It’s a Beautiful Day

God is so good, so faithful and so divine.

Yesterday, as per my previous post, was a horrible day.  I went to my apartment and to be blatantly honest along with the endless things to do there, the worst part about my renovations at this point is really just missing my dad, and feeling unloved.

I know my dad would have the renovations done by now if he had been alive and I am counting on some really great people to help me get the work done, and I am so thankful for the help I have received.  But, I cant describe this longing when I am there alone.  I look around in the chaos and I realize so many deeper things that I miss about him.  Particularly yesterday I missed how he would tell me he loves me, how I am beautiful, and how I am capable of doing anything.  I had a great father who consistently affirmed my sense of self- I miss not having the reassurance.

I was at a breaking point yesterday and yet God in His glory was able to use it for transformation in my life.  I feel it coming and I am so grateful.  It was almost insane how many people reached out to me on Saturday night to see how I was doing, just out of the blue.  Two of those people being my good friends Sammy and Jordan who I met through bible school.  

I have been a complete hermit these past few months.  Distancing myself from everyone around me.  I am on a serious journey right now and I guess not exactly out of the darkness of that path quite yet.  Yes, I have projects to do, photography to do, but I NEEDED to get out of the house today and just spend time with PEOPLE and not projects. 

When I arrived at the house this afternoon I was greeted with a delicious home made meal cooked up by Sammy.  Before we indulged in our food we bowed our heads to pray.  I was in awe, it seems like forever ago since I have surrounded myself with people I feel comfortable to pray around.  We ate, cleaned up, went for a coffee and a walk and for the first time I was able to just blabber about my struggles.  Sometimes I feel like I just don’t want to bog people down with my crap.  How depressing to sit and listen to about how I lost my daughter, and my father but I was at a breaking point and just needed to get some things off my chest.  

When we got back to the house we pulled out his music and listened to some stuff he has been working on, jammed with the guitar for a bit.  Its so basic, but so much more gratifying than how I have been utilizing my time lately.  Soon Jordan, Sammy and I were in deep discussion over the church, Christianity and the deeper things in life that actually matter.  So refreshing.  Jordan and I headed to get groceries while Sammy started cooking up yet another meal and we ate like royalty before going to a church service, which was just mind blowing how some of the sermon directly seemed to relate to my struggles.  One time in particular Jordan and I just looked at each other like “What!?” because it was point on in some of the things I shared with him earlier in the day.  

This might sound incredibly shallow but all the affirmation I miss from my father was verbatim spoken into my life today through either Sammy or Jordan or the countless wonderful new people I met.  When I walked into their studio one of the girls came up to me and was like “you are so beautiful I just want you to know that” and I was like “thank you” but in the back of my mind Im thinking “you have no idea that just yesterday I was pacing around my apartment missing those very words that my father would tell me.”  I was flabbergasted thinking of how good our Lord is, and how you never know when you are are fulfilling His will just by the simplest act of complimenting somebody and I mean genuinely; sure I have heard some complimenting things in the past year but probably not coming from people with sincere intentions, ifyaknowwhatimean.  More importantly realizing that not only did my father think highly of me but acknowledging most importantly God thinks 1- I am capable of anything. 2- I am loved and 3- I am beautiful.  No death can separate me from that.

Its been a long heavy road in the past year.  I still have a long way to go.  But in the last few days I feel the transformation happening within me.  Seeing Jordan and Sammy living in community and surrounding themselves with accountability, love and God; It makes me desire living by those principals again.  I am going to bed tonight feeling so refreshed and centred, knowing that I can have this everyday if I make the choice, with acceptance that following the Lord whole heartedly does not mean an easier life but more fulfilling and gratifying.

Thanks boys for a beautiful day!

P.S. It was incredibly humbling to have Jordan speak into my life today because I have nagged him hard a few times over the past few years, he is so much softer on me than I was on him.  O how the tables have turned.

Up late packing for Arizona in the morning, cant wait to see my nieces and nephew!