without first enjoying the cookie. Now in one strange day I find two. I can’t help but think to myself “Double Rainbow. It’s too much, tell me what it means, O my God- it’s so intense.” Seriously, what does it mean?

MY APARTMENT: FIRST LOOK

2011-05-29T22:07:00.000-07:00

The only thing keeping my head above water right now is my new house that I got the keys to on Friday. Its officially mine! There is so much work to be done, but I am excited to update you all on the progress. I thought about creating a blog directly related to all the house stuff and the DIY projects I am planning, but I have to admit that the first project I am working on is slow going.

For now here is a few pics of what it looks like now. It will also be used as my comparison, within the next month I hope they have transformed into BEFORE pictures.

Bedroom 2

My Bedroom

Humm, going to have to downsize the wardrobe?

Kitchen minus the fridge which I need to buy.

Hall and kitchen

My Realtor and Best friend

Keys Please!

Bathroom

Im already excited for the after photos! Cant wait. Woot Woot!

Dear Myself

2011-05-29T12:12:00.001-07:00

ROLLING IN THE DEEP

2011-05-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

Do you ever turn on the radio and hear a song and think to yourself "This song was written for blank person" Every time I hear Rolling in the Deep I think of blank person. Im listening along, lalalala, Adele wrote this just for you.

Then one Saturday morning I get into my car and I am listening to the lyrics and all the sudden the song was written for me, sung by blank person. I just wanna scream "Adele, come back, its not like that, it was a mistake." But She's all "No Tiffany, this is my song, you loose."

I Dont Have a Choice, I Still Choose You

2011-05-19T00:58:00.001-07:00

Mothers Day

2011-05-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

Mom, I can't believe you just had a huge milestone Birthday and Mothers day so close together and I haven't sat down to write out the many reasons why I love you. But it's coming... In all honesty its a selfish reason why I don't just buck up and get it out; your strength brings me to my knees. To truly tell you my feelings I would need the whole shabang; tub of smarty ice cream, box of Kleenex and more late nights in the week without work in the morning. Hand written letter coming you way. XOXO Happy Mothers Day!

Me on the other hand...Mother's Day sucks!

Love you Kiya. Miss you always, nothing has changed.

I heart this song right now...

If I die young bury me in satin

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me in the river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother

She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors

Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no

ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well

I’ve had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin

Lay me down on a bed of roses

Sink me in the river at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

SARAH FREAKING MCLACHLAN

2011-05-05T22:08:00.000-07:00

Today after work I found out that my sister wasn't feeling great and my mom had plans to go to a charity dinner with her. I decided halfway home I didn't want my mom to have to go alone so I made a detour and met her downtown. Don't get me wrong; I wanted to go but I had to work a few minutes later than planned and I knew the charity dinner would be fancy shmancy, I was looking run down from a long days work. Hair in ponytail, wearing the worst plaid work pants ever I strut into the the Westin Hotel and the first person I see is Sarah Mclachlan. She is so stunning in person! I am so lame I walked up and said hello and asked if she would take a picture with me; she was SO SWEET! It was funny because when the person she was with tried to take the picture it was on automatic timer so she told me to keep smiling and we waited what seemed like forever for the picture to take. Here is the result; she is beautiful and I am underdressed in desperate need of a tan, but who cares she is the genius behind mounds of breathtaking lyrics:

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

-- Sarah Mclachlan

The event was for the Calgary Womens Shelter and it ended up being a great evening. I am so glad I decided to go, the food was excellent and it was a great opportunity to hear the tragic yet triumphant stories of women who have endured physical and mental abuse. I would LOVE to go to another event like this, what a great way to spend an evening; a chance to dress up (next time), feast, and give back to the community all at the same time.

For more information on the who's/ what's/ how's of the Calgary Womens Shelter you can visit their website at www.calgarywomensshelter.com

TOO EARLY TO BE AWAKE

2011-05-03T03:48:00.000-07:00

It's 4:30 in the morning and I am wide awake. Last night I decided it would be a good idea to go to bed at 9:00pm- thought I would sleep the whole night through. I tossed and turned in bed starting at three, the more awake I got the more I missed my dad. Being awake in the middle of the night is a lonely feeling.

I feel like dad would be in his glory right now if he were here. Osama was killed by Americans and now Canada is a Conservative Majority Government-- pretty sure he would think the last 48 hours were the cat's meow.

Then I realized he is in his glory right now...
and the last 48 hours of his time are consistently more interesting, worthy of celebration, and better than mine.

But right now I miss him, and I just want to know his thoughts about these current events and debate him on it, just for the sake of debating him about politics again.

EMBARRASSING STORY: humiliating

2011-04-28T20:51:00.000-07:00

SCENE 1:

So today I almost passed out in the elevator when I realized the massive mistake I had made.

It starts here, in the story of me putting an offer down on the cutest little apartment I ever did see. I saw this cheap tiny place and called the realtor listed on the webpage. This took place on Good Friday, we didn't get in touch until the following day. When we did get in touch the realtor was eating and I felt bad for maybe interrupting an Easter dinner, he said he would call me back in an hour....no phone call. The next day, Sunday, my mother, uncle and I decided to take a drive by the place without the realtor-- I loved it in person so I called him again and finally we made arrangements to view it on Monday.

Monday afternoon I get a message on my voicemail, it was the realtor letting me know that over the weekend somebody had put an offer on the apartment and it was accepted that morning. I was devastated. I don't know the in's and out's of real-estate so I called him to see if there is anything I can do. No answer on his cell so I call the office and get transfered to another agent. They tell me its possible to put a back offer in on the house incase the other buyers financing falls through. I try calling the realtor again and again no answer, so I text him and let him know I still wanted to see the home at the time we agreed upon because I was interested in putting a back offer in.

He was a nice guy, handsome--you know the kind of face that looks great on a real estate advertisement. I fell in the love with the place and signed an offer, but he was less than enthusiastic about the whole thing, which I felt was a little odd. I understand that because it was already conditionally sold he probably felt like he was wasting his time but nonetheless it would have been a good opportunity to shine considering that I made it evident I was seriously looking into real-estate; if this offer were to fall through there was potential I would purchase a different property.

He told me he would scan the documents and send them to me by 9:00 pm. Ten o'clock rolled around and he told me the scanner was out of commission...so was my fax machine. An agreement was then made to get the doc's to me by 8:30 the next morning along with confirmation that the back offer was sent through. I received no response so contacted him after ten to see what was up. Yadda, yadda, yadda...around noon he let me know that the offer was put through. By this point the texts where short and to the point on both ends. When I asked if the bank had been notified of my offer he responded with "Yup thats who I sent it to" I obviously don't know a thing about this industry but previous sales experience would lead me to believe a complimentary phone call would be nice saying "Hey, just incase this buyer falls through there is another offer on the table." Maybe I am way off, regardless it became evident that the real-estate agent who already had an offer put in was on the same team as the guy I called on the webpage so if he were to be aggressive about me obtaining the property it would be shot to the agent who already had a sale in progress.

Fast forward to noon. He tells me the scanner is still not working, I still don't have the documents but he lets me know he is doing a showing near my office and he swings by to drop them off at around 2:30. I grab them say "thanks" and he drives away. Thats it, me and this real estate agent fully hate each other.

SCENE 2:

I am lying in bed trying to fall asleep and a text comes in from my beautiful cousin Erin:

my response:

Fast forward to almost passing out in the elevator when I realize that:

Yup. Last night at 12:30 in the morning, I sent a text to the realtor saying "Let's do it"

I almost fell over when I realized this mistake. At this point I can't say I am ready to let go of this property because I love it so much. But I could go without ever speaking to or hearing from this guy again.

So embarrassing...ugh.